I woke up this morning and reached for my journal.
I felt annoyed.
Most mornings, I try to write something. Always two pages of whatever comes up- never any pressure- I just write what’s on my mind.
Today, however, I woke up and consciously decided to write about what I was grateful for.
It’s Thanksgiving and it felt like the right thing to do. I have seen the gratitude posts hitting social media. I have also been reflecting on a few books I’ve recently read with some very poignant information.
Apparently, gratitude is the birthplace of joy so I sat on the edge of my bed, pen in hand, and pondered what I should write.
I felt nothing.
Not one word of thankfulness flowed to paper.
I looked out the window. It was raining. 🙄
I put my journal down and decided today wasn’t the day for bullshit.
I simply wrote “Fuck it” on the top of the page and started my day.
This familiar feeling of a lack of gratitude has been weighing on me for sometime.
I can’t shake it but I am afraid to share it or give it a name.
It is elusive. It comes and goes.
One moment I am feeling hopeful, happy, loved and balanced and the next I want to throat punch someone for cutting me off in traffic. It is like the swing of a pendulum from #rollwithit to #fml
I don’t know if it because we just had a full moon or because I turned another year older and feel in limbo or because it is Thanksgiving. I imagine it has something to do with the fact we are fast approaching the one-year anniversary of Logan’s relapse and I worry she is regressing. After 12 years, I am absolutely exhausted and with no end in sight I fear I won’t find the capacity I need to be what every one else needs from me.
All of it.
Maybe, all of it is why I feel so damn ungrateful.
In an effort to speak truth to bullshit, I am going to own mine.
This Thanksgiving I am not going to post about how lucky I am or for all the things I SHOULD be thankful for because I feel like doing so when I’m not truly feelin’ it is being bogus and insincere.
Instead I am going to share with you my ungrateful Thanksgiving list in the hopes of letting shit go and freeing up space to let more of the good flow in.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a total jerk and if you’ve been following this blog you do know deep down I realize and acknowledge how much I have to be happy for. I am blessed with a warm home, healthcare, food in the fridge, a free country- a slew of second chances , my kid has great doctors, we have cool experiences and I lap all of it up.
I know I am lucky and I truly don’t take the good in my life for granted.
But this isn’t about that.
This is about being honest and not trying to put on a brave face when really just below the surface I feel a very sharp edge of dissatisfaction towards life- right now. Not as a whole- but certain parts of it and I am tired of generalizing my gratitude when really some stuff just sucks.
Sometimes, I think we fear sharing our hard days or our pain because we’ve been told that being negative is weak.
No one wants to hear it.
I am a full time caregiver and it is my job to lift everyone else up but being positive and thankful during times of struggle is hard work and a ton of pressure.
It got me thinking.
I wonder how many others don’t feel super grateful this year but struggle because they think they SHOULD?
I think of all the families of the Las Vegas massacre. I am sure they must also be caught in the paradox of feeling love and sadness, humanity and loneliness, anger and joy.
I think of the mom I just spoke to in the hallway who told me there is no options left for her child and they aren’t sure how many days they have left, or the mom who just introduced herself to me and shared with me her child story’s of relapsed after 6 years and how her whole family is living in two bedrooms as her son recovers from a bone marrow transplant.
Do they feel only gratitude this Thanksgiving? (Don’t get me wrong I am not claiming to know how they feel-but rather asking the question and suggesting if they don’t…its ok)
Life is really hard and this world is a mess and I believe unless we acknowledge the truth and speak our own personal truth to all the bullshit that surrounds us we can’t feel true gratitude and joy.
We were admitted today.
Thanksgiving weekend and I had a whole slew of plans and now we are in the hospital. Logan’s blood pressure was frighteningly low and she was feeling awful. Nothing we could do but come in.
She is now hooked up to blood and IV fluids and Jared is at home making brine and organizing dinner for tomorrow. For a control freak like me, you can only imagine what that feels like. The plan is to go home to spend tomorrow enjoying the festivities then come back in on Monday. This weekend has turned into a transfusion turkey sandwich of sorts.
The smart thing to do would have been to cancel dinner with our surrogate family tomorrow night but I don’t want to. First off I love them and I know sitting around the table in their company will bring comfort and happiness. Second the fear of this possibly being our last Thanksgiving together won’t allow me to forgo the attempt at tradition. Yet not being able to putter and set my table and clean my house and enjoy the weekend and the process of Thanksgiving has left me feeling irritated and almost angry. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?
I get it. It is not about the table or the meal. I know. I fucking get it.
The thing is, its not always that easy to let it go. It might seem like small stuff but small stuff adds up and is usually the stuff that eats away at you and wears you down when are busy dealing with the big shit. It’s not easy to always have to accept harsh realities that are out of your control.
I’ve hummed and hawed about writing this blog but decided the only way to let go of my bitterness is to share it, release it and move on.
I decided this year instead of writing down what I am super grateful for and burying how I am really feeling, I would write a Thankless Thanksgiving list and share what I hope will F right the heck off!!!
Elizabeth Gilbert shared this quote on a podcast I listened to last week. “Sometimes you have to let your negative emotions transform into positive action.”
So, here goes my attempt….
I am not grateful for cancer. It is such a jerk and it pisses me off. Cancer is a bully and a taker and it never plays by the rules. I am not grateful for the hurt and pain it causes and I am NOT grateful for always having to live in such uncertainty.
I am not grateful for mortgage rate increases. Yep, we have to renew this week and I can’t believe banks are so greedy. Will I ever get ahead and not worry about finances? How will my kids ever afford to live in this city?
I am not grateful for guns and violence. This week’s news has rocked my soul. I can’t understand how there isn’t a radical movement for change and stricter gun laws and I fear for my kid’s future and the world I live in.
I am not grateful for those who don’t buy into global warming and I am not grateful for all of the natural disasters and the people who are suffering because of Mother Nature’s fury. It pains me to think of the hurt we are causing to our beautiful planet and I fear we may not be able to fix what has been done.
I am not grateful for people who lack self-awareness and don’t think before they speak or ever stop to wonder how their actions make others feel.
I am not grateful I have such a lack of patience.
I am not grateful for spending so much time sitting in traffic or how my car is broken for a second time in 3 months.
I am not grateful for anxiety or fear and worry or this view.
I am not grateful for the lack of time I have to do the things I really want to do or be with the people I want to be with.
I am not grateful for people who do less than they should.
I am not grateful for spending the day in a freaking closet.
And I am not grateful my cel phone loses battery so quickly but lucky for you it does and this is the end of my post.
(Ironically I do feel a bit better- and more grateful. 😉🙄 Go figure)
So, tell me-if you feel the same-what are you ungrateful for this Thanksgiving?
Wow, this is the first time I am inspired to respond. I cannot imagine the pain of watching your kid go thru this, and frankly, I don’t want to know how it feels. I am lucky because my kids are well. I have so many areas of my life in which I relate to how you feel and yet I feel like I should stop being such a crybaby (my family motto for me) because somebody always has it worse.
And yet here you are, baring your soul, and generously inviting us to do the same, to get shit off our chests.
You are absolutely right! I have tons to be grateful for, and yet I have never felt so miserable and trapped. I have my own business which is struggling. I have spent my life living someone else’s dream and it is no longer paying off. I am 51 and want a chance to try something else before I die. This job has me for 80 hours a week, and I struggle to take a holiday. I don’t have time to “putter around doing Thanksgiving” because I have to close to take a day off (closed doors mean no money coming in) and I know that the whole day will be taken up doing the laundry that has been piling up. My life is being swallowed up by this job, and if I leave it I am essentially abandoning my husband and it cannot be done alone. So who do I abandon? Him or myself? What a shitty choice to have to make.
As you put it, some days I am all laughter and light, because I am good at that, and it is who I really am. But then there are days when another employee quits for a better job and a customer writes a bad review about my smile being fake and I can actually feel my soul dying.
I remember reading a story about a guy who got hit by a meteorite, and my first thought was, “Lucky bastard.” I don’t want to suffer and wither away in a job that I hate. I want to do something more, something that feeds my soul! I want to know that when my number is up, I did not waste this life.
Good for you Jen for speaking your mind. Yes its true.. I think we all have some feelings of ungratefulness… but then we think of all the good things in our lives hoping it will outweigh the shitty stuff (Being a libra we both get that) and most of those shitty things are out of our control. Its the yin and the yang, the good/bad, the ebb/flow …. Know that we love you and family, the sun is shining today 🙂 and yes Cancer sucks balls bigtime!! xoxox
Thank you
This is the most honest raw thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for this. I needed this today. Sending love.
Thank you for your honesty. It is so ok to feel ungrateful, this is real life and it is really hard. Your blog hit home for me. I have a boy with a life limiting chronic illness and feel so many of the things you write about. ❤️
I am not thankful for my crappy kids that choose not to have a relationship with me. I am not thankful that my 80 year old Dad has to have open heart surgery or that my 81 year old Mom is being sent to the cancer clinic. I am not thankful for that stupid kid that made a stupid mistake and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I feel nettery
*better
Thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such awful times. You’re right – cancer is a jerk and a bully, and it pisses me off too. I am not grateful to have Thanksgiving without my husband, who wasn’t able to beat that bully, cancer. Take care.
Hi jen, I have met you a few times in hospital with my daughter poppy…. I just HAD to say I am thankful for YOU! And all these words you write and that someone else “gets it” I LOVE an unthankful list and I’m writing mine now but it’s way too long to post:) ❤️
I am a firm believer in off coloured humour so much so that even Poppy’s saying ” mom, that’s a bit inappropriate” why not right….. ??? If you can laugh at cancer what’s the point
I am a firm believer in off coloured humour so much so that even Poppy’s saying ” mom, that’s a bit inappropriate” why not right….. ??? If you can laugh at cancer what’s the point
Life is shit sometimes and GOOD for you for saying it out loud. Holding up the family is exhausting and thankless some days. I can’t imagine doing it as long as you have. I was DONE after six months.
Know that even complete strangers are rooting for you and your family and are sending you the very best in your battle.