FEB 28, 2008

 Loggie will get to go home for the weekend!!!!! We hope arrive at our place by dinner time- who is cooking for us?

 Only one person has a feeding tube after all. Ha ha.

We are a bit stressed about going home and about the “feeds” but we are so looking forward to sleeping in our own beds!!! even if it is for a few days.

Sorry in advance but I am about to get a bit negative. Today was a really tough day! I think today was most negative I have ever been about Logan’s cancer and I have to admit it was ugly. I have said the F**K word well over 300 times. I am going to say it again. FUUUUCCCKKK!!!

I really hate this.

I look at my child lying over in the hospital bed beside me and there is nothing I can do for her. I can’t make any of this better. I feel helpless and weak.

I look at my  son who has spent his entire life in this hospital and I feel so sad. He is frustrated and tired of begging for attention from us. He is acting out and misbehaving (we call him bratty Brody) and it is all because we don’t have any energy to give to him.  Both Jared and I are so stressed emotionally and physically. But me,  I feel angry. I feel angry and I don’t know how to let it go.

 I look at my parents who are trying to be solid for us but they too are short fused, tired and sad. They feel helplessness that they can’t help Logan but also because they can’t help us. It all just pisses me off.

I know that I need to stay focused and positive and brave and grounded. I don’t need to be told. I know.

 But today just for a moment, just for this moment. I am going to take time to feel mad. To say sometimes things such ass and I am bitter and I wish we didn’t have to deal with this for so long, so many times.

I have searched my mind and tried to ask myself why I am feeling so down. Maybe it’s because exactly one year ago today Logan was in surgery with her 1st relapse and I think about how hopeful you are before a relapse and how different cancer is with each one.

Maybe it isn’t because of anything. Maybe it just because I  am bitchy and tired and PMSing. 

Either way one thing I know for sure is that this doesn’t get any easier and with each passing day a little more of our innocence gets lost and we get a little less ignorant to what cancer is capable of every single day.

We know more today a few days ago…we are now a member of the “feeding tube” club. I hate this club.

Loggie is no longer a drug virgin. She knows what it is like to be “stoned”.  Not from smoking a joint as most normal teenagers might do, but from a synthetic form of THC drug to help her eat and sleep.

I have spent yet another night in this place on a ‘new’ cot and I have learned there isn’t one good parent bed in this place. And as I cleaned Logan’s incision today I realized that not only have her scars gotten bigger- but so have all of ours.

Two day ago I wrote about a little miracle Eden that came into this place with a big problem and left a few days later with a new life.

Tonight a new family moved into her room- They have a 9 month old baby with neuroblastoma. Another family who’s world is now crashing down unlike Baby Eden there is no “easy fix.”

The stories are endless and I am starting to see it as  a revolving door of heartache. As grateful as I am for this hospital and how hard everyone is working to help Logan,  a secret part of me loathes this place for taking away so much of what we had before we came here.

Please send me some strength. Our path is still long and I am not as sure footed as I once was.