I started writing this blog three times.

The first time it was about Brody. He deserves a blog and I have so much I want to share about him. It is something that will be written but I’ve had to pause from the words I wanted to say about my boy because Logan’s health has declined and that comes first.

Her decline made me spiral into devastation and worry and turmoil and my second attempt at this blog started by writing about the beginning of the end.

Then, those words were also halted when yesterday she decided to get out of bed, watch the Super Bowl, eat on her own and do some online shopping. Now here I sit again feeling completely uncertain of where my thoughts are, teetering somewhere between hope and fear (as always I suppose).

I am finding it hard to catch my breath these days.

There is this a nagging, constant heaviness and pressure on my chest making it difficult to take even one deep inhale.

I am trying so hard to keep it all together but caring for Logan has become so much more demanding.

Both Jared and I are physically drained from the obvious tasks, but emotionally I feel like the dramatic swings from possibility to devastation are also taking a toll.

Inside of me everything feels so intense, rigid and tight.

I can’t ever seem to relax my shoulders, or release my breath. My jaw feels clenched and I have this constant dull and nagging headache that won’t go away.

My body feels foreign, almost mechanical and robotic, as I move though my day yet everything around me feels flimsy, fragile and about to fall apart.

It takes everything out of me not to lose control, or scream at the top of my lungs and cry. At times I can’t sit still and then just as suddenly, other times I can not move.

I am paralyzed and frozen from the heavy weighted fear that is resting directly on my heart.

The pressure around me feels like it is about to explode. It is unbearable.

Worry and helplessness and panic and losing hope is like a pot of water boiling over with no switch to turn off the heat.

I am doing whatever I can to stay positive and in the moment. I am trying to channel whatever hope and love and f’ing optimism I can because I know…..

The only thing scarier than what is in front of me, is the possibility of a life without her.

But how can we go on like this?

Things are getting worse (or at least they are not getting any better.)

I have a hard time even writing words of dwindling hope because they feel like I am giving up.

I am not.

Logan is not. She is still so kind and sweet and accommodating. I know she feels terrible that she can’t do any better than she is and that is hard for me as her mom.

I want her to know she is always enough.

But, I am starting to understand this disease in a new light and cancer doesn’t give much space for what you want, and it also doesn’t give a shit at how hard you are trying.

Instead it insists. It jolts you, slaps you upside the head and it forces you to face what is right in front of you no matter how hard that is.

There are no points for being stoic but I’ve learned you also are not diminished for faltering courage.

There are good days and there are bad days. Sometimes, the truth is the bad days outweigh the good ones (even when your kids get to do amazing stuff like being stage with the Canucks).

Joy and struggle can coexist.

The fear of saving Logan while watching her suffer and the fear of losing her while contemplating a life without her become equally as scary.

There are times when don’t know what to wish for and the free space in your head to think about it all just messes with you.

Logan is not well.

Yes, she looked great at the gala (pictures will do that) and she really did rally very hard to watch her brother give his speech, but she also paid dearly for that night out.

Another shitty thing about cancer….

It keeps a tally.

When you spend all your energy in one place it seems to punish you. You can’t bounce back or replenish quickly.

Two days after the event Logan had a seizure.

Luckily I caught her.

Thank god for Jared.

He caught us both.

I don’t say enough about the JayRod. Really, he is the most committed and remarkable father ever.

He never leaves any of us.

He always seems to be there when we need him and he is unwavering in the commitment he made as a husband and father.

As I screamed in horror, and tried to engage with my sweet girl by calling her name, Jared gently laid her down on the carpet and rubbed my arm.

“It’s ok honey….she will be ok”

I sobbed.

Logan’s eyes twitched and her hands shook. She laid on the floor stiff as a board.

Jared remained so incredibly calm and when Logan finally came to, he smiled at her the same way he did at me, rubbing her arm and saying

“It’s ok honey….you will be ok”

Logan slept the rest of the day.

She had one more small episode on Saturday morning and then felt terrible all day. Sick, shaky and so tired we couldn’t even understand what she was telling us when she spoke.

Jared took my hand.

“I have to be honest. Honey, today is the first time I can honestly say I am NOT sure if it will be ok”

I spoke with our oncologist and based on Logan’s exam and symptoms she also believes Logan is likely having seizures.

Combine this with the blood pressure drops, chemo, low blood counts and the tumour and it’s hard to distinguish what the hell is going on and when..😩

The plan is likely going to be to start a new seizure medication this week.
We have, however, decided to wait on the EEG which will happen in the next couple of days before we decide which one to give her.

Loggie is on so many medications and we want to be sure this wasn’t just an isolated event before we load her full of more pills.

I’ve spent the whole weekend in turmoil.

Thank god for the snow days because to be honest, I couldn’t imagine facing the real world.

I keep asking myself what I am really trying to do for her? Is this chemo going to help her? (God I am begging)

Is there anything I am missing?
Is this fair to her? Am I being too hard on her? Or too weak?
Is this what the rest of her life is going to look like, pain and sickness and struggle?
How long is the rest of her life going to be? Why? Why? Why?
How are we going to find the strength we need to get through this and come out stronger? Is it really possible?

Sadly, at this point, I have learned the only answer I have is-

I don’t know.

I can’t possibly know.

But we must trudge forward anyhow ❤️