Sometimes I feel like I am just one big cry baby.
I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I have cried in the last 10 years but it’s got to be close to a million so that consitutes a title. Cry baby.

Most of my tears have been filled with sadness and despair and and worry. They have flowed from me with fear, panic anxiety. Anxiety tears are the worst, I hate when things are out of my control and having a child with brain tumor means almost everything is out of my control. Acceptance is journey, one I’m not sure if I will ever arrive at.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a bit bossy and I am also a bit of a control freak. Not saying that I can’t go with the flow but mostly I like things organized, I like a plan.
I have cried so many silent tears  simply because in our life there is no plan. I have had to learn that I will never get ‘over’ Logan’s cancer diagnosis but instead learn how to get through it. (Thank you thousands of dollars of therapy.)

I have cried for the pain Logan has and still continues to endure. I have cried for my poor son in fear that maybe one day he will think I was a shitty mom to him and there wasn’t enough balance.
My heart has ached for reasons that aren’t even clear.

I have spent nights selfishly crying for what this disease has taken from me personally,  a lost career, dissolved relationships, and financial uncertainty and a then I have cried because of the guilt of being so damn selfish.
I know so many other families that would trade spots with me in a heart beat. I also know I should never cry for what I haven’t lost.

But some days, despite knowing all of this, I just cry because I need to. It is easy to get into the rut of feeling helpless and hopeless and pissed off and ripped off. Living a life that is this on the edge,all the time, for so long takes it toll and you need to be mindful to ‘stay positive’ (which also happens to be one of my least favorite statements)

So today, was too a day I cried.
But today, I cried for a different reason. I cried because my heart was  full and I was happy. Tears literally rolled down my cheeks.
Happy tears imagine that.

Happy tears feel so much different than sad tears.
Happy tears feel like “Hell ya- I am exactly right were I am supposed to be, I can do this”
Happy tears feel connected and weightless and today that is exactly how I felt. Totally and completely light.

As the ferry pulled away from the Island of Koh Chang and I looked back I felt a sincere sense of gratitude.

I know we are lucky and I should feel this way every day but I am going to honest- I don’t.
I am not going to go and get all Oprah Winfrey on you but I had an ‘Ah ha moment’  this deep sense that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and that every single moment in my life had to happen to lead me to this one.
Then I kind of just said “YES” to myself and then I started to cry.

Usually when I cry it worries Jared. He knows the spiral,  but this time when he saw my tears, he too smiled. “I should just quit my job”

YES

and I  threw on my headphones and started a bit of a dance party on the ferry. I actually have the worst moves in the planet and it is joke in our family how bad I dance, so at first Jared and the kids gave me a weird look.

I didn’t care, I started singing louder and louder and got up, starting pointing at them…..”Life is better with you”…at the top of my lungs and before I knew it Brody joined in and we sailed away from the Island- singing Michael Franti together both with happy tears.

I will return to Koh Chang but next time I will stay much longer and in a less expensive villa right on the beach. I will eat more local food and I spend less time at the pool and more time in the ocean. I will rent a moped and see the east side of the Island. I will go to nightclub.

We were scheduled to leave Koh Chang yesterday, but we just couldn’t bring ourselves to leave so thanks to modern technology (Hotwire to be exact) we booked a great room at a much smaller resort up the island and stole one extra day in paradise.
The Khlong Phrao resort is gorgeous and super reasonable. We at the best Thai food we’ve had on the island and then we lied in bean bag chairs to watch the sun go down.

I won’t mention the hard bed or the cold shower (because it is almost not worth mentioning) and this morning we had a great breakfast….. or at least I did. Jay is the first one of us to have tummy troubles on the trip.
Thankfully, he isn’t letting it stop him, and today we took a kayak out to the tip of the bay. It was breathtaking and almost the highlight of the trip.

At the hippy hut

I say almost because we did so many cool things in the 7 days we were on the island that it is hard to say what the highlight was.
Maybe it was having a mojito at the hippy hut while observing a very talented artist paint his obsession of Bob Marley, maybe it hiking to a hidden waterfall, maybe it was pulling my amazing 18 year old daughter out of a Thai bar, or maybe it was swimming with an Elephant.

Yes, swimming with and riding elephants was actually one of the most amazing things we did- bar none.
Funny enough when I got to Koh Chang I had decided that we would likely not do this activity. I read a lot of really bad things about how the elephants in these camps were treated and I kind of felt a bit like doing this activity was the same as taking my kids to Sea World. I don’t want to sound righteousness but I think animals should be out in the wild. I don’t think we should use them for our own form of entertainment.

I don’t want to spark a debate but the kids really did want to go to the elephants and I had promised them the activity as their Christmas present (which they reminded me). The original plan was to head to Chaing Mai to an elephant conservation park but we are running out of time. So after a bit of persuasion and a few Chang beers I decided to do some research about facilities on Koh Chang.  I found out that one of the camps on the island is actually in conjunction with Friends of Asian elephants, which is an organization that works to conserve Asian elephants, and supports humane treatment and proper regulations around the habitat in which they live. We asked around about the camp we chose and in the end we decided to go. We all agreed that if we didn’t like what we saw when we got there then we would forgo the money we spent and we’d leave with out partaking.
We liked the idea of bathing the animals and brushing them, but we weren’t sure about riding them. We told the facility our concerns and they said we could decide as we went along, they wouldn’t force anything on us. It could be our choice.
I have to say both were awesome.
The handlers were incredible with the elephants, and the animals seems happy, playful and most importantly well fed.
The handler carries a pick like tool, and it worried me very much that the animal might get abused but not even once was it used. When I asked about the tool, the handler explained that it was more for the tourists to feel safe than controlling the animals. In fact, our handler never even really rode the elephant but rather walked beside him and talked to him the whole time.

There is no doubt it is a tourist attraction but honestly in a country like this where there are so many people who want to do this, this activity will likely always exist. I just encourage you just do your research and choose somewhere that is reputable. The Ban Kwan elephant facility is a good. They moved their camp from the road side (where so many of them are) into the jungle so that the animals could live in a natural, shaded, habitat. They have teams of people working all day chopping down leaves and food for the animals. The groups are small, and there are no big hooks through the animals mouths. They are given freedom to roam and you are cautioned to stay out of their space instead of the other way around..
They also get lots of bananas-so many bunches of bananas- which they love.

Swimming with elephants Ban Kwan elephant camp

Elephants are incredible animals but they are also huge. Brody was a bit nervous at first and didn’t like the idea of getting into the water with them. He didn’t like when the Elephant submerged into the pond. He did it so that you could crawl up on his back but you couldn’t see most of his body when we went under. It was the first one on one interaction with the animal and to be honest was a bit creepy but after you realized he didn’t want to crush you then it was just plain awesome. I am sad B didn’t partake.

Now, as I type I am on the city bus to Bangkok. Apparently the entire trip takes 7 hours including the ferry ride. The back packers at Lonely beach told us there was no need to pre book the bus. They told us that at 800 baht the service was a rip off from the hotels and tour companies and that it was totally doable to arrange the trip on our own.

I love this kind of challenge, plus I am also relentless when it comes to a deal so I couldn’t bring myself to spend an extra 450 ($18.00) for the same service. I had Google on my side and 10 different sites all with different information we’d be fine. We jumped a road side cab to the ferry crossing and held our breath that the 2pm city bus was really going to be waiting for us on the other side.

Good thing, we had horseshoes up our ass, because we got the last 5 seats on the crowded bus and for 245 baht we not only got a clean, new, and air-conditioned ride, we also got a bottle of water, a donut, a coffee and a juice box. SCORE.

Apparently we arrive around 7:30pm and are bracing ourselves for what will seem like a return to reality and the gong show of city life-in the dark no less. We have to navigate the local sky train to our hotel about 1/2 hour away from the local bus station. It always amazes me when we travel. At home we’d never do this- use public transit at night.
We are all excited for Bangkok in our own way. Jared plans to get a couple shirts made for work (insert sad face here) the girls are going to shop the fashion malls (go figure) Brody wants to see the floating markets, eat at some of our favorite travel bloggers top spots and maybe buy some cheap iPad cases. Me, well I am just looking forward to using my credit card (Koh Chang is a cash only island and we are running out) having a long hot shower, throwing on one of the too many dresses I’ve packed and finding myself a decent glass of wine.

Cheers!