Home from Maui (sigh) but still dreaming of it. One day I would like to live there, I know I said that I would like to live in the Bahama’s (its the problem with traveling) but Maui is a place I could stay for a very long time.

Apparently the island has healing powers. I believe it does. We all did a lot of healing while we were gone.

It would do injustice to try and put into words how amazing our trip was. Reid, Diane and Chris treated us just like belonged on their vacations. We fit. There were never any awkward moments, or feeling like you were in any bodies way. The condo was a perfect amount of space, it was comfortable and relaxing. 

Logan did become the sequence champion of the world, if not for any other reason, than just because she played the most games. We came home and immediately bought the game.

Brody found a new best friend, in Chris…or should I call him DUDE?

We finished off the trip with a memory tattoo. Me a ladybug, Reid a shark (ha ha loan shark) and Chris a Canadian/American tattoo he had designed years ago but never got.

What a great way to remember such a great trip.

Both Logan and I are home now, and I don’t quite know how my boys survived for days in this house. NO FOOD.

I went grocery shopping, did laundry. no matter how long your are away the old routine comes back very quickly.

We took Loggie  to the hospital today to be seen by an oncologist. She needs more medications and I also wanted to have them take a look at her. Since we have been away she has  had more of her  “I can’t feel my leg” episodes and a few of the “I can’t see” ones too.

We got no news on what they thought was wrong, they just renewed her prescriptions, and told us to continue to watch her carefully. We got an appointment for her in to see Dr. Hukin next week.(Dr. Hukin was away this week so we saw, Dr.Bond)

Both Logan and I had meetings with the ‘feelings doctor’  Dr. Kuttner as well today,(psychologist) as The discussion of enrolling her in the program at Canuck place came up again and I haven’t been able to stop  thinking about it ever since.

Canuck place is a hopsice. 

 It is suggested when you move from the status of possible to cure to no possibility of cure. Pallative.

They say you never give up hope, and I don’t think you do, but moving to Canuck Place feels a litle like chipping away at that hope. We don’t have much left, and we need to hang on to what we’ve got.I hear amazing things from families who have been to Canuck place, I just don’t think we are ready.

Dr. Kuttner suggested that in speaking with our oncology team we may benefit from the programs Canuck place has to offer. She said we don’t have to think about it as a hospice but more so as another resource for support during our upcoming treatments. She wants us to take a tour and meet with the pain management team.

Dr. Kutter has been our therapist since shortly after Logan was diagnosed. She spent a number of years working/and still does work at Children’s hospital. She is apparently a specialist in the area of pain management and has been in contact with all the doctors from our ‘team’ numerous times during our 3 year stint. So we should listen to her she’s been around a long time and knows the drill.

This round of treatment is our last chance. I know her heart is in a good place, but I also have to trust that may heart is in a good place too. She may know the drill, but she’s not living it.

She reminded us that the chemotherapy we are starting in June is only a trial. There are few results to prove it will work and the symptoms Logan is already having are worry some. Radiation may or may not have worked. Too soon to tell.  She is trying to prepare us to at least contemplate ‘what if’s.’ and I think her heart is in the right place. She said if nothing else, Canuck Place would give us a place to stay if ever we wanted to be close to the hospital and if Logan wasn’t well enough to make the round drives to and from Maple Ridge.

I get it. Easier, more helpful. My answer- still no.

I believe Logan will be one of the miracles that beats this disease and going to Canuck Place feels a bit like I have some doubt. I can’t let doubt in at this point, a crack in the dam and the whole place is going down.

I wonder if denial is what gives you the strength to hold on, and keep going? If it is than I guess this where I need to stay for now. Denial it is.

Logan knows what it means. Her friends have gone to Canuck house and sadly never come back. She asked today if we were going to take her there. I asked her if she wanted to go, she didn’t hesitate. NO.

So that is our final answer……for now. Canuck Place is just too much.

Dr. Kuttner was very understanding of our choice. I asked her not to mention Canuck place any more for the time being. I thanked her for sharing our options.

She asked us to remain open to discussions in future. Very ‘feelings doctor’ of her. Remain open.

It is hard enough. Logan’s symptoms seem to be getting worse. Right now all I am doing is trying so hard not to lose my shit.

I can’t distinguish if my gut feeling is that it could be tumor, or if it is just the side effects of radiation. I have never been so out of touch with my ‘gut’ before.

I think this is what it feels like to be at war. Your gut doesn’t matter.

You focus on the task, the strategy. You see the horrific sights but you are in the battle. You have to remain disciplined- there is a schedule of medication and treatment. You have taken the oath and you commit to winning at all cost, it is all in the name of hope and freedom.

The freedom is from cancer.

The unfair part is that this war had a draft. There was no choice whether or not you want to fight, you didn’t sign up for this and there is no choice but to win.

Hawaii was a sabbatical. It was just enough time to forget about our war at home, but not enough time for it to be over. It was good to run away, but unfortunately, you always have to come back and face whatever war is waiting for you.

Here is one final Maui story before I sign off.

On the last morning on the I went down to the beach to sit quietly by myself. My intention had been to do it every morning but sleeping in became such an indulgence I found hard to get up.  I am not a morning person.

But on the last day I knew I needed to do it. To reflect and just be quiet, take it all in contemplate our nest step.

I got up, 7:oo sauntered down to beach before coffee and plumped my but on the sand.The waves crashed, the wind blew, it was warm and no one was around. I was able to breathe slowly and relax.

I am not sure if it is meditation,(god I would love to learn how to turn off my mind completely) but I felt a bit like I was floating.

I sat there on the beach  and was quiet all by myself  and inside myself (that never happens) for about 1/2 an hour. Everything felt OK.

When I opened my eyes, I was perplexed by how I could possibly feel the so peaceful in the ‘real world’ and I wondered if I could find this peace back home.

I left the beach knowing I wanted to try to figure it out.

And now I am back home. It seems almost impossible, the world around me again seems so harsh. I have got to find a way to escape it all and if I can’t just jump on a plane I need to figure out how to get away in my mind.

I guess that is the point, to find peace, ‘god’ or whatever it is you take comfort in, in the worst of times and not just the best of times.