It was bound to happen….
The crash.
I could feel it coming on, festering just below the surface.
Anxiety is like that.
Choking.
Smothering.
Pressing.
You swallow it down, trying to avoid it. Thinking if you treat it like a spoiled child and don’t give it any attention sooner or later it will stop being so disruptive, right?
Then, one day you find yourself in your therapists office unexpectedly gasping for air.
Puking.
Bawling.
Collapsing.
Shaking.
Crumpled up on her sofa, uncontrollable.
Where did this come from?
You try to make sense of what is really happening…
Is this what the result of denial feels like?
I thought Mexico might help stop the meltdown from coming. I felt emotional and shaky for weeks…
Maybe, I was just over tired and needed some sunshine. Maybe all I needed was to get away, run away from reality and have a change of scenery and a few margaritas?
No matter how bad things are, they are always better in Mexico….right? (Yes they are 😉☀️)
But the thing is, Mexico is only temporary.
Mexico isn’t reality, and coming home after escaping reality for a few days has made the return to the norm exceptionally tough.
It is MRI week, so that doesn’t help.
Ugh.
The first MRI since Logan’s relapse and I’ve got scanxiety like I’ve never had it before. It feels like EVERYTHING, her whole life and our whole world is riding on the pictures we are about to see.
Is the chemo helping? Will we have to change course? Is there a back up plan?
Will there be an improvement?
I don’t know-
And thinking about it all, trying not to get too far ahead, and keep my emotions in check, is so incredibly fucking hard.
I want to scream. I want to beg, I want to run yet I feel paralyzed inside- out of control, yet motionless and helpless.
It is out of my hands and it will be what it will be. I know in theory I have to accept what ‘is’ but inside I am fighting it- all of it.
This can’t be the truth…Our life? It’s not possible…I hate this.
I want us to have freedom from cancer but I’m scared to ask for freedom incase what we get is not the freedom I long for.
I don’t know what to wish for.
What to ask for?
How to be ok?
Pictures don’t do justice for how Log is really doing each day.
She looks amazing in photos and has this incredible ability to light up the camera but a picture is just a moment in time.
There have been improvements, I think?
I seem to ask everyone what they think too.
The answer is always iffy. Maybe in some ways she is better? But maybe just doesn’t seem good enough…
Overall, I know.
She is just so tired-
All the time.
95% of all her nutrition and fluids are still going through the tube- she’s still not eating or drinking anywhere near enough to sustain herself and when we check her blood pressure because she’s complaining of symptoms, the numbers we see are terrifying.
There are times when I hear her gasp for air or I see her shaky little hand having difficulty opening something, or she’s off balance, or slurs her words and I feel sheer terror because I know some of her symptoms are indeed worse.
I feel the panic- the restlessness- my mouth feels dry, my heart skips a beat. I am jittery and I can feel it creeping in to me.
The fear.
I try my best to pull myself together and avoid the complete spiral off the deep end.
Thank god I still have the strength to control that.
I clean.
I organize
And I try to keep busy, making plans, making food, making a mess so I can clean it up.
Moving, for me is imperative.
When I stop there is only time for thinking….
and thinking is just too hard.
I tell myself-
“Don’t go there.
The chemo is working.
What you are seeing is inflammation from the destruction of tumour. The symptoms would be the same….
Don’t go there, Jenny….
It’s too scary….
You can’t afford to fall apart.
Stay strong for Brody, Jared, Logan. Think positive.
Do your best (even if it sucks)
DON’T fall apart. DON’T cry. DON’T start worrying, panicking or letting the bad thoughts in.
They are only thoughts. Not facts.
Wait for the facts.
Make a solid plan-
Keep moving”
And so it goes.
Then, there is the flood of guilt. Such a useless emotion- but it’s also always lurking, right behind the fear, in front of the sadness.
“I wish I was more grateful for the time Logan was stable. Why didn’t I let it all be good enough? Why did I have to feel so angry for the challenges Logan faced over the past few years when I could have just accepted things for what they were?”
The tears flow
“I wish I would have enjoyed those stable years more.
Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. Been so strict- or tried so hard to think that her life could be normal?
I promise if we get another chance I will do better….”
**** And just like that I am forced to pause from writing because Loggie starts puking 😩and I’m pulled back into the moment****
I guess it is a message from the universe-jolting me back.
I get it.
“Stay present, Jenny.
Rub Loggie’s back.
Check the tube.
Call the hospital.
Arrange her meds for the day (add extra anti-nausea)
Get Logan’s pre chemo blood work done.
Check her blood pressure
Do a bolus
Throw in a load of laundry,
Vacuum upstairs
Change the sheets.
Check the order of feed bags that arrived
Clean last nights feed bag
Call special authority about meds not covered. WTF?
Get the wheelchair receipt
Contact benefits
Make sure chemo is ready for pick up.
Eat.
Shave your legs
Breathe.
Breathe deeper.
Keep moving.
Do tangible things.
Stay strong.
Think of something fun to do today.
Don’t fall apart, Jenny-
Under no circumstances can you fall apart.
Keep your shit together.
Find a new tenant for our rental property??(SHIT not this now😩)
Smile.
Remember, people are rooting for your family
They think you got this–believe them damnit!
One more deep breath….”
And so it goes–
Up and down like a yoyo it is a rollercoaster ride.
The reality that every single person/family who lives with cancer knows- every day is different and life, emotion, and your own bloody sanity can truly be all over the map.
MRI and round 3 of chemo starts tomorrow.
2017 is only 17 days in and it already feels like it has been a long year.
Can we go back to Mexico now 🇲🇽 🌴☀️🍹?
Oh Jen. My heart breaks for you all. Life is not fair hugs to you 💔
I am pretty sure that this is what “doing it right” looks like. I’m so sorry for all that is impossible that you must somehow do, and grateful for every time you find a way to do it. May you know grace and rest and maybe even some days, from time to time, but probably not that often, peace.
Thanks so much for your kind words and support.
So nice to hear from you!!
Much Love❤️
I can’t imagine what you go thru every single moment of everyday, grasping for air. I hope that you know that somehow this helps many get thru each day. I appreciate your sharing as it must be so hard to share these very tough times with others. May you all find comfort in some way from each other. I have a daughter 19 years old and she was in a serious mva and I could have lost her, she was shattered from the waist down, two broken hips and shattered pelvis, shattered foot, But nothing like Logan’s story, I know how it is to watch her (my daughter) suffer and I would often think of Logan and what she was going thru and you Jenny. That would help me put perspectives on this in my world. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for keeping me going at times.
I hope the angels above keep her safe. Peace and Love to you all <3
Thank you for putting this update on Facebook, I was wondering how things where going, I can only imagine you are going through, I was petrified when the doctors told me my only daughter had ITP a cancer in her blood thank God my prayers were answered by many transfusions and patience( which know very well) everything turned out. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, you are an absolutely incredible MOM, keep your head high, may they angels hug Logan every night for strength
This is Marek’s mum, Amanda. I think of Logan and her family everyday. Logan was so amazing with Marek at RMH. Much love to you all. I so wish that there was a magic wand…….Thank you for your words.
Keep on keeping on…. until you can’t. Then just breathe. Xoxoxoxo
This was so beautifully written Jenny but so heartbreaking. I can’t believe all you do day in and day out. Love to you all!
Hi Jenny
You are such an inspiration to all of us. Moms, wives, moms and friends. Not because you are doing the best you can for your child with cancer… But because you are sharing your thoughts and feelings. Whether they inspire us, encourage us, question us or worry us… They are sincere and real and I command you for that.
Logan is an angel from heaven because all cancer patients are… But you are an angel on earth because you are her mom and don’t you ever forget that. No matter what happens!
Much love
Annick
You are an amazing mother. That’s all I’ve got. Wow.
You are an amazing women and so real. Many of us have done part of the road and it is so healing for the soul to find some one who is able to put it in words. Yes it sucks and not one Mother will tell you it is easy. But yes keep putting one foot for the other and enjoy the good moments Hugs
As I read this tears come to my eyes for the anguish you and your family must feel. I know you find your strength from your amazing network of family and friends. As a mother I ache with you I can feel your pain but I can’t share understanding. Please know I say hopeful words to the universe for your family. And do as you do one day at a time and celebrate all that you can