Aloha!

Tomorrow is our final day in paradise.

 Our flight departs at 10:50pm so we don’t arrive until Thursday morning. I am pretending that means we have two days left. The flight isn’t too long but it is 3 hours ahead at home so it will be a weird day.

Logan had a great holiday. It has not been incident free but we’ve been more relaxed handling the symptoms (good to know- mai tai’s help). She has complained a few times of the “I can’t feel my legs” symptoms, which is equally as freaky in Hawaii as it is in BC but the spells passed quickly and she hasn’t had any unbearable headaches since she started the 20,000 new medications we brought along. (Obvious exaggeration)

Eating has been great especially in the morning (nausea is present) but after a hit of THC she usually gets the munchies and by bedtime she is snacking away. We have used the feeding tube when we felt we needed (both the pump and bolus). We have tried not to pressure her with food or stress about it. She has better than expected and that is good enough.

We are sad to go home tomorrow which seems not quite right seeing as we should be beaming with gratitude for this vacation and its extension- but we know what waits for us when we return and it is daunting.

This trip has been an amazing gift from Reid and Diane but part of me is leaving wondering if we will ever get the chance to do this again. (Reid suggests a 90 day plan- so I’d better get planning our next adventure)

I don’t let the thought of ‘what if’ cross my mind often, but when they come, it is complete fear that takes over my brain. I can’t bare the thought of losing my child.

Chemo starts in couple more weeks for the next entire year, it will be hard to imagine, that life actually exists so beautifully here in Hawaii.

Life back home is only a 5 hour flight , but it is a harsh reality from this one. I may have to ease back in- slowly- anyone free for Blue Hawaiin’s? My place 9:30 am daily…

It makes me sad that we have to go back to what is waiting and although we haven’t talked about it- I know Loggie is sad too. Silently, I can see her taking in deep breathes, filling her lungs and her mind with visions of this beautiful place mentally preparing herself for another stint of treatment.

I think treatment is hard, then I look at her, she has to bare not only the emotional toll but the physical one.

 She joined an online group today for kids with cancer and she asked if when she gets home if she can participate in more of the activities for oncology kids. She said it makes her feel better to be with other kids who are like her. I think it is a good plan although I worry about her too. There is a lot of sadness in the cancer world. I worry if she is ready for that. But her desire for this made me realize that she needs  different support than I am giving her. Even though I have been by her side for every moment of this journey, I truly don’t know what it is like for her. I think I know, because I am her mom, but really I have no idea. Only other kids who are living this same journey know what it is like for her.

So that is it. We return home tomorrow from this unbelievable trip and jump back into the world of cancer. We have no choice.

But one last thing before we go- Reid, Chris and I are off to a tattoo shop tomorrow to get “inked” together in honor of this trip.

I chose a ladybug (for obvious reasons) Reid a shark (after all that is what he is) and Chris a maple leaf.

 Logan wanted one too but I have to draw the line at some point. We promised her she could get a real one when she was older and returned to Maui and in the meantime we got her a henna tattoo of a ladybug instead.

Thanks to all of you for the good energy you have sent us during our stay here in Maui. We have felt great every single day we were here. We have slept (YES!!!!) dreamed incredible dreams, laughed, played, swam, drank and just had a ton of fun.

Not for one moment have any of us taken for granted how lucky we are to have had this opportunity, nor will we ever, in fact it has inspired us to plan our next adventure, to have something on the calendar to look forward to and to escape to. Who knows what or when it will be, but I’m sure there will be details coming soon…..