There is nothing in the world worse than being helpless.

I don’t know what to do.

Everyday feels like we are trapped in a funnel of terrible circumstances that go from bad to worse. I am grasping at anything that could help us but I don’t know how to pull us out of this mess or how fix any of it.

It feels like all we are doing is circling the drain.

I can literally feel my heart breaking. It’s  a constant pain that goes from a dull shiver to a piercing shrill.

I feel antsy and unsettled. My mind is racing but I’m frozen in fear and my body feels foreign like I’m living inside of a mere shell of who I used to be.

Desperation. Grasping. Fear. Paralyzing worry and constant hurt.

All I want to do is scream and panic and run away but it’s like I can’t move.

I feel like every day we are sinking deeper and deeper into quick sand and finding the energy or strength to jump into action and attempt anything feels impossible.

My Christmas tree has been sitting on the living room floor all week.

Time ticks. The days are morphing into one. Day and night don’t exist anymore.

I just sit- and stare- and think and listen for the next moment when Logan calls out for me in pain or need.

I feel like a robot in survival mode.

I watch the moments tick by and wonder as each one passes if we this is what it feels like when you realize you are losing time.

I don’t like where this is headed-

Everyday that passes and things continue to get worse our hope fades.

We are trying to rally but we are so fucking stuck and there just doesn’t seem to be a realistic way out of this mess.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve never been in a place like this before.

I don’t know how to care for my child- and I’ve never been here, where I don’t even know how to comfort her or ease her suffering or my families suffering.

Jared and I try to support each other but the only words we have seem convoluted and confused and lack direction.

“This is just so fucked….” seems to be the only mantra we can muster up these days.

I broke down and took Logan for acupuncture the other day. I was desperately googling holistic approaches to pain and nausea when the name of one doctor kept popping up. I called him, explained the situation and he got Loggie in right away.

The treatment of pins and needles and a weird taser gun miraculously helped her and she had about 24 hours of relief.

We were so happy and optimistic but, sadly, her respite was short lived and now she seems worse than before ever seeing him. We can’t get back in for another treatment until next week and I can’t help but wonder if any of this is even going to benefit her or if it’s just another way of grasping.

Everything feels like it is falling apart in our life.

Jared’s job is another nightmare. He thinks he will need to take an unpaid leave of absence and he is stressed about his and his clients that really cares about.

But his fucking kid is fighting for her life!!!!

He needs support and help.

As a good friend of mine always says to me “There are only two kinds of people in this world… those who are part of the solutions and those who are part of the problems”

Ego is a fuck of a complicated thing.

To say this has been a blow to Jared at the worst time of his life would be an understatement-

He’s really struggling with failure and desperate not to let anyone down
but for me, all I want is for him to walk away from this situation better and stronger.

I just want him to be here with us, where we need him to be and where he needs to be. Present with his family in crisis.

I want him to view this time in his life as a reminder of how important it is to filter your energy and resources into places you know will support you when we need them most. And to let go of the rest. I want him to rise above.

Jared assures me it will all work out.

I’m not even sure what that means anymore or if he believes it either, but I’m holding on to his words for dear life at this point.

What we don’t need is yet another fight but you can’t control the shit-sometimes you just have to wade through it.

We don’t really need stupid cancer either but no point in fighting things we can’t change.

This is where we are.

We NEED to focus on staying strong. We NEED to focus on rising up. We NEED to get through this horrendous time.  It’s all we can do….

So for now, here is the plan….

1. Hospice. They are applying for a grant to see if we can get some home care nursing support. We have decided we want to keep Logan home as long as we can manage. If we get the funding then we can hire our own nurse or care-aid to come to our home a specific number of hours per week to relieve us and help care for Logan. Less trips to the hospital and we can create a support team that is in our own space.

2. We are going to do a stay at Canuck place in the coming days to work with their own specialized medical team on a symptom and pain management plan. Apparently they are much better equipped at this point in terms of thinking outside of the box on how to manage vs. reacting to Logan’s pain and nausea.

3. Another MRI has been booked for the end of January (but may be bumped up) and a referral has been sent in for us to revisit the surgeon at VGH to discuss a possible biopsy and see what he thinks.

4. We have some more tests scheduled (will they ever end?) that require some OR time so we are waiting to hear when we can get in to complete those. In the meantime we need to wait for Logan’s counts to recover from the previous chemo. Her system is very sluggish.

5. If she doesn’t improve or get better with this break from chemo (which is likely what will happen) than we do have the option to apply for a relatively new chemotherapy regimen. The thing is- the results aren’t stellar for Loggies tumour (we are pretty down the wire on options) and our oncologist fears without a break from chemo Logan may not even tolerate this new plan. Basically, it’s a delicate balance between causing more harm than good or as she put it being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

6. We are going to try to run away. I know it sounds completely ridiculous and stupid at this point but it’s our jam. We want one more (ok we want many more but for now- one more) trip away. It’s pretty far fetched at this point but we are throwing around the idea of sunshine and family escape time before the last ditch attempt at the iffy chemo.

7. This one seems simple…. but is hard as fuck. We are going to try to not go crazy or become angry and petty and take shit out on each other. We are going to try to block the negativity and hurt and do our best to rise up during this fuck of a mess.

And that’s it.

There  you have it team…..
This is where we are.
It’s super shitty but it is what it is and we doing the best we can.
I have to say thank you to SO many of you who are awesome.

Your love and nice messages and kindness and support really do offset the bullshit and keep us going.

Basically, even though most of you are complete strangers we love you all and you feel like you’ve become our family.

Funny how life works….there is always something to be grateful for. I am grateful for this blog bringing all of you to us.

So with that said, many of you have asked how you can help…. Literally, my inbox is jammed with offers and so many loving people pleading with me to let them do something….anything…

So, after lots of tears and putting our pride aside we decided it is time to accept help. There are going to be a few options and some amazingly supportive avenues if you do want to help. (No pressure)

A team of incredibly awesome Wild Mom’s are rallying to spearhead the help train us I will share the ways you can get involved on the Facebook page if you so wish to help.

Thank you all so much.

Much love to all❤️❤️

J