I imagine as people get older almost everyone wishes they could turn back time.
Tonight, on the eve of turning 40 as I sit here with my glass of wine and the latest iPhone scribbling down my thoughts, I can’t help but wonder about every single decision I’ve ever made and how I’ve ended up here.

In this moment, with all these damn thoughts.

I’d be lying if I said turning 40 was easy.

The truth is I am not ready.

Not in a shallow, ‘I need more botox or a better bikini body’ kind of way, but more in a ‘I want a do over’ way.

I do want a ‘do over’.

It seems like yesterday (but it was 20 years ago) I was the age of my oldest child.
I thought I knew everything.

I thought I was ready and I thought I could handle being an adult.

The truth is, I didn’t really know what being an adult even was.

Yes, I was ready.
Ready to take on the world. Ready to parent a child on my own (for a while), Ready to move to the big city, work my way up the career ladder and the food chain.

I was ready to balance budgets and cheque books, ready to get married, buy a home, and start a family.

I could handle PTA meetings, early morning conference calls, and late night parties.

I finally didn’t have to ask anyone for permission and I felt proud about affording the genuine leather shoes.

My twenties were great.

Despite starting out as a teenage mother I knew I wasn’t going to let myself become the typical small town stereotype. Not that I truly buy into any of that crap but I did work hard, I achieved what I set out to do and I felt confident my thirties were going to be amazing and over the top.

Then at 29- my kid got cancer.

But, that was just an obstacle. I had no intention of letting it stop me or hurt my family in any way.
I was totally in control. Like an adult, right?

Cancer was just another challenge and I was up for any challenge.

My kid would be the one who beat cancer.

It would only make all of us stronger. I would continue to work and we would continue to build our future. Cancer would simply be the vessel that taught us valuable life lessons and in the end we’d be better and stronger because of it.

We’d give back.
These important life lessons wouldn’t ever be lost on us.
We’d speak out for high profile organizations and raise awareness. We’d pay our dues- and pay it forward and would be grateful for our good fortune as survivors.

And then, when it was all said and done and we put cancer behind us and we’d move on.

More evolved, happier, more focused and more connected with ourselves and each other.

The problem is my thirties didn’t really go that way.
Instead, they slowly spiralled in the complete opposite direction.

We didn’t beat cancer during this decade. We fought it. Tooth and nail.

We spent nearly seven and a half years in treatment at BC Children’s Hospital and we struggled. Log got sicker and then she got better. The side effects of treatment were unexpected and they took their toll on all of us.

My heart shattered into a million pieces for my daughter.
I lost my job. We remortgaged our house (instead of paying it off as planned) and somewhere in it all I gave up thinking of the way things ‘should’ have been and forgot about moving on and instead just tried to inch forward.

Yes, my thirties have been some of the best and worst days of my life

On one hand I am so proud of what I have accomplished. I am proud of who I have become and the people around me.

I have realized that time is more important than money, yet it makes me happy to know I can balance both. I am grateful my husband and I have had the same goals. Together we have been able to grow (two steps forward, one step back) as a couple and as individuals, take crazy risks, have fun, laugh and not kill each other in the process.

I am happy to have traveled the world with my kids. It truly has been my life’s greatest gift. Had life been ‘status quo’ I know we would have never ventured out, spent our retirement fund, or had these experiences and I wouldn’t  give back one second we’ve shared together in any third world country for all the money I could have had.

I am grateful for the strength I have seen in so many around me over the years and I am also grateful for the strength I have found within myself.

My thirties have been a filter.

I am pretty sure I have far less people who like me, it’s been excruciatingly hard to come to terms with all that has changed over this decade, but I just can’t dwell on it or torment myself over any of it anymore.
The people I do have (a hodgepodge of sorts) are genuine and dependable and each teach me something different and valuable about life and about myself. I am grateful for that.

Today, I don’t take friendships for granted and I’ve learned to say I love you with out feeling weird.
I have learned who I can count on and who I can’t. I have learned how to ask for help. (Ok- 😜 at least I have started- kind of)

I have a sense self worth and confidence I didn’t have in my twenties.
I also have a higher tolerance to alcohol and I drink better wine, so my thirties weren’t all bad.

They brought forth authenticity.

It was a decade that connected me and tore me apart all at the same time.

It was a time that helped me finally work up the courage to face some brutally raw emotions buried deep down inside for far too long.

My thirties have been extreme in contradiction.

My inside voice is almost always on repeat.

“You’ve got this Jenny!!!!”

And then in the next breath I hear myself whispering…

“You’re totally fucked!!!”

And so it goes.

The days have been long and the years have been short.

My ‘baby’ is now the age I was when I had her. My second baby will be a teenager soon. I’ve been with my partner for almost half of my entire adult life and I now feel like when I when talk about home it isn’t any longer the town I grew up in.

I have changed.

And although I may not be ready for forty,
here it is.

I assume it is ready for me.

In some ways, I feel like I’ve lived so much longer than a mere four decades and yet I still long to hit the reset button. I have so much more to learn.

I want to re-evaluate this ‘adult thing’ and actually listen to the people who tried to give me solid concrete details on what it all entails.
I want to go back and make an informed decision about whether or not I could actually do this or not.

But wait- No one does that right?

No one has any idea about all of this grown up stuff, do they?

I think most of us just pretend or at least I hope so because it is the last day of my 30’s and I still don’t have a fucking clue.

I haven’t beaten cancer, I haven’t saved my child’s life, or moved on (or even forward sometimes). I don’t have a job and I am no
longer even sure of what I want to do when I ‘grow up’.
I feel like it has all gone too fast.

Life has been too harsh on one hand and then far too gracious to me on another.

I fear yet anticipate what is about to come my way and even though I am second guessing my ability, forty now feels like I am ‘all in’.

All in- with no road map and a life that is all over the map.
I have no plan, and no idea where I am headed. Just a shit load of hope that won’t burn out, a super rad cheering section that keeps on chanting, a half stocked wine cellar, a kick ass shrink (who just raised her rates), and a pre-approved line of credit.

I mean, how bad can it really be?