I officially leave for India in two weeks today and already I feel like I have been on the trip of a life time~

It has been quite the ride.

This opportunity of going across the world to volunteer in a third world country sort of came out of nowhere, but, since jumping on board with the intention of making it happen, really amazing things have occurred and everything is falling perfectly into place. Go figure.

First off, because of all of you, I raised all of the money I needed to go- in less than two weeks I might add.  It is both mind blowing and amazing to me.

To try and write down the proper words to articulate the deep gratitude I feel about this seems impossible. You will honestly never know how much this means to me. It is not just dollars donated, it is also the kind words written and this ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunity you have given me that has filled my heart and fed my soul. Thank you so VERY much from every piece of my broken self for all you have shared. I am in awe.

For me, asking for the financial support was really, really a hard part of this journey. I feared the judgement and my inside voice immediately started telling me all the reasons why I couldn’t ask, or shouldn’t ask, or even expect, for that matter, that people would want to invest in me in this way.

I could hear the naysayers….

“Who does she think she is, I mean god she just got back from a huge trip in Asia and now she wants us to pay for another ‘holiday’ for her?”

“This is crazy, I mean maybe she should get a job and pay for this trip herself if she wants to go away and do something like this?”

“I mean really, if you want to help people, help people here, you don’t need to go all the way to India if you all you truly want to do is give back.”

“Why should she get to go? She has been so many places, someone who hasn’t been as fortunate as her should get this chance… give it to someone else”

“What about taking care of your own kids? Jared is the one that has to work, it doesn’t seem fair to put everything on him…”

All the reasons why this couldn’t happen for me filled my mind and tormented my heart.

It was my first hurdle to get through and my first lesson in this amazing program.

Terri, the amazing founder of  A Fresh Chapter Foundation walked me through my feelings and helped me understand  the vulnerability surfacing in my emotions. She told me to trust that this opportunity had presented itself for a reason and that the only thing that truly mattered was if  the decision to accept it came from me or not.

She said it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or didn’t think, that once I found the answer within myself, whatever it was, the universe would show up to support it. Bang!

She also told me that I was running out time and needed to get my shit together. This very deep and personal answer needed to surface rather quickly.

She had a spot to fill.

She encouraged me to give myself two days of contemplating. One day feeling (and not thinking) what it would be like if I decided to accept the possibility of going to India, and the second day feeling what it would be like if I decided now was not the right time for me. She said to let go of attachment to the answer and during the days of contemplation-to just feel.

Easier said than done- my mind swirled trying to think through the process.

At the end of the two days, I think I was supposed to have an epiphany and know exactly what to do, call her and let her know my new profound decision.

We spoke on a Wednesday.

FIVE (not 2) days later, FOUR sleepless nights and countless phone calls to my most valued friends and family, left me feeling even more so like I didn’t know what the hell the right thing was to do. It was now Monday.

I am a Libra. I can’t make a major life decision like this in TWO flipping years let alone TWO flipping days.

I convinced myself that Terri had picked the wrong kind of girl and I couldn’t go.

Plus, what if I said I would go and then I put up the fundraising page and no one sponsored me? I wasn’t sure my heart or my ego could take that kind of beating- Did I even want to know?

If that happened it would mean being on the hook for over 5000.00. Not that at other times in my life I wouldn’t have jumped at it, but financially now was not the time for selfishness.

I did just get back from Asia, and of course, as luck would have it, our final audit bill showed up on the same day I was presented with the idea of this trip. My only option if I was going to try and go, was to fundraise and help off set the costs, which meant putting myself out there in a really uncomfortable way.

Who the hell was I kidding?

Insert negative self talk “If I have time to plan a volunteer trip to give back in India, join an odyssey program and spend the next 6 months pondering my own purpose and self worth, than I have time to figure out a way to do something tangible like paying off this f’ing debt.”

Screw it- I decided I wasn’t going.

The naysayers were right and they didn’t even need to say one thing to me. I was already telling myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t do this.

Amazing how we are always our worst enemy….

Anyhow- we all know how that ended.

In true Libra fashion, I couldn’t let the idea of this trip go.

Not going to India didn’t seem to sit quite right with me. I thought about all that happened in Bali, I thought about the resolutions I wrote down staring right at me on the paper in front of my face.

“Work on being more open, Try new things, get out my comfort zone, Truth- live it more often, find more passion, do something I love that gives back to others”

Lesson in accountability- if you don’t want to be held to it- don’t write that shit down!

“Maybe I should go?…” I said to Jared for the seven thousandth time late Monday night, 3 days past my deadline.

“Yes, honey, maybe you should.” he said exhausted.

“But what about you, is this wrong to put on you?” I was just looking for encouragement.

But instead of stroking my ego one more time he sneered at me completely annoyed.

“You know what is really irritating about you- Jenny?”

Jared never talks to me like that

“What?” I said shocked at the revelation that ‘I’ could actually be irritating.

“Yes, YOU- you are so irritating when you say that you want certain things in your life, and then when things start happening and you question them. I mean fuck- here I am wanting to make some serious life changes and nothing is coming easily for me. You on the other hand have something right in front of you, offering itself right up on a silver platter, something that might actually change your entire life, and you are being all whiny and like ‘I don’t know, should I?’  Yes, Jenny you are really being irritating and bugging me.”

Silence- one last glance and he stormed off really quite torqued at me.

Sheepishly, I took my glass of wine and moved into living room, clearly there was no point in discussing this anymore with him. He was clear; I needed to make up my own mind. He was done trying to help me.

I sat down a bit rattled, knowing I needed to make a decision and I did what I always do when I am lost and need an answer. I wrote down my thoughts.

“What do I truly want in my life and how can this experience help shape me?”

Two words came to my mind right away,

HAPPY

AND

HUMBLE. (asking for donations- right?)

Period.

I mean not really period. Because those of you who know me, know there is rarely a period in my conversations, even with myself, but, there was a surprisingly long pause as I typed the below email.

Hi Terri
Ok.
I am in.
Gulp.
Maybe we can start the process of getting my fundraising page, my registration and whatever else I need to get started, tomorrow at some point?
Gulp
By then, I think this nervous, excited knot in my stomach might be a little more settled and I’ll be a bit more ready to focus on what I really need to do to make this happen from the financial perspective. The rest of the logistics, I have beaten to death. There are no other obstacles in my way, I have the support from friends and family to help out, so time wise and everything else wise,  I can go.
Gulp.
Scary and awesome.
And did I mention
Scary…..
Cheers,
Jen

BINGO- Just like that, I was going to India.
She didn’t hesitate or wait until the next day. I got the “Welcome to the tribe email” a few hours later and the rest is history in the making. Literally.

Sooooo much has happened in the last three weeks.

I raised all the money I needed to go. No naysayers (at least not to my face) no hesitation. In two weeks (to the day)- boom the cash was in hand to be paid in gratitude to the foundation; I was fully supported, imagine that?

I received a zillion kind, loving, honest, heartfelt and super courage-boosting   messages- all of which I know I need with me so I copied and pasted them into the journal I am taking to India.

Yes I started a journal, messy and handwritten, all my own words, with my own scribbly thoughts. The book is a gift from Logan. It is perfect, and imperfect all at the same time and I love it.

I have read two new books in two weeks and four new blogs. I  have applied for an Indian Visa, and I booked my long and totally brutal flight to Delhi via Calgary and Frankfurt….and then back to Seattle, ugh…..

Basically, I got committed- fully- and I got a typhoid shot.

And then I broke the ice- via cyber space and got acquainted with my fellow tribe members.

What I know is I already have one friend who is also from right here in Vancouver, and one friend from NYC who named her favorite food as wine- and added pizza. I plan to visit her after this is over.

Without knowing, one of Jared’s clients booked the same flight as me to Delhi so I now know I have someone to drink wine with on the way there (dry camp in Delhi). I also don’t have to worry so much about being alone when I arrive in a foreign country, so that feels good.

I have an Indian friend who is sending me weekly emails with videos and information about everything cultural in India. He’s giving me contact info of friends who live there and personal hygiene tips- Thanks Andy.

Everything seems to be falling into place. In fact, so much so, that when I went to get a hair cut last night at a brand new salon and my hairdresser told me that the only place she has ever traveled to is on a volunteer trip to India,

I just smiled inside and said “Of course you have, please share.”

I have learned so much already, and NOW I feel like this was the perfect decision for me at this time in my life.

Having said that, Terri did tell me that I was going to have a total nervous breakdown the Tuesday after I arrive at my volunteer placement. Apparently, I am going to tell her how much I hate her for doing this to me, and how much I want to go home. Little does she know it is probably going to be because of the ‘no wine’ policy and not the poverty or hard work of volunteering.

The hard work I am actually looking forward to. Without being all Oprah Winfrey again on you, I could use some ‘Ah ha’ moments in my life- The few that have already started to flow have brought awareness of what is to come and I am excited to soak it all in.

First ‘ah ha’ I am stunned at is how I  thought that I had such a big decision to make, and how I was soooooo torn about what to do.

Things are pretty stable for us right now with Logan’s health. Its not all perfect and easy but stable none the less- the best it has been in 10 years. Jared works from home so he can easily help with the kids for a short time. Brody will be on spring break and friends and family are stepping up like wild fire- my family will not starve. The money, yes- it manifested quickly and easily. I know I have been given the universal green light to do this.

Terri was right all along. She knew how this works. Obviously not her first spiritual rodeo.

Some of the people in the group don’t have it as easy as I do and it has been an awakening to ponder others circumstances. I need to spend less time in the drama of my life.

One beautiful lady who is part of our tribe disclosed that she is now deemed terminal and although it was a tough choice to make, she decided that it was important to her that the son’s she is leaving behind know that she chose to give of herself when she had almost nothing left. She wants them to remember her and her legacy as someone who gave selflessly of herself whenever she could.

Holy shit.

Another girl recently relapsed in December and is coming on this trip just as she is starting a new treatment.Weakened immune system, but strong spirit.

A fellow participant shared that she was diagnosed with cancer, at the same time as her husband and her best friend (who sadly passed away). To top it off  had just had a baby and had a young toddler to care for while going through all the hellish shit that comes with treatment for cancer. She is a stand up comedian and has still found ways to smile and make other people laugh.

Fuck me-

So, NOW instead of now feeling like I was chosen to do this trip like some sort of bloody hero, I am now thinking “Why me? I am so not worthy….”

And this is where the ‘real’ hard work begins.

I am expanding. Listening, opening, reflecting.

There is no going back.

I get it. I can see it. I can feel it all happening.

And

To be completely honest it scares the shit right out of me, because I already know, change, is  100% inevitable.

T-14 days and counting.