Well unfortunately St. Patrick’s day wasn’t lucky for us. No pot of gold, no leprechauns. Just one long night with one really sick kid.

After only a few hours of sleep the morning didn’t get bring anything better so instead of a quick trip in for radiation we ended up at the clinic for 6 hours of  IV fluids and IV anti nausea medication.

We saw our oncologist again today. We literally are becoming regulars and I am kind of sick of seeing her so much. We don’t even book appointments anymore and as soon as the booking clerk hears my voice on the phone, she knows who I am. “Come on over” she always says like I am a neighbor in need of a cup of sugar or something.

The good news is, we got a plan today.
#1-  increase blood pressure medication. Her blood pressure dipped as low as 63/31 today- so basically she’s barely alive and that is a problem.
#2  more angry steroid meds. Apparently the swelling is likely not coming down around the tumor. I hate that drug and so does Loggie. Not only does it make her mean, it makes her have moon face, which is terrible but it is part of the plan so we are going with it.

#3 Bi weekly check up’s  with occupational therapist to assess her risk for chocking. Today we learned how to swallow pills with chocolate pudding. Awesome. I have a feeling Logan will be hating chocolate pudding very soon.

She’s still not allowed to drink liquids (anyone mentions the slurpees and they are in big trouble). It is a serious pain in the ass to crush all her medications, dissolve them and put them down the nose hose- to be honest I get confused half way through sometimes at what I’ve given. Also, some medications are also not as effective when you do it this way  but we have a problem since we fear she could choke on the pills. Pudding seems to be the answer, as long was we watch her like a hawk while she is eating it.  Apparently pudding can cause pneumonia (well not exactly but the way she is swallowing liquid and food it is possible it could go into her lung). I didn’t even know it was possible to confuse your stomach with your lung. The things you learn in the cancer world.

#4- See the ophthalmologist (eye doctor) and audiologist (hearing) by the end of the week. Her vision seems worse- (I think they are secretly roping a second opinion in from the eye doctor check for tumor pressure). Did you know that a big majority of brain tumors can be seen during a routine eye exam? Me either- another cancer learning- get your eyes checked.  The audiologist  is just for a baseline measurement before we give any more radiation to her head. Apparently a fairly common side effect of radiation is hearing loss-or so we also learned today.

So that is ‘The Plan’. We are going to do all of the above and “hold off” on the MRI for now.

God only knows they don’t want to confuse the doctors anymore. In all fairness, they must know what they are doing. They fear is the MRI won’t give them any more info and might sway them to stop treatment. We are best to give the treatment a bit more time to do its job. Sounds fair.

They explained Logan’s brain and her tumor  as a “dog’s breakfast” again today. I am not sure I like the description. I’ve seen a dogs breakfast and it’s gross.

But despite the gross explanation of her brain- we have a plan to help fix it and a plan is good. I am a type A personality – I can’t stand being in limbo so I feel better knowing we have a few steps in place that we are going to try.

I also want to be clear, that despite my sad blogs of late, I am staying positive, WE…I should say…are all staying positive.

Sometimes positive just doesn’t look the way you all think it should. I have received numerous concerned messages from you all , and I want you to know- we are OK. Really we are.

 These are just some major bumps in the road. We are fearful, and grieving and less enthusiastic this time around. We also all have a little bit of a ‘poor me’ syndrome that comes and goes. I am pretty sure it is natural- or at least that is what my therapist tells me.

And the way I see it, if I was walking around all  ‘Polly-Anna Positive’  with my head up my ass- you’d have a lot more to be worried about. I fully understand the magnitude of our situation, and sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I will however, make a promise to you all here and now.

I may be sad for short periods of times, I may rant and I may cry and that might stress you out because you won’t know what to say or do- but I won’t stay in this mind set long.

I do know negative energy doesn’t serve us well right now- but it is part of this process and I’m going to honor that I need to feel all the feelings instead of letting them eat me up inside.

I am only human. 

We are moving on- from leprechauns and pots of gold and crappy sad posts to a plan.

  We are moving on to spring and celebrating Easter.  It is what we need- a little rebirth, resurrection of sorts to rise above this difficult time- or maybe what we need is just a little chocolate…wine and flowers.

Always wine.