If it wasn’t for the long yellow tube hanging out of her face no one would even know she was sick. Loggie has made another remarkable comeback and has been nothing short of amazing since arriving in Sayulita.💥

I am sure most of her improvement can be attributed to the massive medication changes we did at the beginning of February while she was admitted to hospital, but something also has to be said for the sun and the sand and a life that feels far away from the regular routine of the cancer that is always in our face.

A while ago, I posted a video on the concept of grounding.

Basically, it is the science of connecting yourself to the earth. The idea is, the vibrational frequency of the earth’s energy flows through and connects with your own body’s vibrational frequency and then connects to the energy of the sun. The thought is this ‘pull’ and stream of force reduces inflammation thus resulting in less pain and putting the body into a more balanced state of being.

I am not a scientist, but judging by Loggie’s extreme improvement I’d say some of this concept must be true. Her medical doctors may argue, the chemo, the pills, and the treatments have worked and I agree they have been necessary, but I also think having a goal to live also gives reason for enduring all the pain and suffering. I think this is also the reason why she is doing so much better.

She was taken to the brink of death but now she gets to survive and thrive, we all do.
Having something to look forward to, having an adventure ahead of us and experience under our belts, taking risks and planning ahead gives us all a reason to rally. I know the way we have chose to live our life, the travel over the years, has not only improved Loggie’s heath but everyone’s sense of wellbeing.

It might not have been the right thing to do- running away.

Taking off may not have been the most responsible thing and it may not have been the smartest thing either but we couldn’t be happier with our decision.

One of Logan’s cousins sent me an email just before our departure. She told us she thought we were brave and thanked us for showing Logan the world and taking her on this trip. “She deserves so much more than a life full of cancer and she deserves to see more than the four walls of hospital” she said. Her words brought me to tears for so many more reasons than I care to write about, but mostly because it is what I believe to be true. What cancer robs you of is so much more than physical.

For each of us, living in a constant state of stress and uncertainty has worn us down.

We may try to project a we’ve ‘got our shit together’ persona but no joke, Cancer is bull crap and a really hard life. Disclosure to the depth of our pain is not open to everyone but those who know our pain, knows how deep it runs.

Not only do we feel out of control, there is a deep sadness we carry around.

Most days we feel disconnected from life but even worse, from each other. ‘They’ say you take your anger and pain out on those you love the most and I know this to be true.

The harder things get for us the further we push each other away. I try to rationalize how we all go through our own shit at different times, but more often than not,  it tears me apart to see how this disease is changing us and reframing the relationships in our family.

Its been almost 13 years and the reality is, cancer is NOT going away.

No matter what happens to Logan or how long she lives, cancer will have forever shaped the trajectory of our lives, Brody’s childhood, and almost every decision we’ve ever made together. This is our life, our story and somehow THIS feels like it is now or never.

The reality of Jared being suddenly unemployed was ‘the straw that broke the camels’ back’ and for lack of better words, the ‘shit show’ and the ‘ah ha moment’ that nudged us into making the decision to hit the road. For as many years as I can remember, my husband and I have laid awake at night dreaming of the day we could pull our kids out of school and ourselves out of reality, and just run away.

The same way people often daydream in conversation about what they would do with a lottery win, Jared and I would talk about what it would be like if we could just throw in the towel for a few months (or years) and check out.

Disconnection can sometimes be a way to reconnect.

I have always known I was a gypsy soul and I can feel the wanderlust running through my veins. Connection with this sacred earth and the people who roam it, is what fills me up.

Nothing feels better to me than the pull of the weight on my shoulders from carrying too much in my pack. My heart starts to race and swell when I hit the keyboard to research a new country. Meeting people from different walks of life with a similar love of travel, seeing new places, and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, lights me up.
Experience, time together, and the gift of travel is what I want my kids to take away from the time we have had together within our nucleus.

I have a deep faith in the belief that if I can show them the world through a set of unbiased eyes, if I can introduce them to different cultures, and show them the beauty of every corner of this planet, then maybe they will have a better chance of growing up to be open, kind, and tolerant. Maybe, exposure will instil the integrity needed to help heal mother earth and they will choose to do what is right instead of what is easy.  Or at least, that is my hope.

There is only one problem with this dream, traveling with a kid who has cancer is not a piece of cake.

I met three nurses at dinner last night. They are here on a yoga retreat. Shortly after, I spoke to a doctor at a food truck (yes we do a lot of eating 🙄).

I shared our story with each of them, they all gave me the same look.

I can’t talk medical jargon with everyone but when I speak to a doctor or a nurse and explain Logan’s tumour and the symptoms of her brainstem failure, the ‘get’ it. When I divulge the inability she has to regulate her own blood pressure or basic functions for life, or how we need to utilize and change her NG tube, or adjust dozens of medications daily (and they gasp at the doses), or how we pack around medical devices everywhere we go or worry about having to accessing her VAD or how to keep her healthy despite a weak immune system, they all give me the same expression- like I am a fucking nut job.

I always thought (and preached) how you could run away from your problems. I always thought going away on vacation was escaping.

I have since changed my perspective.

Logan is not all the sudden ‘better’ because she is in Mexico. I mean she is ‘better’ but her needs are the same.

Although the pictures may show a bright and happy kid, we don’t just hop on a plane and all our problems magically disappear.

It is a real pain in the ass to travel like this and it is by no means a vacation that is footloose and fancy free and a beach doesn’t suddenly mean Loggie is cancer free.

Her disease is in our face every single day.

It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I ponder before bed. Geography doesn’t change that. In fact, being way means we have to be even more diligent to make sure we don’t miss a thing. (Thank god for my bestie Kitty who made the trip down meds in tow because we accidentally mis-calculated – It happens) 😩😩

This trip is no longer about running away, it is about running forward.

It is about accepting where we are at- feeling unsure- and doing it anyway.

It is about taking a risk simply because it is what feels good and right for us.

It is about letting go of having to fit into a life that wasn’t ever ours to fit into and it is about adding it to the ‘fuck- it list’ and seeing where life wants us to go.

It is NOT about crossing off bucket list items in a race against time. It is honouring the time we have.

This decision was not an easy one to make but time together doing cool shit is rad, so even if it isn’t exactly as we hoped it would be, it is enough.

Exploring, who we are together, as individuals, and what this world has to offer us is our only goal.

Oh, that—–and it feels pretty good to think we are taking even a little bit of power away from the beast that constantly lives in our shadows.

So here we are.

HOME. ☀️

We started out our 3-6 month journey in one of our favourite little spots, Sayulita.

We’ve been coming here for about 11 years and we love this little town for so many reasons, but mostly because the vibe is one of imperfection and grit- just like us.

It is dirty and dusty but vibrant and full of life. It is a place for yogis and surfers and for everyone. It is artsy and has amazing food and style. This town has changed in so many ways since we started visiting, and for some they think Sayulita has lost its charm.

I, however, prefer to think of it as expanding.
We started here because it is familiar and because we knew what to expect. We also liked that it was a relatively short flight home if need be, and because embracing the Sayulita-life is a thing.

For me, I needed to shift. I wanted some down-time and a space to start writing my book. I committed to the process in January and just as I did, an amazing organization out of San Diego by the name of unknown voices jumped on board to help me bring my book to fruition.

Only, one problem, from the moment I decided and committed to the project, I felt stagnant.

Loggie had been so sick for months and I felt disconnected and actually pretty negative. I knew in my heart the Sayulita vibe was just what I needed for my creativity to flow and where the book could manifest—–and it has.

The pages are flowing and I can feel the story unfold. It has been an extremely emotional process so far but I am loving the routine I have carved out and the time I have with my keyboard.

Every morning starts out the same way.

I get up early ( I know, weird 😜) and journal on the deck before the kids get up to eat breakfast. Afterwards, I head to yoga to set my intention for the day and the Jayrod hits the local crossift gym to pump some iron.

 

Logan spends most of her day cruising through the shops pondering her latest purchase but never really buying anything. She loves to sit on the beach eating fish tacos and drinking Shirley temples, reading her book and day-dreaming of the day when she will travel with her friends. She has made herself at home with local shop owners and has established a ocean-free pee routine. Instead of having to get wet she is now allowed into the back of a few beach front restaurants to use the facilities free of charge.

The girl knows how to use her sweet smile to her advantage.

Brody on the other hand can’t stay dry. The kid is slaying the swell and is popping up on the surf board like a little pro. It seems fitting we bleached his hair before we came. His sun kissed locks have give him the full blown ‘hang loose’ look.

I have really loved starting my day with my yoga practice. It has felt so magical and a much needed release for my mind and my soul.

Yoga, to me, is about humanity and connection. It is about intention and slowing down and feeling it all. I can’t think of anything more beautiful than a room full of people committed to taking care of themselves, breathing in, and meeting themselves where they are at without judgement.

I also really love the laughing buddha pose I’ve been introduced to—For any of you who have never tried it, DO IT!!!! SO MUCH FUN! 😂

Being here, as expected, has opened up a lot of space for things to come up in my thoughts and my yoga practice.

Forgiveness, compassion, a deep rooted and painful sadness have all surfaced. But there is also a freedom and surrender to let it all go and just be.

I am so damn grateful for this.

One word that has rocked me to my core and continued to shown up recently has been the word privilege.

Privilege is a word that resonates for many obvious reasons but ironically is one of the last words I thought I’d ever feel.

I started this year with just one word as my focus-

ENOUGH.

For me. all I wanted was life, with all of it’s imperfection to just feel like it was enough.

I wanted to let go of my desire it to be more than was possible and just to see myself for who I was and be OK with it all. (RIGHT??)

I was struggling very deeply with so much shit. There were so many untruths I had told myself and believed to for far to long- (funny enough, the critics I feared also showed up- because that is  how life rolls).
I desperately longed for complacency and I was exhausted from the competition I put on myself trying to keep up with the ‘Jone’s.’  I just wanted to look at my own life with the gratitude and acceptance I knew I desired.

Well, we all know what happened next….

Here I am.

My family is now pretty much living like a transients. Nobody holds a day job and we zero firmed up plans or direction about where life is going to take us.

Weird enough, but being in limbo feels GREAT! and for the first time in my life I feel like everything is more than just enough, it also feels so damn privileged.❤️

Privilege is about feeling honoured.

Privilege is about deep soulful gratitude.

It is about having the courage and openness to see things as they are- with love -and it is about knowing how darn lucky you are to be in the moment you are in.

It is also the realization and the knowing— how quickly things could change or be taken away. But more than this, it is also about seeing everyone else’s life with the same humanity and equality as you see your own.

Privilege is a deep understanding. We are all more the same than we are different but what separates us is so minute in comparison to what really connects us.

Traveling and being on this trip with my family is an absolute privilege. It is not lost on me, the universe conspired to make this happen, and all of you, as our healing team rallied with and for us to make this happen.

Logan’s medical team has given us incredible support— and time, for whatever reason has decided to be on side.

I feel wholehearted and happy.

Logan is doing great and we feel like such an abnormal but somewhat normal family.

Nothing has really changed but everything feels like it has.

It feels as though we have taken some power back and we like it~~~~ BOOM!💥

We are in Sayulita for a couple more weeks and we are embracing every moment of the downtime, the sunshine, all the fish tacos and for ‘The Bdog’, he is praying the next swell that comes in will bring with it,  perfect waves.

When we leave here at the end of the month, then we are off to Colombia!!!!! 🇨🇴

We have joked about how we are channeling our ‘Inner Pablo’ and thought it would be a  perfect place to fit in, packing all the drugs, without a second look. haha!

From Colombia we think we may head to Panama and then up to Costa Rica, Nicaragua and Honduras—- but our plans are loose and we aren’t entirely sure. We are trying to be open to whatever comes our way.

The only plan that remains firm is we will have to be home at the end of May because we need to reload on medication, Loggie needs an MRI, and it will be time to check in with her oncology team. From there then we hope to head out again to spend most of the summer across the pond before being forced to integrate back into reality.

Grade nine will come quick for Brody, and ‘The Jayrod’ will need a freaking job by then. The possibility of more treatment also lingers (although we pray she won’t need it). UGH….

But, all of those things are not for today. Today we are in this glorious moment and we are soaking it all up.

So, loose plan it is.

We are going with it. We know all too well, how quickly plans can change.

Wish us luck as we push forward. We send love to you all.

#rollwithit.