March 8th,2008 7:39pm
Yesterday was the official start day. Radiation- Day 1. We spent the entire day at the BC Cancer Agency and found it very different than Children’s hospital. For starters, Logan was the only child we saw all day.
The energy is much more clinical and serious at the agency. Other than a 1000 piece puzzle in the waiting room, there is almost no fun factor. It is all business.
I made an observation. Most adults that we came across today have a very heavy feeling about them. I could literally feel the stress, anxiety and tension around me. No one was speaking to each other and we all stared at the big elephant that sat in the corner. Most people avoided eye contact with us, unable to imagine that a child was in their shoes.
It was a very awkward start to this part of the journey and it made me think of how much more of an impact cancer has on adults than it does on kids. Children are innocent and ignorant to the grown up world and I honestly think this gives them a bit of a hand up in healing. Children play, and laugh, and the focus on having cancer and the magnitude of what is its, is actually very low. Treatment is something they don’t enjoy but have to do. When it is over, they don’t dwell on it, they move on, back to the Lego table, back to having fun.
For Adults, when cancer strikes, everything changes. The magnitude of the diagnosis sets in and cancer can’t be an after thought. It becomes them.
Everyone seemed very sad, angry and frustrated. There was very little communication between anyone although as the nurses came they would tell each patient the number of treatments they’d already had. Some people had obviously spent weeks together, yet there was only an awkward silence.
The doctors and nurses seem nice enough. Having a child on their schedule seems to bring them happiness. Happy probably isn’t the right word as no one is happy to be treating a child with cancer, but relieved almost that their patient isn’t so upset and uptight.
Children do always have the ability to “light up” a room. It is a gift we could all learn to try to be better at. Looking around yesterday, I couldn’t help ponder my own self. I thought about my life and how I too was once that child that had that same sparkle. Where did that part of me go? How do I get it back? Life’s circumstances have weighed me down no doubt, but is there a way for it to have such an impact on me? How can I let things go more easily? Big questions.
Anyways, back to radiation. It is actually a very interesting treatment and we all learned a lot yesterday.
Logan had her immobilization cast build, and despite what it is going to be used for, it was a pretty cool experience.
She had numerous CT scans to check and double check her tumors. They compared the scans to her body and mapped out the radiation field and tattooed where she needed to be lined up in the machine.
She didn’t like being tattooed and cried while it was happening but when it was done, in true Loggie style, she sat up and threw out a joke.
“Wow” she said…” I’m not even 11 yet and already I have taken marijuana (her THC medicine) and got a tattoo.”
We all laughed and she again “lightened” the room.
Tumor Humour!
It was a long day and we are glad to finally have the ball rolling. She will begin the actual radiation on Thursday of next week as they need a few more days to “plan” using her CT and MRI scans.
She will begin with the “boost” of radiation to back of her brain (posterior fossa) and then they will begin the cranial spinal (full brain and spine) portion in a week or two. The first 10 sessions of radiation will only be about 45 mins from start to finish but once the spinal portion is added in we will be there for about 2 hours a day.
We made a plan to ensure all of her treatment will be completed in time for our trip to Maui. This will mean that some days Logan will have 2 radiation treatments six hours apart. We were happy to hear that this could be an option since she has 31 treatments to complete and with closure days, Easter, and our delayed start we wouldn’t have been finished in time for the trip.
Logan doesn’t say much about her treatment schedule but she made it very clear she would not be missing this trip. We tried to explain to her that we’d still go to Maui even if it meant that we couldn’t go with Uncle Reid and Auntie Diane but she would not have anything to do with that plan. She is excited about going with them. She told the doctors she was “setting her intention” that they would work it all out for her. They left the room, and BINGO a few minutes later they had this plan and promised Logan that no matter what they’d have her done in time to go to Maui.
I told her I was proud of her. Her response also blew me away.
“Mom, I’m doing all this treatment so I can live. I am going on this trip”
Speaking of living, we know we need this treatment to start so she can live. She woke up again this morning nauseated with headache. Her symptoms are not getting better and we are worried. I hate the idea of radiation but not as much as I hate the thought of what those tumors are doing to her.
Dr. Goddard, her radiation oncologist, prepared us for what is to come. She explained Logan’s symptoms may get worse before they get better. There will be some swelling of the brain and this may cause us to think the tumors are getting worse. We didn’t like the sounds of that, so Loggie and I went for a meeting with our psychologist for some tips on how to cope.
She recorded us something we can use to imagine what treatment is doing. We are visualizing her tumors being blasted (from radiation) and exploding into a million little pieces like something from a Star Wars movie. The particles left over will be absorbed (into the atmosphere of Logan’s body) by the chemo so they can VANISH for good!
In the words of Yoda himself “Do or Do not, there is no try.”
So I guess it is time- lets DO this!
