March 6th

Today we started the process of radiation. What a process it is.

Logan had blood work and Jared and I  had one final meeting to discuss with her oncologist to discuss the details of treatment. Our minds are boggled. The second opinion she requested from Toronto Sick Kids came back and we talked about what they said. Basically, they agreed with the higher dose of radiation, so that solidifies the final plan. Not going to lie, I am kind of disappointed.

Logan had a full  exam by two neurologists. Dr. Hukin asked to speak with us alone. Speaking alone with Juliette never means good news. She wanted to be clear about the sense of urgency to start radiation. She told us we can’t delay it any longer, it needs to start immediately. She shared with us that Logan’s neurological exam showed that her symptoms are getting worse. Both her left and right hands have tremors and she is having trouble with using them properly. They are much weaker than they used to be, think limp hand shake.

 She is also having trouble swallowing (I’m sure the feeding tube in the back of her throat isn’t helping) but it is a big concern. The tumor sits in an area that controls swallowing and the concern is that it maybe pressing on that area. She will meet with occupational therapy tomorrow to have an assessment done to make sure she isn’t a choking threat.

Tomorrow will also be our first day at the cancer agency, which means we leave the comfort of the children’s hospital to enter the adult cancer world. Radiation is only given at the cancer agency which means all ages of patients go there. It should make for interesting people watching. My hope is that the doctors and nurses will be as compassionate as they are here- we are pretty freaked out about changing who cares for Log.

 Our appointment starts at 8am and the technician to go over the whole process with us one more time. From there, Logan will have a CT scan and body mold will be made to fit her so they can bolt her down  to the table as she receives her treatments.

She will  have some “mapping” done which basically means they will measure the size of the tumors and the correspond that with the size of radiation field.

She will also get her first tattoo.

Logan was hoping for a dragonfly or something cool but apparently they will only be small dots (lucky her, her first tattoo is a blackhead) placed on her back and head to help align her in the machine before each dose.

Tomorrow will be a long day. We are hesitant and nervous to get started. But also grateful. It is time.
With that said, I want to take this moment to be grateful and say thank you to all of you who have sent, gifts, money, food, and messages of support to Logan. You will never know how much it all  means- but honestly we couldn’t do this with out you all. As my friend and fellow cancer mom Tracy Dolling would say “Life is a shit sandwich but you are all the warm glass of milk we wash it down with”

So thank you- each of you- for not letting us choke on our own crap!

I leave you tonight with a funny story.  Humor has been  a gift during this stressful time. We honestly feel like we have two choices at this point, Laugh or cry. We are choosing laugh.  I worry that if we start to cry, we may never stop.

So here it goes, (and keeping in line with tonight’s theme of crap). A couple of weeks ago Logan was admitted to the hospital with a fever. She was neutropenic.  For those of you who don’t know what that means, it is basically when you have no white blood cells to fight infection and your whole world becomes a war on germs. Any fever could indicate infection, and is a big deal. It usually means an unexpected overnight stay and three days of wicked antibiotics.

Anyway, we were put into a room while we waited for an examination and told a new oncologist by the name of Dr. Joel was attending that night. Logan was puzzled because she didn’t know who Dr. Joel was and Logan is pretty much on a first name basis with all the oncologists at Children’s.

It was the middle of the night and both Logan I were in our pajamas. We weren’t in the mood for some new inexperienced on call doctor, we wanted to be admitted and moved upstairs quickly. I had called ahead, I knew the drill. 103 on the thermometer meant we were staying overnight. The charge nurse knew we were coming. There was an empty bed on 2B (similar to an upgrade at a hotel it is the best floor) and we didn’t want someone to check in ahead of us.  We wanted to get the show on the road.

The nurse winked at us, told us that we’d be happy with the new doctor, told Loggie he was pretty cute and super tall and that all the nurses were swooning over him.

He was.

Logan and I both started giggling like school girls and when doctor Joel left the room, Logan and I fluffed our pajamas (I my hair) and we both put on lipstick. I am sure he thought we were totally ridiculous but he didn’t say a word to us and pretended not to notice that we ‘freshened up’ when he left the room. He went about checking over Logan very thoroughly. He ordered blood work and cultures and starting writing the paperwork to have her admitted. 

Yes- cute and efficient and painless. Dr. Joel got a thumbs up.

Then he returned.

“I forgot one thing” he said to Logan who was bashfully fluttering her eye lashes at him, “I need to check your bum”

Logan gasped and immediately turned 50 shades of red.  “WHAT??? WHY???

Dr. Joel explained what a h hemorrhoid was to Logan and all the other disgusting things can happen in that area when a patient is neutropenic. She looked horrified and I swear she could have died right there.

The cute, tall oncologist pulled on a pair of latex gloves, grabbed a flashlight and proceeded to stick his finger up her bum.

Logan closed her eyes and tensed up. She couldn’t bare to watch.

“Just relax Logan, don’t tense up and please don’t mind me” said Dr. Joel

Logan opened her eyes and turned to him.” No offense, but as a new doctor, I think you could use some advice. You shouldn’t say tell your patients to not mind you, because…Umm it is kinda hard to do that when your finger is shoved right up my butt”

He laughed a bit and then left the room. Logan rolled over, lipstick  was smeared all over her pillow and all over her face. That was it. Dr. Joel would never be the cute, tall, new oncologist instead moving forward Logan named him Butt plug.

Not once has a doctor has ever checked Logan’s neutropenic bum before, but every time Logan tells a different oncologist what happened in a ‘Can you believe him’ kinda way they are impressed with Dr. Joel’s thoroughness. I think Logan is secretly trying to get him fired. 

We now laugh every time Dr. Joel walks in the room. It has become a private joke. I pass Logan a tube of lipstick she mumbles his new name under her breath.

When we see him in the clinic going in to examine a child Logan always goes red and says how sorry she feels for the kid behind the curtain. She suggested putting up warning signs about Dr. BP.

You may not find this funny but we do and every time we see him, we bust a gut and that is good medicine.

We have a twisted sense of  humor, and so many private jokes. Logan and I call it tumor humor and we think Dr. Butt Plug is funny.

Laugh or cry.

We choose to  Laugh.