It doesn’t matter how many times I have sat in the MRI waiting room, I always feel panicked.

I don’t know why but every single time I enter that room there is a sudden pulsation of fear that overcomes me and I literally feel like I am going to lose my shit.

The MRI waiting room isn’t a scary place and theoretically it isn’t any different than any other waiting area in the hospital but it doesn’t matter. I loathe this room and almost choke on the lump that forms in my throat every time I have to sit in there.

Maybe, because I know even though it looks the same as all the others, it is different.

It is a room that carries a hefty, weighty, stressful energy and I sense it in every fiber of my being.

It is where families go to measure progress or confirm their worst fears.

No one gets an MRI because something isn’t wrong.

An MRI is a big test and it holds clout.

Despite any pacifying from doctors, the pictures that come from the scan make almost all the treatment decisions.

Knowing this means I can almost feel the banging of the machine through the thick painted cement walls when they fire up the machine.

The thud of the metal door from the waiting room to the radiologists desk seems to close harder than any other door in the hospital and every time it does I consciously think to myself, “You have to let it go Jenny. It already is whatever it is going to be. ”

Only I never can just let it go.

It is impossible.

Instead, I stew in my fear and worry and sit in that room which feels like torture and limbo combined.

It is hard to explain the intensity of the wait between a scan and the report but if you have ever experienced these moments, you will know what I mean.

I used to go into the scan with Logan every time she had one.

I used to think I could tell by the facial expressions of the technicians what the pictures were showing. I used to drive myself crazy trying to see a reflection in the glass between the machine and the computer screens as the images appeared.

I used to be so desperate to know the results, I felt like I was going insane from the sound of the machine as it began to hammer.

Now, I just sit silently outside in the irritating, confined waiting room trying to calm my own nerves.

I don’t exactly know why or even when I decided to start sitting outside the scan but today I realized it is no easier than being beside her.

It is all I can do to not to throat punch the parents who turn The Wiggles on the TV full volume while ignoring their kids who are throwing around plastic toys and playing the xylophone.

It is all I can do but wonder, “How the fuck does one cope with this? How the fuck do I cope? Am I even coping?”

MRI day and business trip= no coping and no shoes 😳

Today, I tried to be super evolved and self aware. I  journaled my way through my stay in the MRI waiting room. I was in the midst of writing through my feelings of why the room freaks me out so much when it all hit me.

I had just run into DR. Rod in the hall.

The kids and I were taking a selfie outside the MRI room when he came up and joked about our lighting and our angle.

“Where are you off to?” I asked him

“ICU.” He replied with a slight head tilt.

ICU is shittier than MRI. We both know it.

I looked down the long hallway with the stars on the wall indicating the route.

We’ve been there.

Actually, I think we’ve left MRI and very quickly been admitted into the ICU or vice versa.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

MRI is so fucking scary because it is the moment when you realize the magnitude of the situation you are facing.

MRI reiterates that you are caught between living life (and walking out of the front door of the lobby) and facing death (and heading down the hall to follow the stars to the ICU)

So, it is just “holy fuck!!”

MRI should be scary simply because it is…..

Super Scary. Period.

And another scan is now done and yes I am typing this while drinking a glass of wine.🍷

This glass of wine is from a neighbor who left me bottle at my doorstep because she totally  knew I would need it tonight. Thank the dear lord for moving me next door to Lesley.

Believe it or not I am not as nervous about this scan as I usually am.

I think I know what to expect.

Logan is doing better than she was, but she is also a long way from where she needs to be.

We are just plugging along (having as much fun as we can, when we can). Which is all I think we can do at this point.

I really am expecting a ‘status quo’ report.

But expecting and wishing are two different things and the crazy thing is, as I write this I am reminded how I don’t know what to wish for.

Of course, I wish her cancer would just disappear.

I always do and I’d be a shitty parent if I didn’t, but what if tomorrow I found out it was all gone and this Loggie is the Loggie we were left with.

Would it be enough? Would we feel like we  had won the battle?

Logan is so far from where she needs to be.

Could I accept where we are at today as the ultimate success and rest of our lives or as I sit here tonight should I be wishing to find out Friday we are only making progress on the road to the cure?

I don’t know.

What I truly wish for is for a life that wasn’t ever about cancer.

I wish this disease wasn’t part of our personal equation, but it is.

And reality has a shitty way of being real so there is no point in wishing for something that can’t be possible.

So, what I am left with is I don’t know what to wish for and I have finally decided that is ok because sometimes wishing is just a recipe for disappointment.

Maybe my therapist will help me to better understand this question.

Poor thing had a cancellation tomorrow and called me in at last minute.

My first thought when I got her message was “SCREW YOU UNIVERSE!!!😩😩😩.” But then I also said a silent thank you.😉

Good timing. I know I need it.

Results come Friday and the day between the scan and the report can be a doozy.

On that note, the new hospital is almost built and ready for patients to move in.

Do you think it is too late to suggest they make sure the MRI machine is no longer next door to the ICU?