Last stop-Koh Samui…I mean Bali.

Boat off the coast of Koh Samu

Today is day 4 on the island of Koh Samui and I really don’t have much to tell you about this island.
The truth is we haven’t ventured out much from the totally isolated pool at our resort. Apparently the hotel is at full capacity yet for some unknown reason not one person frequents the pool we choose to sit at each day, which to be honest, is kind of awesome and totally weird all at the same time. Jared says that he feels like we are at our own summer home.

One with fresh towels and bar service- I wish.

We are staying at the Sheraton Koh Samui. It is everything you would expect from a Sheraton, clean, nice, good location and expensive as hell. If it weren’t for points we would never choose this resort for the sheer fact of how pricey things are. Breakfast each day for the 5 of us costs two hundred dollars, a couples massage is five hundred. A far cry from our six dollar massages in Cambodia. It pains me to think how little the workers are making and how much money we are we are wasting.

Insane.

We eat off the resort. Mainly at this cool little bar/restaurant owned by an Irish guy with a Thai wife. Apparently they just moved here. Threw the in towel on life and decided to do something totally new. Sean Og’s- is the name of the joint and they are doing a great job. Food is really good and cheap. They even made us a full Christmas dinner, brussel sprouts and all. We also found a great massage parlor down the street to indulge in- 9 dollars and no happy ending included.

The room is beautiful and it was free. Well, sort of, it is from Jared’s year of travel and our credit card charges so even though the amenities at the resort are expensive, being here is a good deal and we are enjoying it.

I always thought I was a hotel snob, but the more I travel the more I am starting to realize that all I appreciate is value. A nice property at a fair price, that is clean and has good food, cold beer and a pool is fine by me.
Finding a gem for a good price means more money to experience the fun things we want to do on our trips. It also usually means meeting cool people. Not to generalize but fancy hotels sometimes constitute snobby, pampered, entitled people.
The kind I am trying very hard to distance myself from.

Winding down has been nice. I am not sure the kids feel the same as I do but this feels like vacation. Reading, swimming, sunning, eating, drinking sleeping. Repeat. The beaches in Koh Samui are not great right now. There is large waves and sadly oil on the beaches from a recent spill. So our days are spent around the pool which is great. We are all totally relaxed.

Swimming with a sore finger after playing football in the pool

Rough waters in Koh Samui and this is what washed up on the beach. Makes me sad. We have to clean up our oceans.

At home our life feels crazy- all the time.
There just doesn’t seem time for relaxing like this.
Jared is in sales and is always stressed about making quotas. There is always a new month, a new quarter, a new year. Brody’s lacrosse schedule seems to dominate our calendar most weekends and helping Logan get through school, getting her to and from medical appointments, support groups, and managing medications seems overwhelming. There is just not enough down time so I’m soaking it all in.

It is amazing when I reflect on our life back in the ‘real world’ and how we are so anxious about everything we need to do. Pick up meds, order meds, email the doctor about meds, fill out disability forms, appeal disability decisions. Get audited, (there is no way in a country such as Canada that meds cost so much right?). Stress about money, hire a tutor, get a support worker, learn new software to help Logan learn. Meet with teachers, submit assignments, find places to volunteer. Drive.
Shit Lacrosse. What? Jared is away. Cyber school. No groceries. We need meds.
Ugh Didn’t we just get meds?

At home, life is overwhelming and I wonder why? I wonder how the pressure and stress of our reality can seem so different here than it does at home.

Maybe it is the just the Chang beer at noon?

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining because I know our life is awesome. I know how lucky we are and I am grateful and positive but as awesome as our life is, there is one big white elephant in the room hanging over us and underneath the surface, we are frayed, frazzled, tired and broken from 10 years of cancer life and the small amounts of everyday stress compounds and sometimes then cancer, that is really only one part of our life, dominates it. It is what I despise most about this disease.

That is why we escape. We run away from our problems, we regroup and recharge. We put ourselves in precarious situations just so we can figure out the way and somehow we feel stronger and more connected, empowered and stronger when we return.

Traveling makes cancer a distant memory. It is like it happened in another life. It is like we hit the pause button and we get to be normal. We pretend that about our life is normal. No expectation, no reality, no worry, no schedule. No one knows- unless we tell them.
So there is just happy hour, and happy days, and filling the medication trays once a week. Even headaches and pain seems easier to manage.

Best Asian travel crew ever!

That or maybe it is the freedom to be blissfully tipsy- either way I love it.

I have always said that you can run away from your problems and I truly believe you should. Every chance you get.
Vacation, means to vacate- to check out- It is what we do.
We run.
We usually do it at Christmas, yes, because Christmas is hard. We are part of a normal family which means we all don’t get along and it makes the holidays upsetting. That is not what the holidays are supposed to be about.
We also don’t like all the obligation, the guilt, all the spending on more stuff we don’t need. There is a stress that comes along holidays and when it is over I find myself searching for what it was really all about and it is never found under the tree or by binging on copious amounts of turkey.

For a type A person like myself, Christmas is the worst time of the year. I can’t do anything half ass so if I stay home, the holidays are completely over the top and I in the end I am a total mess, depleted and disappointed and run down.
Vacation is a better plan- for us all.
Happy hour, happy days. It is not less expensive but the money is spent on experience instead of stuff. When we come home and we feel connected and ready to face the New Year. It works.

I get that it is my own stuff.
For some of you, you love the holidays. You love the traditions and all that comes along with the season and I think that is great, I admire it.
For our family it’s just a different can of worms. One day it may change, the kids might not want to come with us. We might crave turkey instead of tacos or pad thai and we might want to hunker down at home reading silent night. I am open to that.

But for now, the end of the year means going away, with my people. It means reflecting and basking in all the glory that vacation brings. It means ending the year with peaceful happiness and tropical sun.

I know this blog is deep, and you might be barfing by now but it brings me to my next point.
I know I need to find a better way of bringing this feeling of balance into my life back at home in my everyday life by not having running half way around the world to find it.

So, I think the best way to find is by not coming home yet.

Saying thank you and goodbye to the best husband ever.

I am not ready and I need to honor that.

I am on a quest to start this new year in a different way and I think my answers lie in Bali.

I know what you are thinking- “How Eat Pray Love of you…” And I guess it kind of is cliche but I truly do want to find ways to better manage my anxiety.
I have so much grief, fear and guilt buried down inside of me. Totally useless emotions that are so nagging. I need to put them in their place. I just don’t know how.

There is so much that I haven’t talked about in this blog and it stuff most would never understand. Somehow it doesn’t even feel right uttering my thoughts, but being truthful is a New Years resolution I plan to keep to myself.
There is a huge ‘cost to the cure’ as I call it and I have yet to learn to accept the reality of Logan’s stable yet forever brain tumor circumstances.

So why Bali? Well mostly because there is this thing called Soulshine that is calling my soul and it is decided that Brody and I will go. The idea of the two of us came from Jared. Brody has been my son for 11 years and we have never done anything alone together just the two of us.
Jared also thinks I could use someone to reign me in a bit and he is probably right.
So, Brody and I have registered for classes to learn meditation, breathe, relax, and do yoga. We are also going to Rock out to Micheal Franti. We are going to stay in a beautiful hotel and see monkeys and ride bikes in the rice fields -or at least that is the plan.
We are going to spend time together, and in that time we are going to learn a few new techniques to help us take better care of ourselves and each other in the new year.

I really wish we could all go, but the reality is, we don’t have enough meds, enough time or enough money. Reality sucks, and I hope this retreat offers up suggestions on how to change our current reality as well.

Jared has to go back to work, Logan has to start back at college.

To let them go back to Vancouver without me is so outside of my control freak character.
I manage everything about Logan’s life, but I know I need to do this for myself.

Even saying these words out loud feels wrong but after 10 years of caring for my child with cancer I can feel the fragile parts of me starting to unravel.

I can feel the brokenness and exhaustion getting the best of my emotions and it is happening more than I want it too. I need a new perspective.

I think Bali might give me one.

Am scared shitless to do this?
Hell yes.
To travel alone with Brody, to leave my family at the airport, navigate a new country, a new currency, meet new people and be all touchy feely ( and sober ha ha) is something I’ve never done.
It is totally outside of my comfort zone. Most who know me would say I am an extrovert. It is true, but I am also an introvert and I fear meeting new people and putting myself in unknown situations but I know I must.

This will be quite something. I still can’t believe I am actually going to do it- but I am- so wish me and Brody luck.

Here’s to hoping this will be all I hope it is.

Bali here we come!