This morning on our way to radiation it hit me. We had 11 treatments left, and today was the 11th of April.

Another 11:11 and I was grateful for the good sign.

This week has been tough at times. The swelling around Logan’s mega boost is very red and sore to the touch, and she is developing some back pain. At first I wasn’t too worried about it but I mentioned it to our nurse just to find out if I could something stronger than Advil for the pain.

Later that evening our oncologist called me from home. She has NEVER done that before, so now I am nervous.

She asked a series of questions. Is Logan getting any fevers? How is her balance? Headaches? numbness in her hands or feet? is the pain worse at night?

Most of my answers were initially no, but then the more I thought about them they turned to ‘I don’t know’. She has had a couple of headaches recently and she has been complaining about numbness in her legs and feet when she stands up. No fevers but her balance hasn’t been that good in such a long time I couldn’t answer whether it was better or worse. Probably just the same.

I asked Dr. Hukin if she was concerned. (knowing full well that a 8pm phone call from her meant that she was)

“Well…I think it would be a good thing for you to come in to see me on Monday. The clinic is closed tomorrow so I think you should see Dr. Goddard at the cancer agency tomorrow. I will call first thing in the morning to make sure that happens. If she develops a fever tonight, bring her into the ER”

There was silence.

I knew I had to ask the obvious question. “Are you concerned because you think it may be possible that more tumor has spread further into her spine?”

There was silence.

“It is possible” she said, “but lets say it is unlikely”.

“hasn’t everything so far been unlikely with Loggie” I asked.

There was silence.

“Have Dr. Goddard see her tomorrow. If you have any more concerns over the weekend, bring her in, if not than I will see you on Monday.”

“Couldn’t it be swelling from the radiation???” I asked.

“Highly unlikely” was her reply.

The conversation ended with her telling me to “Try not to worry too much about it and have a good weekend”

Shit.

Dr. Goddard didn’t say much.

“Hmmmmm. I am so soooorrryyy she is having pain. Maybe it is only because of how you have to lay in your immobilization each day. ” 

Pause, awkward stare.

“I think you should see Dr. Hukin on Monday. I am very sorry.”

So I feel like my nerves are shot. Monday feels so far away and I know they drill. Monday won’t bring any answers either.Without an MRI it is pretty much a guessing game, and unless they are certain things are taking a turn for the worse they are going to be very hesitant to order another MRI at this point during radiation. Remember- ‘dog’s breakfast?’

 Usually my gut instinct is pretty good. I think this is something muscular, and I have been been pretty good predicting in the past but now I don’t know for sure. I am questioning myself. Why are her legs are going numb?

My mind drives me crazy. Worry is not helpful.

So I am going to shift to some of the positive things that have happened in the last couple of days with you.

Yesterday we found another ladybug in our bathtub. This time it was floating in the water, kicking like crazy and struggling to survive.

I couldn’t help but think of the irony, how our little symbol of hope was showing us that he too struggles sometimes to simply keep his head above water.

Logan scooped him up out of the water and gently placed it back outside-

Later in the day went to get an oil change in my car (my poor over driven car). I never feel like I have time for menial tasks so decided to go to one of those quick drive thru places. The man that served us was really polite and gracious.

Our conversation began by him pointing out that the oil in my car was very black and that the air filter was dirty. I explained to him that I hadn’t had time to have my car serviced because I had been driving to and from the Cancer agency for my daughter. Logan was in the car. I was kind of hoping to shut him up- and hoping he wouldn’t try to up sell me on any further maintenance.

Instead, he kindly asked what kind of cancer Logan had and then told me how sorry he was for my hard times. He told me his father also died of cancer and that  he believed medicine can only cure so much but then God must heal everything remaining. 

Pretty powerful stuff. We know there is such a difference between a cure and healing. Curing is physical, but even with a cure so many people are never truly healed.

I couldn’t help but ponder if it is possible to have one without the other.

The oil change man gave me a discount and told me that he would pray for my family. He then asked me to take care of my car. He said it was the vessel I needed to transport my family to the place I was hoping would cure my daughter.

I smiled 50 bucks to have my oil changed and a therapy session. Good deal. Customer for life.

 As we pulled out of bay he stopped us and handed me a CD. “Please” he said “take this and listen, it is very peaceful music.”

I drove away, thanked him for his service and then wondered to myself if he knew that what I meant. I was talking about his kindness not the oil change?

Then I laughed to myself, the wisdom he had- he knew exactly what I meant.

I drove home, thinking about how earlier it felt like such an inconvenience to get an oil change when in fact it was me really me that needed my filters changed. I like efficiency.  My car was now serviced and I had little reminder, healing is one thing, curing is another both need to happen for us, and they are going to, just at different times.

Jared and I are leaving in the morning to go to Edmonton for a fundraiser my brother and his friends have organized for us. I am feeling pretty darn grateful. It will help cover so many costs, medications, fun, and commuting to and from the hospital.

We are leaving Logan home and close to the hospital. Grandma and Auntie Betty are in charge and her dad Paul is coming to visit with her. She will be fine- it all will be.