The thing about trying to live through cancer with our heads held high, is we spend so much time rising above that we disconnect from being on the ground.

When your life is cancer, (as much as we try to pretend it’s not) you constantly have to make a choice.
Allow it to break you or allow it to be a catalyst for strength.

Period.

To choose the latter and walk the road of courage and bravery means practicing the very thing we fear the most.

Disconnection.

Ironically, being strong means you have to find a way to protect yourself from the hurt, fear, sadness and reality.

It means not letting yourself go ‘there’.

It means making a conscious decision to know when to shut down and turn a blind eye.

It means building a hard shell around your soft heart and not allowing the pain to penetrate.

We may try to call it ‘self care’ but let’s be honest, it is protection mode. Those of us who have a child with cancer, or who are living with cancer ourselves, know it well-

Disconnection is full blown survival.

It’s how the unfathomable becomes tolerable.

Honestly, I see the whole world in a state of disconnection right now. We listen, we see and we process all that we know deep down is unacceptable but we don’t allow ourselves to feel it.

We don’t feel it, because feeling things has become so sacred and protected that we fear what our own emotion will bring. We don’t feel it because so much of what’s going on is wrong and we don’t think we can change any of it. We don’t feel it because we’ve been told weakness is not valued.

We fear feeling when we think nothing will change so simply put we file away our pain, outrage, anger and fear and we do our best to stay strong and be positive.

Trust me, I get it. I live it everyday. We yearn to be uplifted because so many of us struggle to accept this life for what it is.

Then, the unthinkable happens and someone we love dies.

It’s over.

There is no more rational. There is no more protection mode. There is no more rising above and all that is left is the overwhelming sense that we wish we have felt it all so much more and connected at a deeper level.

I struggle with this.

I know it’s ok to not want to ride everyone else’s rollercoaster. I know I have enough on my plate. I know I can’t take it ‘all’ on.

I tell myself this every day. It makes sense.

But then someone dies.

Today it was Gord Downie. Of course, I didn’t know him personally (although I wish and feel like I did). Seven years ago today, it was a sweet little boy we cherished named Callum. There have been countless beautiful souls we’ve loved and lost and tomorrow, sadly,  it will be someone else, maybe our Loggie. Maybe even you or me.

The thing is, we can’t stop the pain. We can’t not feel things and hope we become stronger or at the very least, stay strong.

For it is the feeling and the connection and the grief and the outrage and the joy and bliss and sadness and the pain the makes us the imperfect, beautiful, capable and loving human beings we are.

I cried to hear our country lost someone we love. I cried even harder when I watched our Prime Minister speak  “I really wanted to keep it together but it’s just too hard because this really hurts.”

Yes, It fucking hurts.

It hurts in the gut. It hurts in the heart chakra. It hurts in the future and even though we may have tried to bury it, it hurt in the past.

We know hurt because it bubbles up from the depth of our souls and the lump situates itself like a boulder in our throats- ironically where the words and the feelings need to flow from.

The lump is like a fucking dam.

It blocks. We swallow it down. We appreciate composure. We long for it. We honour strength and resilience and courage. We strive to have it all together.

But, getting gritting and deep and feeling all the BS and accepting it for what it is and then being ‘strong’ enough to release it when we are ready- is far more powerful and healing than just avoiding it altogether.

Listen, I am not advocating we all become soft and whiney and negative.

This is not about that.

I don’t think we need to wear our emotion on our cuff all time (maybe, just a little more some of the time) and I certainly don’t think this gives you a pass to be a needy, complainer or snotty mess.

But here is a thought….

Every once in a while, give your feelings permission- some space to marinate-and then, when you need to, allow those feelings to blow right through the fucking dam because sometimes, on days like today, it really does hurt too much to hold it all back.

No dress rehearsal- This is our life. ❤️