There is nothing in the world worse than being helpless.
I don’t know what to do.
Everyday feels like we are trapped in a funnel of terrible circumstances that go from bad to worse. I am grasping at anything that could help us but I don’t know how to pull us out of this mess or how fix any of it.
It feels like all we are doing is circling the drain.
I can literally feel my heart breaking. It’s a constant pain that goes from a dull shiver to a piercing shrill.
I feel antsy and unsettled. My mind is racing but I’m frozen in fear and my body feels foreign like I’m living inside of a mere shell of who I used to be.
Desperation. Grasping. Fear. Paralyzing worry and constant hurt.
All I want to do is scream and panic and run away but it’s like I can’t move.
I feel like every day we are sinking deeper and deeper into quick sand and finding the energy or strength to jump into action and attempt anything feels impossible.
My Christmas tree has been sitting on the living room floor all week.
Time ticks. The days are morphing into one. Day and night don’t exist anymore.
I just sit- and stare- and think and listen for the next moment when Logan calls out for me in pain or need.
I feel like a robot in survival mode.
I watch the moments tick by and wonder as each one passes if we this is what it feels like when you realize you are losing time.
I don’t like where this is headed-
Everyday that passes and things continue to get worse our hope fades.
We are trying to rally but we are so fucking stuck and there just doesn’t seem to be a realistic way out of this mess.
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve never been in a place like this before.
I don’t know how to care for my child- and I’ve never been here, where I don’t even know how to comfort her or ease her suffering or my families suffering.
Jared and I try to support each other but the only words we have seem convoluted and confused and lack direction.
“This is just so fucked….” seems to be the only mantra we can muster up these days.
I broke down and took Logan for acupuncture the other day. I was desperately googling holistic approaches to pain and nausea when the name of one doctor kept popping up. I called him, explained the situation and he got Loggie in right away.
The treatment of pins and needles and a weird taser gun miraculously helped her and she had about 24 hours of relief.
We were so happy and optimistic but, sadly, her respite was short lived and now she seems worse than before ever seeing him. We can’t get back in for another treatment until next week and I can’t help but wonder if any of this is even going to benefit her or if it’s just another way of grasping.
Everything feels like it is falling apart in our life.
Jared’s job is another nightmare.
They are completely unsupportive and instead of giving compassion and showing reason towards what we are going through. They, without notice, changed his job description and title, and started lowering the hammer on him, raising his targets, increasing his work load and putting more pressure on him than ever before.
Apparently, it has nothing to do with pushing him out of the role he’s lead for over a decade. It’s just that his company has a big business plan and competition is moving in and the profit margin targets don’t have room to accommodate an employee with a dying child in their strategic business plan for 2018.
They told Jared (off the record) his family situation was just becoming too much of a distraction and detriment to the business and (on the record) they were putting him on a performance evaluation plan (aka increasing his work load) all in an effort to help get him back on track and support him to being the superstar employee he once was.
Funny thing is- he isn’t even clear what his new targets are for 2017…. or what he’s being measured against and yes it is December. 😩
Jared has done this job and started this division while being a top performer for this company for almost 12 years.
But it’s not enough.
No one is hitting expectation but the focus is on him and our family situation.
Jared has worked at LG the entire time Logan has been sick and has always preformed. He has won top sales awards (even internationally) and built a portfolio of multi-million dollar deals and relationships.
Why would they do this to him then, you ask?
Well, because like many organizations they don’t give a shit about the person. They care about the all mighty
LG changed their business strategy this year from a channel format to a direct model and quite frankly the plan is a bomb. Jared fought it and told them it wouldn’t work. He told them they weren’t prepared or set up in Canada for this model quite yet. He told them they would tarnish the momentum of the business and open doors for competition to take over.
They didn’t care. They needed more bottom line dollars and now- they need a scape goat for the failure he called out.
Jared’s job title as the national commercial sales manager was changed and he was encouraged to undercut the clients he’s had for over a decade to pick their pockets and steal business that could be taken direct. True to his character he’s pushed back and wanted to honour his relationships. Apparently this means he’s not meeting business requirements or doing his ‘new’ job.
Sounds legit right?
As he’s losing business and other members of his team are selling direct, he’s losing the trust of his partners which is exactly what he said was going to happen.
The company is making more profit than ever but getting less deals overall. Not rocket science really…. just stupidity.
What it comes down to is not biting the hand that feeds you. Integrity. Working together to build trust and growing the business. Short sightedness never works.
Jared has ALWAYS been able to rally at work. It’s who he is. His clients love him, he’s a strategic thinker and he’s well respected in the industry. Whenever shit has gone sideways he’s always had a plan to get his numbers and his partners back on track.
The thing is now he being barricaded at every opportunity and simply can’t figure out how to restructure a decade of relationships to dig them out of this mess and yes, no argument- of course, he’s stretched.
His fucking kid is fighting for her life!!!!
He needs support and help and he needs his team to step up and step in and do what’s right but thats not going to happen.
It would mean admitting what they’ve done is wrong and that is not who they are.
If I know one thing for sure, it’s that admitting fault is the hardest thing for most people to do. Assholes come by arrogance easily.
There are just some people in this world who would rather be right than do right.
As a good friend of mine always says to me “There are only two kinds of people in this world… those who are part of the solutions and those who are part of the problems”
Ego is a fuck of a complicated thing.
To say this has been a blow to Jared at the worst time of his life would be an understatement-
He’s really struggling with failure and desperate not to let anyone down
but for me, all I want is for him to walk away from this situation better and stronger.
I just want him to be here with us, where we need him to be and where he needs to be. Present with his family in crisis.
I want him to view this time in his life as a reminder of how important it is to filter your energy and resources into places you know will support you when we need them most. And to let go of the rest. I want him to rise above.
Jared knew he needed to leave this job a while back.
He had actually accepted another position but then Loggie’s cancer came back last year and we decided he’d be best to stay put doing what he knew.
Kind of the devil you know or the devil you don’t know mentality.
We made a big mistake and in hindsight he should have left (and maybe given them the big middle finger on the way out)
We do have a lawyer working on his case and Jared assures me it will all work out.
I’m not even sure what that means anymore or if he believes it either, but I’m holding on to his words for dear life at this point.
What we don’t need is yet another fight and a 500 dollar an hour lawyer bill, but it is what it is. You can’t control the shit-sometimes you just have to wade through it.
We don’t really need stupid cancer either but no point in fighting things we can’t change.
This is where we are.
We NEED to focus on staying strong. We NEED to focus on rising up. We NEED to get through this horrendous time. It’s all we can do….
So for now, here is the plan….
1. Hospice. They are applying for a grant to see if we can get some home care nursing support. We have decided we want to keep Logan home as long as we can manage. If we get the funding then we can hire our own nurse or care-aid to come to our home a specific number of hours per week to relieve us and help care for Logan. Less trips to the hospital and we can create a support team that is in our own space.
2. We are going to do a stay at Canuck place in the coming days to work with their own specialized medical team on a symptom and pain management plan. Apparently they are much better equipped at this point in terms of thinking outside of the box on how to manage vs. reacting to Logan’s pain and nausea.
3. Another MRI has been booked for the end of January (but may be bumped up) and a referral has been sent in for us to revisit the surgeon at VGH to discuss a possible biopsy and see what he thinks.
4. We have some more tests scheduled (will they ever end?) that require some OR time so we are waiting to hear when we can get in to complete those. In the meantime we need to wait for Logan’s counts to recover from the previous chemo. Her system is very sluggish.
5. If she doesn’t improve or get better with this break from chemo (which is likely what will happen) than we do have the option to apply for a relatively new chemotherapy regimen. The thing is- the results aren’t stellar for Loggies tumour (we are pretty down the wire on options) and our oncologist fears without a break from chemo Logan may not even tolerate this new plan. Basically, it’s a delicate balance between causing more harm than good or as she put it being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
6. We are going to try to run away. I know it sounds completely ridiculous and stupid at this point but it’s our jam. We want one more (ok we want many more but for now- one more) trip away. It’s pretty far fetched at this point but we are throwing around the idea of sunshine and family escape time before the last ditch attempt at the iffy chemo.
7. This one seems simple…. but is hard as fuck. We are going to try to not go crazy or become angry and petty and take shit out on each other. We are going to try to block the negativity and hurt and do our best to rise up during this fuck of a mess.
And that’s it.
There you have it team…..
This is where we are.
It’s super shitty but it is what it is and we doing the best we can.
I have to say thank you to SO many of you who are awesome.
Your love and nice messages and kindness and support really do offset the bullshit and keep us going.
Basically, even though most of you are complete strangers we love you all and you feel like you’ve become our family.
Funny how life works….there is always something to be grateful for. I am grateful for this blog bringing all of you to us.
So with that said, many of you have asked how you can help…. Literally, my inbox is jammed with offers and so many loving people pleading with me to let them do something….anything…
So, after lots of tears and putting our pride aside we decided it is time to accept help. There are going to be a few options and some amazingly supportive avenues if you do want to help. (No pressure)
A team of incredibly awesome Wild Mom’s are rallying to spearhead the help train us I will share the ways you can get involved on the Facebook page if you so wish to help.
Thank you all so much.
Much love to all❤️❤️