As 2016 comes to a close, I am lost in thought.

What began as a year with so much excitement and promise slowly morphed into a total shit show and as the final days wrap up I am deep in reflection of what it all means.

January 1, 2016 I was in Bali.

It was a last minute decision to fly to Indonesia but I felt deeply connected to the universe and all the infinite possibilities of where life was guiding me and going to Bali felt like the right thing to do.

I did yoga, I rode bikes through the rice fields, I met Michael Franti, I sang at the top of my lungs and cried from the depth of my soul.
I wrote my resolutions and explored some pretty deep thoughts. “What would life look like if I decided to focus on how I wanted to feel instead of what I wanted to have/achieve?” God only knows I needed to let go of ‘the picture’ I’d painted for a life that could never be.

I did all of this while staring out at the vastness of the ocean and rice fields, a million miles away from my own reality.

I felt nothing but possibility.

I had ventured outside of my comfort zone by traveling alone and I felt pretty strong and confident doing so. I was sure that 2016 was going to bring forth a big shift for my family and for myself.

It was time.

Time to leave cancer behind and move forward. It felt good and it was the first time since 2005 I felt this way.

We were approaching 11 years since diagnosis (11 is our number 😉).

Logan’s tumour had been stable for 5 years and things just seemed to FINALLY be going well.

We went to the Ellen show and committed to living our life in the front row.

The message was clear. It was time for the next step.

Logan completed her first year of college and got a job working in a daycare. A huge milestone!

Brody got an acting gig and did his first commercial, he excelled in school and as soon as he turned 12, he went from being a young boy to a young man.

The JayRod negotiated a new job while never losing focus on the tasks he had in front of him and I went to India (totally outside of my comfort zone) to volunteer and give back with a group of cancer survivors. My fresh chapter  had begun.

It had been a long time since I felt sure about anything but I felt pretty sure about 2016.

I was turning 40 and even though my life had been somewhat of a cluster fuck for the past 10 years I could feel a burning desire to get back into the world.

Change was coming. It was on the horizon and I could almost taste it.

I say almost because we all know what happened next.

The cluster fuck continued, cancer resurfaced and all that I had learned, or thought I had learned, was once again put to the test.

Only this time the prognosis for our sweet Loggie was worse. (I hate how cancer works.)

Hope felt less prominent and the challenge in front of us felt greater than any other to date.

So how does one find the strength to go on?

I am asked this question all the time.

The answer is simple…you don’t.

Find it that is.

The strength is already there. It is just a place you haven’t tapped into yet because you haven’t ever needed it.

I think sometimes we don’t know our own strength because we don’t have to.

People always say “I don’t think I could deal with what you do”

I always reply, “Yes, you could.”

You always find a way to get through what is front you, unfortunately, you don’t always find a way to get over it.

So, now it’s on to 2017 and as I sit here typing this blog my heart is full.

I am in Sayulita Mexico (which seems impossible- or maybe I need to change that to I’m-possible?)

with my three favorite people and a really incredible family we met a few years ago while traveling (another added bonus of seeing the world)

We were invited to stay in a house that I have always wanted to stay in (I actually followed the blog the family wrote while building this home) and I am ready (so fucking ready) to let go of 2016.

Although I should note it wasn’t all bad.

I learned.

I learned, that life might not always easy but it’s up to you to make it worth it.

I learned, that struggle is universal and to be open to possibility.

I learned to live a life in ‘search of’ instead of ‘according to’.

I learned, it actually is a small world and we are all connected.

I learned I have friends all over this small world who love me and are endlessly rooting for my family.

I learned to let go and not react. Truth is different for each of us. I learned to face my own.

I learned the difference between empathy and compassion.

I learned how to be part of a tribe. (Apparently I am the grandma 😉)

I relearned and refreshed my momcologist skills and I learned how to move the goal post and raise the bar.

And most of all I learned…

Life can still be amazing and beautiful and full of potential even if it is a total cluster fuck.

And as it ends and I say good riddance to another year.

I thank you 2016 for every single lesson-now get the fuck outta here!

Much ❤️
J