My day started early today with a ringing phone. It was Children’s hospital. Between our oncologist and the radiation oncologist it has been decided that a bone scan is indeed needed. Apparently they are both concerned and they don’t want to wait to have it done. They made an appointment for tomorrow.

Needless to say, I spent most of today trying not to think about tomorrow.

In the cancer world any day that you are destined to get news (good or bad) is a nightmare day.

The mind can be a terrible thing and the worry and fear that controls your mind can almost make you crazy. Or at least that is how I am feeling tonight. Crazy.

As I sit here sipping my wine, I am thinking of the serenity prayer- ironic…..isn’t it an AA thing?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

In theory it is such a powerful affirmation. In theory, if one could put it to practice life would be quite freeing but in reality this prayer seems almost impossible to me.

The “accept” part is especially tough. How do you accept this? I simply can’t

 Log had her dose of radiation today, we swung by our friend Simone’s house to pick up some soup and then raced home just in time to get in a big fight with the owner of the development we live in. It was kind of perfect for me- I got to be angry for good reason.

Our home is sinking and we are living in a swamp right now. We  have some serious drainage issues and the water running off from the land above us is insane. We have been back and forth with the developers trying to find a solution.

Today, Jeff, one of the owners of Portrait Homes (our builder) decided to pay me a visit. He surveyed the damage and then very smugly told me that if I wanted a use able flat 10,000 square foot lot than maybe I should have bought a house in Surrey instead of here in Silver ridge.

Douche bag!

He had no idea what was about to come next. My nerves are already shot so his comment pushed me right over the edge.

My whole body started to tremble and out of no where I had a total Ally McBeal moment. You know the kind of moment you can imagine yourself doing something really really bad? Yep that was it.

I literally stood in one spot shaking, but saw myself coming across the lawn in pure madness, claws clenched and mouth frothing about to shit kick Jeff. And I actually felt like in that moment I could take him.

Suddenly I was pulled back to reality. “Did you hear me, there is not much we are going to be able to do about this….”   and suddenly I was totally calm and rational.

“Don’t let him take my energy, Don’t give it to him Jenny….IF you do you won’t pull yourself out of this….” It was like I had an angel and a devil on either shoulder.

I couldn’t stand Jeff, he was an arrogant prick (to be kind) but his biggest problem of theday was freaking water issue in Lot 8.

Mine radiation and a bone scan to check for cancer on my 10 year old daughter.

We were in two different ball parks, on two completely different planets. There was no way our conversation was going anywhere. I had to walk away. My fight wasn’t done but I certainly wasn’t going to give Jeff the satisfaction of seeing me completely lose my shit.

 I walked inside my house, and I fell apart. I no longer have the tolerance or capacity to handle the things  I once did.

Things that were once so urgent and imperative, simply aren’t anymore. People I used to try so hard to impress aren’t even on my radar anymore. I want less conflict in my life and I can understand now what it means when people say “you need to take care of yourself”. Some times you have to walk away.

I made a speech at the fundraiser that was arranged for us this weekend. I felt weird, accepting people’s money and I didn’t really want my brother to put this event on. I felt guilty, like someone else could use it more than us or that we weren’t worthy of the attention.

I don’t know- I just felt too proud. I wasn’t humble enough to be able to accept the gifts that people were offering us.

And I learned something, being proud does nothing for you. It doesn’t make you better than anyone and it is as important to be able to accept as graciously as you give.

Very few people can do this.

People want to help in any way they can and I am really grateful for that.  The only ‘benefit’ that comes from having a sick child or being in our situation is being able to identify the gifts. And one of those gifts is the ability to learn how to let go of the stupid shit in life like the owner of portrait homes, who is mad because he did a poor job with your yard and you want him to fix it.

Small stuff.

  The big stuff is chicken noodle soup on the way home from radiation, the phone calls just to ‘check in’, the days taken off work to babysit your son, the people who shave their heads, book you holiday, write you a song, organize an event for you, drag you out on a walk outside.

Yes those are the ones that matter.

The ones that make you feel good.

The ones that make you forget the hell you are living 99% of the time.

The rest, it just doesn’t matter. What people think or the useless, unnecessary, thoughts we think we are all too hard on ourselves.

We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

‘If you knew better, you would do better?’ Seems like a small question, but today I answered yes.

On that note, back to hell. Logan has spiked a fever and we have called the oncologist. The bad news, we are off for a sleep over and our favorite suite is already booked on 2B. The good news, at least we won’t have to fight traffic all the way to radiation and the bone scan tomorrow morning.