Love, Pray, Drink (Wine)~ I’m going to India

I am not even sure how to begin this blog, because the words I want to share seems stuck somewhere between the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat.

It doesn’t happen very often, but I don’t know how to say what I want to say (Sorry in advance but I am about to mumble).

I am a bit in shock, and a bit in awe. I am teetering somewhere between questioning if I am about to do the right thing, and scared shit-less about doing it.

Despite the fact that I think I might have asked the universe for this opportunity- (apparently writing things down works) I don’t know if I was entirely open to how this was about to manifest itself.

I am a Libra, so basically, I feel completely out of balance and my head is spinning.

I know- you are already thinking “What the F?” so I’m going to get on with it.

Up to you, if you want to read ahead. This post is about to get deep and long and in the end I will be asking you for something.

If it seems too much, you should close your browser and move on because I know one thing- I am going to need all the support I can get around this decision and any negative thoughts from cyber world won’t be helpful.

I’ll start from the beginning (well kind of)

It all started June 3rd 2005- you know what day that was- The worst day….

So, skip ahead 10 years- and 2015 did not just have tough days, it was tough year.

There were many things that were great about it, but to be honest 2015 was one of the toughest years, we as a family, have ever had.

For me, personally, I really struggled. Every time I thought we turned a corner and inched ahead, something would slap us in the face, try to drag us down, and like burning a candle at both ends, after a while, our lights just fizzled out.

Normal life is not normal any more in our world and its hard to share. It feels ungrateful to write about how difficult things can be, when I know damn well I should not complain. Thirty four funerals for amazing kids that never got the chance Logan has is a constant reminder how lucky we are.

But lucky isn’t lucky in the brain cancer world, and cancer is not black or white.

Now, every day is a challenge and readjusting expectations and trying to find more joy and less worry and seizing the stolen moments and accepting that life will never be the same again- is our new normal.

Normal for us is about 40 medications a day to manage, routines that include support groups and support systems, learning disabilities and pain- so many headaches, and doctors appointments. Weird and foreign worlds of disability organizations and programs where people living with a brain tumors really don’t fit.

It seems that common sense to us doesn’t make any sense to anyone else and nobody really ‘gets’ us. There is a constant nagging worry that the tumor might, at any second, yet everyone treats us as though we should be ready to move on- be the heroes and inspire others to fight the good fight.

So we do the best we can.

We step up, we smile, we share our story and have as much fun a we can whenever we can. We really do and it is not all bad, but just beneath the surface our family is a bit more fragile than we portray and to be honest, 2015 was pretty darn shaky for us.

Our goal has always been the same, since June 3rd 2005

LIVE. NEVER GIVE UP. KEEP MOVING FORWARD. HAVE NO REGRETS but it is harder to achieve these goals year after year and sometimes we sort of lose our momentum.

I could write an entire book about capacity, about enduring life when you have no choice but try to accept circumstances and situations that are completely out of your control and ones that you despise.

When you live knowing that life could take an awful turn at any moment you feel obligated to never feel shitty. I could type endlessly about how it feels to be stuck, and helpless and about what it is like to desperately long for the ignorant bliss and nativity that you once took so for granted.

Set back after set back makes it harder to enjoy the little moments. It is just part of the deal.

And you ask- “What the F is this all for? Can’t it just get better now, haven’t we all learned enough?”

I have so much guilt for these feelings. You have no idea.

I have so much anger for what has happened to my child (both my children) and I feel tortured inside knowing that saving her, has come with such a cost to the quality of her life and to all of ours.

Life is like a roller coaster. One that is fast and fun and exhilarating but at the same time one that you aren’t ever allowed to buy a ticket to get off.

2015 was a rollercoaster ride that was amped right up.

We started the year being audited by the CRA going back 3 years- (because of our rental) almost at the exact same time the geothermal system in our rental property finally kicked the bucket and although we should have been prepared for both- we weren’t, so, it cost us shit ton of money.

But it is only money. Having less cash is stressful but honestly, the one good thing that comes from cancer is perspective. Money is just paper. You can always make more dollar bills. It is not that bad. Also, if you make the minimum payment the bank always give you more credit. Not such a bad system, we roll with it.

But, for Jared being the only one working, he struggled in 2015 more than ever to make his ever increasing sales target. The falling Canadian dollar and current state of the economy didn’t help one bit as he busted his ass to make his budget and pay our bills. Jared is fiercely competitive and watching him stress caused our family much stress. He is kind of like the captain of our family plane- he never runs up and down the aisles, or panics, and Jared did a lot of panicking in 2015 so that too was really hard on us all. We weren’t used to seeing him unsettled.

Logan graduated high school, which for most kids is totally awesome but for her (and all of us) meant a big fat question mark. Her graduation was such an milestone but, was achieved in part to the huge amount of support and modifications her teachers made for her. When that support was suddenly ripped out from underneath of it was an unexpected adjustment. We didn’t know where to turn for help and we didn’t realize how much we relied on the help we were getting.

We had numerous scans and assessments to find out what Logan’s future potential could be which only solidified the damage done by years of treatment. Physically, psychologically and emotionally this disease has taken it’s toll and the late effects of treatment on her body and mind has been devastating for not only her but all of us that love her.

It is heartbreaking to watch. This is a time in a young adults life when opportunity should be on every horizon, but for Logan the doors are closing faster than she can get to them and the answer seems to be no at every turn. “No you probably won’t ever have children of your own, No you can’t take this program full time, No you can’t drive, No you can’t stop this medication, no Logan you can’t, you can’t , you can’t”

But be happy. Live life. Be grateful. You are a survivor.

We finally upped her medications and got a good mojo at the end of the year. Her pain was under control and we navigated the new world of difficult college courses with very little support. As any parent knows, teaching your own child is impossible, try teaching a child with a learning disability when you don’t even fully understand the extent of disabilities.

I’m sure you can imagine the large amount of tears that were shed, on both ends.

This year we fought the system, appealed decisions, begged for help and finally got a plan together that supported getting her into a college program very part time, then we fought the teacher who didn’t think she should be there in the first place.

We got her a job volunteering at a daycare (which she loves and is perfect at) We drove her to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House and at Camp Goodtimes (so much driving) just so she could feel part of something and continue to give back.

We agreed to be the face of the Canadian Cancer Society 2015 campaign and we raised a bunch of money for brain cancer research, because it is the right thing to do. We shared our story and we also gave back all we could- we smiled in gratitude for the opportunity to be part of a better solution for brain cancer, and inspired others to do the same. We committed to a competitive lacrosse schedule, and to encouraging our son who has an ambitious and creative mind to pursue what he loves- acting. We went to so many auditions, learned so many scripts, and worked through the emotion of so many rejections. We started cyber school and the frustration of homeschooling, but not really homeschooling, while navigating our way through new age technology we don’t have a clue about.

And then…..

At the end of the year, we collapsed.

And we did what we always do…….

We ran away from our problems, and our life.

We booked a trip to Asia, threw it on the line of credit and got basically got the F out of dodge right before holiday season’s gluttony began. We just knew we couldn’t handle it this year. We desperately needed to recharge. So, we flew to the other side of the world to drink new brands of beer under different palm trees. We saw very different cultures and ate very different food, and we put ourselves in some very uncertain situations only so that we could find our way out.

We connected as a family, we laughed, and did exactly what we hoped to do- we escaped our reality and got one hell of a tan (bad, bad cancer family- I know)

When we came back, 2016 seemed much more promising. We were refreshed and ready to ‘live life in the front row’ and head to the ELLEN show (yes…that is another blog- it was so amazing, we had a fabulous time, and I will share all the details)

But something was not quite as I expected when I got home and it was almost as though I was yearning to go back.

Here is the deal, Asia but specifically Bali was like a freaking awakening for me. Going to the Yoga barn, Soulshine and the whole experience with Michael Franti, spending a few days navigating my way through new situations and a new country gave me some sort of a super powers. Or at least that is how I felt when I was there- like I had super powers and then when I returned home I felt like those powers started fading.

I don’t know how to explain it- because I know they are not super powers.

I also know that I am not any different or better than any one else but in Asia I felt really connected and present in my life and I was fully aware of it.

I knew I wanted more of that feeling at home, but home, is just, well reality so how do you get that?

It was almost like while I was away I could almost see my thoughts creating my reality (OK a bit much- I know but kind of true).

I could actually feel myself shifting out of my negative thought pattern and I had this knowing that it was time to let go of the past. Like a fog lifting I could feel myself moving away from the resentment and anger and guilt around what cancer has done. I was ready to figure out how to approach the ever allusive emotion of acceptance which has been dodging me for so long.

I was aware in Bali, as all the cool things were manifesting, that I was living life on purpose. I was in harmony and it felt great.

I hope what I am saying makes sense to you because it barely makes sense to me, and it is a bananas concept- but for those of you who ‘get it’- you will ‘get it’

It just felt honest. Like somehow over there, that I could really attract whatever I wanted in my life. I don’t feel like that here at home.

I mean, really, here I was I was floating around on the other side of the world sitting across the table from one of my favorite musicians and heroes- which should have been completely impossible. Even now as I think about it, I pinch myself, I know it really happened but how did it happen? and how do I attract more of that awesomeness?

So, my impossible reality was happening in right front of me, and so were my thoughts. So clearly, that I could actually feel them forming and I knew each one of them were going to happen.

This was the first time in forever this has happened. Almost since Italy chemo (for those of you who have followed our story) and we all know how good that worked. Bingo. I need more of this.

I chatted a bit about all of this with Michael’s good friend Scott and a few of the other yogi’s at the retreat the day before. Everyone was totally supportive of my deep contemplative thoughts since they were all in Ubud doing the same thing.

I was encouraged to write down my goals for 2016

Here they are (I should note- this list originally began with “Drink more water” which somehow got axed from the list because it didn’t seem profound enough but is one thing I really do need to do)

Work on being more open and saying yes. Be limitless and expressive both physically and emotionally. Don’t hold back. Be impeccable with my word. Mean what I say, say what I mean.
Try new things as they present themselves. Get out of my comfort zone. Don’t worry so much about how I look in front of others- just participate.
More listening (I have so many incredibly smart people around me)- less talking (tough for ole’ loud mouth me)
Truth- live it- own it- speak it
Find more passion in my life, in my marriage- and in my self. Focus more on things that I am passionate about and love to do. Surround my self around people who are truly passionate about life and love what they do.
Create a job or any opportunity to do something I love- that gives back to others
Work on acceptance- of so much, but mostly myself. Don’t let fear, guilt, shame anger, and sadness own so much of my heart.

Pretty intense right???

So I come home all recharged like I’ve just mastered the path to self realization, all preachy and feeling like a brand new person.

Lucky you- if you didn’t get a chance to speak to me during this time. ‘Got her shit together Jenny’ is quite something if I do say so myself- (insert sarcasm here)

I mean who was I kidding a few hours in downward dog with a famous musician I thought I was Oprah freaking Winfrey. “Come on!”

Well, the good news is the universe didn’t buy it for one second or maybe it did.

I still don’t know- but what the universe did do was serve me up an opportunity.

It took one look at my New Year’s resolution list- amalgamated all of them together (with a focus on #6 ) said- “Prove it.”

And just like that I am going to INDIA….. IN 5 WEEKS.

Holy shitballs!!!

Now India, at all scares the shit right out of me to begin with let alone in 5 weeks.

But insert the fact that I am going alone, or more so with group of cancer survivors and caregivers I have never met to volunteer and give back in some of the most impoverished places to some of the most vulnerable people in India and I am feeling really, really afraid.

This is SO outside of my comfort zone, I can’t even begin to tell you how outside it is. First off, India has never been on my radar. My shallow self knows it doesn’t have the same beach appeal as my other fancy vacation spots, apparently there is no swimming pool.

But this is SO NOT A VACATION.

And to be honest this is the farthest thing I would ever even consider enjoyable- because I am so scared of it. I know from the deepest part in me that it is going to be life changing and incredible and probably one the best things I have or will ever do in my life but the thought of it still makes me extremely uncomfortable, completely vulnerable, and totally nervous. Which I have been told is the whole point.

The connection to this program http://www.afreshchapter.com/fresh-chapter-alliance-foundation was made through a fellow oncology dad. I have no idea why or how he knew or thought this would be a fit for me but he decided to link myself and Terri (the founder) together and I instantly could relate to her and her vision for her foundation. As it turned out a spot had opened up (sadly the reality of cancer) so after a few long phone call discussions and days of tossing the idea back and forth we both decided I should join this March program and participate.

So I am going to INDIA IN 5 WEEKS!!!!

I have literally spent days with my throat in my stomach contemplating, I have made vats of chicken soup (most of you will get how bad that is) I have drank a couple bottles of wine (with no answers at the bottom) and I haven’t slept much.

I have asked a few very smart women who I treasure dearly for their honest advice and I haven’t liked everything I heard, but I owned it.

I was told that maybe it was too much and I needed to stay strong for my own family.

I was told that they worried I was losing sight of the really amazing small things in my life, and that not everything needed to be so big.

I was told I needed to settle down and hunker down and take care of some very tangible things at home- likes the bills.

But what each one of them also said was that no matter what I decided they knew I was going to do the right thing. I needed to come up with the answer on my own and no matter what I decided, they would love me through it.

In many ways, I know I hoped everyone would steer me away from going, but never once did anyone make it their decision to make for me. In the end, my husband, my family and my best friends all said the very same thing,

“Do what your heart tells you…”

So tonight, I sat quietly and I asked myself what I wanted to do- and it dawned on me. I want to be humble and I want to be happy. I want to think more with my heart and less with my head. I don’t always want to do the things I think I should, to have things I think I need. I want to do things I feel are right and loving and compassionate where ever that takes me.

So there was my answer.

I AM GOING TO INDIA IN 5 WEEKS.

Would I regret or be angry at myself for not going? Probably not.

And you might be reading this and think I could likely find the profound experience I am seeking in India right here at home if I tried. You might be right and you get to have your own opinion.

But that is the point isn’t it. We all have to find our own way.

and obviously I haven’t or at least not yet.

So maybe I do need to go to India, and be completely defenseless and outside of myself and totally uncomfortable and alone to find myself. To find acceptance and peace and whatever the hell else it is I am looking for.

Maybe I just need to trust- that the universe is like my freaking genie and it saying “Your wish is my command”

Or maybe I just need to go to India and come back, get a job, get over myself, just chill the F out and accept that cancer is an asshole but no matter what we as a family are always going to be OK. I am going to be OK…. and that struggle is basic and universal.

I don’t know- but what I do know is that now that I have committed.

So I am all in- and that means

I am going to INDIA IN 5 WEEKS!

It also means I need to raise some money to support going through this program with this foundation to participate.

I will pay what I can but the money raised through this campaign goes towards the program costs, accommodation, food and the facilitators, writing workshops, 6 months of ongoing support groups and community programs, all the places we volunteer, clothing and a few cultural experiences. Any money raised above my goal will help with grants and scholarships to send someone else on one of these adventures.

Part of raising the money is also about fully getting behind this idea, this foundation and it is about putting yourself out there and being vulnerable enough to ask for people to get behind you and support this cause.

Asking for your support scares the crap out of me.

I can ask for a lot of things, for others, no problem, but I feel guilty asking for anything for myself (which might be something I also need to work on in India)

So- with that said I generously ask- Will you support me in doing this volunteer trip to India in 5 weeks time?

Will you get behind me and encourage me and donate to this foundation via my personal page and support this cause? Will you click the link and sending me whatever you money you can so that I can go out into the world and give back what ever it is I have to share?

If you can’t help financially, that is OK and I understand.

But will you still send me good thoughts and love and compassion and understanding as to why I am doing this? Will you try not to judge.

Will you share my links on your pages and re-post this blog and story and will you ask others to not only get behind and my family but this amazing foundation?

I know we could all use healing…each one of us for different reasons, but we are all the same and we all need each other.

The program means going to New Delhi for just over 2 weeks and my volunteer choices will include spending 2 weeks volunteering at either Mother Teresa’s home for the destitute and dying, an orphanage or a home for abandoned women. I will also have the opportunity to share my story and my families cancer story with other survivors at the program, as well as, families in India going through cancer. I will get to connect with myself and I am sure I will get to learn a lot of lessons both big and small which I hope will make me a better wife, a better mother, a better friend and caregiver.

If you choose too come along and follow this blog, I will also get to share this experience with you all. I will commit to writing to you from India and sharing not only how my participation affected me but also how your support has made a difference to the people I will meet in India and to myself and my entire family.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here is the link to my personal fundraising page if you’d like to donate and support me on this crazy adventure. I Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much in advance and I promise to pay every dollar forward in the love and care I will give away to others.

https://www.volunteerforever.com/volunteer_profile/jennifer-montgomerylay

And here are some videos about The Fresh Chapter foundation and what it is all about.

Let your soul shine. Bali.

The only advice Jared and Logan gave me as I left the airport was to

A. Let the experience of Bali be all it was met to be. To be open and go with the flow. Not to control every thing, to just have fun.

And

B. To not tan my face. Apparently Logan doesn’t want her mom to look like a leather hand bag at the Ellen show.

So far I’ve done pretty good at one of the two.

Brody and I arrived in Bali safely and unscathed. Thanks to my favorite sister in law we had a driver pick us up at the airport and safely transport us to Ubud. I am beyond grateful. Arriving in a new country can feel sketchy and I quickly realized I could have easily been scammed. The prices quoted as I got off the plane were far higher than what I actually paid for my private driver-so thank you Danielle (and Mel and Grandpa George)

Ubud is about an hour and a half away from the Denpasar, where the airport is and the ride to our hotel was uneventful. We cruised through the city bustling with the usual busy traffic, past so many amazing furniture stores (how much is a container to ship home?) and down the winding and narrow roads lining the rice fields.

I was in awe.

So much about Bali is the same as the rest of Asia but at the same time so much is different than everything we have seen over the past month. My head darted from one side to the other trying to take in all the sights and as my excitement grew, so did my anxiousness. I almost couldn’t wait to arrive and get this adventure started. It was just as I was about to come out my seat, that we pulled up to a quaint little hotel on the corner of a busy street in Ubud.
Ubud is just as I hoped. It is truly an oasis and such a welcome serenity in the the craziness of Asia.
It is as you imagine, green, organic and full of people who are here to do some serious contemplation.
Ubud has an energy that words won’t do justice, so I won’t try. I guess it is because it not really supposed to be spoken about. It is supposed to be felt.

It is a little town that has a vibe that is not quite Sayulita but also not quite Saltspring Island. It is hippy pants and smarty pants. It is coconut water, and fine wine. It is cheap hostels and expensive retreats. It is chicken skewers being cooked on the street corner of a vegan restaurant.
Ubud is an anomaly- so it instantly it felt perfect, like I had arrived home.

Brody and I got to Indonesia on New Years Eve. It was the end of one great year and the start of the new calendar and we had the intention of whooping it up until the break of dawn.
We made it until 10 pm.
We wandered the streets, got lost, ate at a cool restaurant, looked in a few shops, watched some locals kids rip a couple firecrackers in a very unsafe manner and then we both identified that we were trying too hard to make an awesome night out of a night we just wanted to end, so we went home to bed.

As much as my hope was to share an epic story about New Year’s Eve in Bali, I have to be honest.

I slept through it all, which, to those of you who ‘get it’ -know- it was totally awesome.

Going home early was the perfect call.

Jared knew, bringing Brody to Bali was a good idea. He would reign me in. There would be no hangover for what I really came here to do. I wouldn’t miss out on all that Soulshine had to offer.
I woke up refreshed, limber, hydrated and ready to start the day at the Yoga Barn New Year’s retreat and Jam.

We arrived first thing in the morning and lined up for tickets. Apparently we got 2 of the last 11 (of course) available and since Brody miraculously turned 12 overnight (haha) he got to participate in the morning Yin class.

There were 145 mats in the room. Brody and I chose the two at the very back of the most beautiful studio you could ever imagine.
Yoga Barn is a facility that is built at the end of a busy street in Ubud, but the moment you walk in, you’d never know.
It is so peaceful and quiet.
There is a guest house, a quiet area, an detox facility, an amphitheater, an juice bar and a lobby/gift shop and towering above it all is the main yoga studio.

It is open air, with beautiful hardwood floors and vaulted ceilings. It is shaded and cool. Both the fans and the music are running softly in the background.

It is the perfect balance of beauty and tranquillity and it is breathtaking.

It sounds corny but the moment I stepped foot inside the facility. I knew I had ‘arrived’.

It was everything I hoped it would be. I day dreamed about this place on the plane ride over and pictures couldn’t do it justice. I was excited to soak it all up.

Check mark on the bucket list- enlightenment here I come!

Only it (enlightment) didn’t come.

Class started and as much as I loved it, it was clear that Brody did not. He twitched and rolled his eyes, he drank water and mouthed escape plans to me. I was worried about the rest of the day- he was trying to be a yogi- but he didn’t buy it.

Shit.

What was I thinking bringing an 11 (I mean 12) year old boy to a yoga retreat in Bali and expecting him to ‘get’ the path to enlightenment?

I mean isn’t the path to enlightenment really about being 11?
I tried to ignore him but the more I did, the more it was obvious we needed a break from the perfect yoga retreat.

Lunch was served, a vegetarians delight. Brody snubbed the offering and decided he wanted chicken.
Of course.
So off we trucked in the heat of the day to a local cafe. Me irritated, him a bit on edge of a total meltdown, hippy bandana and yoga pants still totally in place.

We looked the part but we were so far from being mindful, present and connected.

Brody was trying his best. He really was, but this was new and awkward and weird. We needed a moment to regroup and ask ourselves what we both hoped to take away from the day because it was clear that neither of us were going to have a good experience.

First lesson of the day learned.

Do more of this in real life.

Step back when needed.

It was time for a cold beer, green juice just wasn’t going to cut it. I needed something stronger to ease my frustration and since the universe was in charge, we chose a restaurant just down the street from the yoga barn that only sold large ones.

Perfect.

Brody and I ate, and we talked about the day and the expectations and in the end we decided to head back to the afternoon class with a different approach. If Brody didn’t want to participate, he didn’t have to and I promised to not let it affect my experience. He could take off the head band, pull out his iPad and if he didn’t want to do yoga, he didn’t have to. He had You tube.
We high fived, shook hands, hugged and went back with a new plan.

Then without expectations lingering, a shift happened.

I grabbed a mat and Brody sat on a bench watching. Before long I looked over and he was on the other side of the room in a full downward dog.

The energy was very different than the Yin class and Brody was soaking it all up. All on his own, no pressure from me- he chose to do back bends with the best of ’em.

The teacher was amazing and upbeat and it was clear that all 145 students loved him. The vibe was powerful and the music was pumping.

Les, an ex-alcoholic, ex-crystal meth addict, ex-porn star turned yoga teacher turned a room full of strangers into a room full of family.
There was a lot of touching, hugging, saying thank you and I love you’s and for me there was a shit load of crying.

Like a baby.
It was a beautiful thing.

My legs throbbed, my arms twitched and my heart ached.
But it was so completely different than my usual heart ache, this heartache felt like everything being released. It felt like letting go.

“Booya! Ubud success. Eat, pray, Love that shit.” I was screaming to myself on the inside.

The girl beside me seemed concerned. She just told me to breathe. We were in frog pose, and she didn’t seem too worried by my tears. I guess people must often cry in that posture. Ouch!

The best part was when the class came when it was over. Brody skipped back with a huge smile on his face, apparently NOW he loves Yoga. The day was, fun, rewarding and inspiring.

Yes!!! Check Mark, Gold Star, Success!!
We were ready to rock.

Micheal Franti started his set after a beautiful meditation about intention and goal setting for the new year. When he walked out on stage, there was not whole lot of hoopla as he started strumming his guitar. It kind of felt like an exclusive party almost like being invited into a living room full of his friends.
Everyone was happy, relaxed, yoga-fied, sober and peaceful.
Brody beamed with energy as he inched his way closer and closer to the front of the stage. Every time I would look at him, his excitement, amazement and awe would continue to grow.

“Mom, I LOVE this” he said as he danced. “This is amazing!!!”
And it was, but I am not sure what was more amazing, the music, the people or just watching my bare foot boy twirling around on the grass with no inhibitions singing at the top of his lungs.

My lips smiled. My heart smiled and my eyes cried.
This trip was a last minute decision. It was over the top to not go home and instead come here to do this. I was spending so much money and a part of me felt guilty and selfish for extending an already amazing holiday.

But in that moment, the guilt was gone. I could never put a price on this. I had done the right thing.

Being here with Brody, totally happy and peaceful and well stretched for this awesome dance session had solidified I made the right decision. I didn’t need the universe to show me anything else for me to know me I was exactly where we were supposed to be.

Here.

But then, just as I was having this very thought, incase there was any doubt, the universe decided to shine down on us a little more.

I caught glimpses of Michael Franti looking at Brody, and I then I saw him stare. Brody was mostly oblivious and just kept dancing, singing and smiling, he was so in his element.

“Kid…” Michael pointed at Brody “Get the hell up here”
Brody turned to me puzzled- “Me???”

I pushed him…..
“GO!!!”
And he did. He went up on stage in all his glory and he belted out The Sound of Sunshine like he was the rock star.

I cried. Harder.
This is why I came here. This is why I knew I had to come. It was Brody’s time to have the spot light after all the years of living in the shadow of his sister’s illlness. After all the years of patiently waiting and hearing that it wasn’t about him, it finally was.

He was front and center and he was leading the crowd singing in complete harmony and rocking out. I was so incredibly and completely grateful to see it first hand.

I am also so excited to share it with you all, only I was so excited to see him on stage that I forgot to hit record on the GoPro.

Shit.

A moment had happened that was so kick ass and pivotal and life altering and I had missed the opportunity to capture it.

Shit.
A few blurry pictures and an awesome memory are all I have have to prove how hard Brody rocked out. I have asked for the video to be shared but if it isn’t you’ll just have to trust me, IT WAS SO AWESOME.

Anyhow, and at the end of the night when there was a small opportunity to say goodnight and thank you for the experience Brody and I approached Michael

We told our story and shared our adventure that led us to Bali to participate in Soulshine and see him play and the next thing we knew a plan was in place for us to hang out some more with him.

Holy shitballs! It could get better.

We arrived at Soulshine (Micheal Franti’s resort and yoga retreat) at 10 am on Sunday morning. As we walked up the road to the villa I could tell both Brody and I were nervous.
“Lets try not to be weirdo’s” I said to Brody.
“I know, Mom, but he’s famous and we are just normal and it feels super awkward to go to his house. I have never met a celebrity before….”

I paused at the gateway.

Second lesson of this amazing adventure.

“Brody, you are also a rock star and you always have been. Micheal Franti is inspiring because he does what he loves and he’s good at it, so we think he is cool and almost better than us, but you know what, he is not. He is just a normal guy, who obviously doesn’t think he is a celebrity because if he did he wouldn’t have invited us. Brody- he thinks you are totally rad…. OWN it”

He looked at me, rolled his eyes and winked “Ok, mom- thanks for the pep talk, was that more for me or more for yourself?”

Good point, and a total Brody’ism’
I didn’t know, but either way we both high fived and walked towards the gate. “Let’s do this!”

I should actually back up and say, Brody walked (actually skipped) through the gate and I sort of waddled behind him. After a full day of yoga and another full day of riding mountain bikes in the rice fields my path to enlightment had left me with a rather sore ass.

Ouch -but as I looked around at my surroundings, I quickly forgot my pain.

Soulshine retreat is gorgeous.

Like out of this planet, perfect, as you would dream gorgeous. As you walk in to the place the stones are precisely laid to welcome you with words like ‘be happy’ and ‘let your soul shine’.

The long pathway to the lobby is beside a creek where locals are bathing naked with their children. Music is whistling in the background and it is shaded and cool.

We were greeted by an older Balinese man who seemed to be expecting us.
“Here to see Michael?” He said to us just before he hugged us unexpectedly.

We nodded in appreciation and he ushered us up to the pool deck where Michael and his friend Scott were waiting for us.

I took a deep breathe. Holy shitballs, this is happening! Don’t be a weirdo.

We were hugged and welcomed. Michael took us upstairs and introduced to the yoga class that was in session and they all welcomed us like old friends who seemed to be happy we were there. Then we went downstairs and were offered a beautiful meal by the pool over looking the rice fields. About 5 women were cooking in the kitchen and everything was fresh.

Scott, Michaels friend sat across from me. He is a recent cancer survivor so he and I had an immediate connection and began to chat. Scott too has had numerous treatments, and is sort of at a cross roads in the cancer journey. I could have spent hours talking to him. He is an interesting guy who spent years working for Lance Armstrong, living through his cancer journey and success’ and disappointments only to have his own battle to face. Ironic and strange. I think we both kind of ‘got’ how you’d never think this could happen to you and how when you are faced with it you are also faced with the big fat question of “now what?”

Life after cancer has so many question marks no matter who you are.

So, as Scott and I talked about the heavy stuff, Micheal and Brody were all about fun.
They went out to the rice fields and MF taught Brody how to cut rice, with a very sharp knife apparently. Brody posed the question “Do you ever wonder who would have thought to eat this plant? To do all this work to get one little grain of food?”

Apparently MF replied “All the time..” and they were instantly connected.

They were gone for about 1/2 hour and when they came back they were covered in sweat and jumped in the pool together. They swam, and laughed and we ate and visited around the table with the rest of the yogi’s on the retreat.
Then Michael pulled out his guitar and he and Brody sang a quieter more personal version of Sound of Sunshine.

Again- I cried.

It was a perfect day and an incredible experience. Brody beamed as we rode home on the back of some local mopeds.

Michael is a great guy. He really is, but what struck me most about him was his lack of knowing what a great guy he is.

I am sure many people tell him but he doesn’t let it faze him.
He is the kind of person that gets the opportunity to lift so many people up, has a huge message to share with the world, but doesn’t have a big ego.

Inspiring.

He is not a preacher. He is not the kind of person that gives you the feeling he thinks he knows more than you do (even though he obviously does).

He is as interested and engaged with who is in front of him as much as the people who are in front of him are engaged in him.

And in so many ways he made me think of my Loggie.
Just like her, he is just of living the life he has been given (which has been full of his own challenges) in the best way possible. Through the ups and the downs, his soul truly shines. It comes out in his music but it also comes out in his generous and gracious personality.

I also like that he does’t seem to take any of his blessings for granted. He’s all about appreciation, giving back, and using his amazing platform to create more of what he wants and what is good for others.

We walked into Soulshine nervous and awkward and we walked away from Soulshine different and better. Immediately, I could tell Brody had changed.

In these few days in Bali we both have changed and it is so good.

Since our day with MF , we have continued to chat about what was said at the yoga retreat and what advice Michael shared with us. We have talked about how we feel and the incredible string of coincidences and synchronicity that led us to this experience and how these are the moments when you know life is working in perfect harmony.

We are still in awe and although I am babbling here, there are really no words for what happened.

Just a knowing that from this point forward anything is possible.

Life is brutal at times but it is also super rad and it is our responsibility to make the good in life happen for ourself and others instead of letting the circumstances of the shitty parts control us.

I hope in 2016 you let your Soul Shine.

Thank you Michael Frantic for showing us how.

Last stop-Koh Samui…I mean Bali.

Boat off the coast of Koh Samu

Today is day 4 on the island of Koh Samui and I really don’t have much to tell you about this island.
The truth is we haven’t ventured out much from the totally isolated pool at our resort. Apparently the hotel is at full capacity yet for some unknown reason not one person frequents the pool we choose to sit at each day, which to be honest, is kind of awesome and totally weird all at the same time. Jared says that he feels like we are at our own summer home.

One with fresh towels and bar service- I wish.

We are staying at the Sheraton Koh Samui. It is everything you would expect from a Sheraton, clean, nice, good location and expensive as hell. If it weren’t for points we would never choose this resort for the sheer fact of how pricey things are. Breakfast each day for the 5 of us costs two hundred dollars, a couples massage is five hundred. A far cry from our six dollar massages in Cambodia. It pains me to think how little the workers are making and how much money we are we are wasting.

Insane.

We eat off the resort. Mainly at this cool little bar/restaurant owned by an Irish guy with a Thai wife. Apparently they just moved here. Threw the in towel on life and decided to do something totally new. Sean Og’s- is the name of the joint and they are doing a great job. Food is really good and cheap. They even made us a full Christmas dinner, brussel sprouts and all. We also found a great massage parlor down the street to indulge in- 9 dollars and no happy ending included.

The room is beautiful and it was free. Well, sort of, it is from Jared’s year of travel and our credit card charges so even though the amenities at the resort are expensive, being here is a good deal and we are enjoying it.

I always thought I was a hotel snob, but the more I travel the more I am starting to realize that all I appreciate is value. A nice property at a fair price, that is clean and has good food, cold beer and a pool is fine by me.
Finding a gem for a good price means more money to experience the fun things we want to do on our trips. It also usually means meeting cool people. Not to generalize but fancy hotels sometimes constitute snobby, pampered, entitled people.
The kind I am trying very hard to distance myself from.

Winding down has been nice. I am not sure the kids feel the same as I do but this feels like vacation. Reading, swimming, sunning, eating, drinking sleeping. Repeat. The beaches in Koh Samui are not great right now. There is large waves and sadly oil on the beaches from a recent spill. So our days are spent around the pool which is great. We are all totally relaxed.

Swimming with a sore finger after playing football in the pool

Rough waters in Koh Samui and this is what washed up on the beach. Makes me sad. We have to clean up our oceans.

At home our life feels crazy- all the time.
There just doesn’t seem time for relaxing like this.
Jared is in sales and is always stressed about making quotas. There is always a new month, a new quarter, a new year. Brody’s lacrosse schedule seems to dominate our calendar most weekends and helping Logan get through school, getting her to and from medical appointments, support groups, and managing medications seems overwhelming. There is just not enough down time so I’m soaking it all in.

It is amazing when I reflect on our life back in the ‘real world’ and how we are so anxious about everything we need to do. Pick up meds, order meds, email the doctor about meds, fill out disability forms, appeal disability decisions. Get audited, (there is no way in a country such as Canada that meds cost so much right?). Stress about money, hire a tutor, get a support worker, learn new software to help Logan learn. Meet with teachers, submit assignments, find places to volunteer. Drive.
Shit Lacrosse. What? Jared is away. Cyber school. No groceries. We need meds.
Ugh Didn’t we just get meds?

At home, life is overwhelming and I wonder why? I wonder how the pressure and stress of our reality can seem so different here than it does at home.

Maybe it is the just the Chang beer at noon?

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining because I know our life is awesome. I know how lucky we are and I am grateful and positive but as awesome as our life is, there is one big white elephant in the room hanging over us and underneath the surface, we are frayed, frazzled, tired and broken from 10 years of cancer life and the small amounts of everyday stress compounds and sometimes then cancer, that is really only one part of our life, dominates it. It is what I despise most about this disease.

That is why we escape. We run away from our problems, we regroup and recharge. We put ourselves in precarious situations just so we can figure out the way and somehow we feel stronger and more connected, empowered and stronger when we return.

Traveling makes cancer a distant memory. It is like it happened in another life. It is like we hit the pause button and we get to be normal. We pretend that about our life is normal. No expectation, no reality, no worry, no schedule. No one knows- unless we tell them.
So there is just happy hour, and happy days, and filling the medication trays once a week. Even headaches and pain seems easier to manage.

Best Asian travel crew ever!

That or maybe it is the freedom to be blissfully tipsy- either way I love it.

I have always said that you can run away from your problems and I truly believe you should. Every chance you get.
Vacation, means to vacate- to check out- It is what we do.
We run.
We usually do it at Christmas, yes, because Christmas is hard. We are part of a normal family which means we all don’t get along and it makes the holidays upsetting. That is not what the holidays are supposed to be about.
We also don’t like all the obligation, the guilt, all the spending on more stuff we don’t need. There is a stress that comes along holidays and when it is over I find myself searching for what it was really all about and it is never found under the tree or by binging on copious amounts of turkey.

For a type A person like myself, Christmas is the worst time of the year. I can’t do anything half ass so if I stay home, the holidays are completely over the top and I in the end I am a total mess, depleted and disappointed and run down.
Vacation is a better plan- for us all.
Happy hour, happy days. It is not less expensive but the money is spent on experience instead of stuff. When we come home and we feel connected and ready to face the New Year. It works.

I get that it is my own stuff.
For some of you, you love the holidays. You love the traditions and all that comes along with the season and I think that is great, I admire it.
For our family it’s just a different can of worms. One day it may change, the kids might not want to come with us. We might crave turkey instead of tacos or pad thai and we might want to hunker down at home reading silent night. I am open to that.

But for now, the end of the year means going away, with my people. It means reflecting and basking in all the glory that vacation brings. It means ending the year with peaceful happiness and tropical sun.

I know this blog is deep, and you might be barfing by now but it brings me to my next point.
I know I need to find a better way of bringing this feeling of balance into my life back at home in my everyday life by not having running half way around the world to find it.

So, I think the best way to find is by not coming home yet.

Saying thank you and goodbye to the best husband ever.

I am not ready and I need to honor that.

I am on a quest to start this new year in a different way and I think my answers lie in Bali.

I know what you are thinking- “How Eat Pray Love of you…” And I guess it kind of is cliche but I truly do want to find ways to better manage my anxiety.
I have so much grief, fear and guilt buried down inside of me. Totally useless emotions that are so nagging. I need to put them in their place. I just don’t know how.

There is so much that I haven’t talked about in this blog and it stuff most would never understand. Somehow it doesn’t even feel right uttering my thoughts, but being truthful is a New Years resolution I plan to keep to myself.
There is a huge ‘cost to the cure’ as I call it and I have yet to learn to accept the reality of Logan’s stable yet forever brain tumor circumstances.

So why Bali? Well mostly because there is this thing called Soulshine that is calling my soul and it is decided that Brody and I will go. The idea of the two of us came from Jared. Brody has been my son for 11 years and we have never done anything alone together just the two of us.
Jared also thinks I could use someone to reign me in a bit and he is probably right.
So, Brody and I have registered for classes to learn meditation, breathe, relax, and do yoga. We are also going to Rock out to Micheal Franti. We are going to stay in a beautiful hotel and see monkeys and ride bikes in the rice fields -or at least that is the plan.
We are going to spend time together, and in that time we are going to learn a few new techniques to help us take better care of ourselves and each other in the new year.

I really wish we could all go, but the reality is, we don’t have enough meds, enough time or enough money. Reality sucks, and I hope this retreat offers up suggestions on how to change our current reality as well.

Jared has to go back to work, Logan has to start back at college.

To let them go back to Vancouver without me is so outside of my control freak character.
I manage everything about Logan’s life, but I know I need to do this for myself.

Even saying these words out loud feels wrong but after 10 years of caring for my child with cancer I can feel the fragile parts of me starting to unravel.

I can feel the brokenness and exhaustion getting the best of my emotions and it is happening more than I want it too. I need a new perspective.

I think Bali might give me one.

Am scared shitless to do this?
Hell yes.
To travel alone with Brody, to leave my family at the airport, navigate a new country, a new currency, meet new people and be all touchy feely ( and sober ha ha) is something I’ve never done.
It is totally outside of my comfort zone. Most who know me would say I am an extrovert. It is true, but I am also an introvert and I fear meeting new people and putting myself in unknown situations but I know I must.

This will be quite something. I still can’t believe I am actually going to do it- but I am- so wish me and Brody luck.

Here’s to hoping this will be all I hope it is.

Bali here we come!