Sometimes I feel like I am just one big cry baby.
I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I have cried in the last 10 years but it’s got to be close to a million so that consitutes a title. Cry baby.

Most of my tears have been filled with sadness and despair and and worry. They have flowed from me with fear, panic anxiety. Anxiety tears are the worst, I hate when things are out of my control and having a child with brain tumor means almost everything is out of my control. Acceptance is journey, one I’m not sure if I will ever arrive at.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a bit bossy and I am also a bit of a control freak. Not saying that I can’t go with the flow but mostly I like things organized, I like a plan.
I have cried so many silent tears  simply because in our life there is no plan. I have had to learn that I will never get ‘over’ Logan’s cancer diagnosis but instead learn how to get through it. (Thank you thousands of dollars of therapy.)

I have cried for the pain Logan has and still continues to endure. I have cried for my poor son in fear that maybe one day he will think I was a shitty mom to him and there wasn’t enough balance.
My heart has ached for reasons that aren’t even clear.

I have spent nights selfishly crying for what this disease has taken from me personally,  a lost career, dissolved relationships, and financial uncertainty and a then I have cried because of the guilt of being so damn selfish.
I know so many other families that would trade spots with me in a heart beat. I also know I should never cry for what I haven’t lost.

But some days, despite knowing all of this, I just cry because I need to. It is easy to get into the rut of feeling helpless and hopeless and pissed off and ripped off. Living a life that is this on the edge,all the time, for so long takes it toll and you need to be mindful to ‘stay positive’ (which also happens to be one of my least favorite statements)

So today, was too a day I cried.
But today, I cried for a different reason. I cried because my heart was  full and I was happy. Tears literally rolled down my cheeks.
Happy tears imagine that.

Happy tears feel so much different than sad tears.
Happy tears feel like “Hell ya- I am exactly right were I am supposed to be, I can do this”
Happy tears feel connected and weightless and today that is exactly how I felt. Totally and completely light.

As the ferry pulled away from the Island of Koh Chang and I looked back I felt a sincere sense of gratitude.

I know we are lucky and I should feel this way every day but I am going to honest- I don’t.
I am not going to go and get all Oprah Winfrey on you but I had an ‘Ah ha moment’  this deep sense that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and that every single moment in my life had to happen to lead me to this one.
Then I kind of just said “YES” to myself and then I started to cry.

Usually when I cry it worries Jared. He knows the spiral,  but this time when he saw my tears, he too smiled. “I should just quit my job”

YES

and I  threw on my headphones and started a bit of a dance party on the ferry. I actually have the worst moves in the planet and it is joke in our family how bad I dance, so at first Jared and the kids gave me a weird look.

I didn’t care, I started singing louder and louder and got up, starting pointing at them…..”Life is better with you”…at the top of my lungs and before I knew it Brody joined in and we sailed away from the Island- singing Michael Franti together both with happy tears.

I will return to Koh Chang but next time I will stay much longer and in a less expensive villa right on the beach. I will eat more local food and I spend less time at the pool and more time in the ocean. I will rent a moped and see the east side of the Island. I will go to nightclub.

We were scheduled to leave Koh Chang yesterday, but we just couldn’t bring ourselves to leave so thanks to modern technology (Hotwire to be exact) we booked a great room at a much smaller resort up the island and stole one extra day in paradise.
The Khlong Phrao resort is gorgeous and super reasonable. We at the best Thai food we’ve had on the island and then we lied in bean bag chairs to watch the sun go down.

I won’t mention the hard bed or the cold shower (because it is almost not worth mentioning) and this morning we had a great breakfast….. or at least I did. Jay is the first one of us to have tummy troubles on the trip.
Thankfully, he isn’t letting it stop him, and today we took a kayak out to the tip of the bay. It was breathtaking and almost the highlight of the trip.

At the hippy hut

I say almost because we did so many cool things in the 7 days we were on the island that it is hard to say what the highlight was.
Maybe it was having a mojito at the hippy hut while observing a very talented artist paint his obsession of Bob Marley, maybe it hiking to a hidden waterfall, maybe it was pulling my amazing 18 year old daughter out of a Thai bar, or maybe it was swimming with an Elephant.

Yes, swimming with and riding elephants was actually one of the most amazing things we did- bar none.
Funny enough when I got to Koh Chang I had decided that we would likely not do this activity. I read a lot of really bad things about how the elephants in these camps were treated and I kind of felt a bit like doing this activity was the same as taking my kids to Sea World. I don’t want to sound righteousness but I think animals should be out in the wild. I don’t think we should use them for our own form of entertainment.

I don’t want to spark a debate but the kids really did want to go to the elephants and I had promised them the activity as their Christmas present (which they reminded me). The original plan was to head to Chaing Mai to an elephant conservation park but we are running out of time. So after a bit of persuasion and a few Chang beers I decided to do some research about facilities on Koh Chang.  I found out that one of the camps on the island is actually in conjunction with Friends of Asian elephants, which is an organization that works to conserve Asian elephants, and supports humane treatment and proper regulations around the habitat in which they live. We asked around about the camp we chose and in the end we decided to go. We all agreed that if we didn’t like what we saw when we got there then we would forgo the money we spent and we’d leave with out partaking.
We liked the idea of bathing the animals and brushing them, but we weren’t sure about riding them. We told the facility our concerns and they said we could decide as we went along, they wouldn’t force anything on us. It could be our choice.
I have to say both were awesome.
The handlers were incredible with the elephants, and the animals seems happy, playful and most importantly well fed.
The handler carries a pick like tool, and it worried me very much that the animal might get abused but not even once was it used. When I asked about the tool, the handler explained that it was more for the tourists to feel safe than controlling the animals. In fact, our handler never even really rode the elephant but rather walked beside him and talked to him the whole time.

There is no doubt it is a tourist attraction but honestly in a country like this where there are so many people who want to do this, this activity will likely always exist. I just encourage you just do your research and choose somewhere that is reputable. The Ban Kwan elephant facility is a good. They moved their camp from the road side (where so many of them are) into the jungle so that the animals could live in a natural, shaded, habitat. They have teams of people working all day chopping down leaves and food for the animals. The groups are small, and there are no big hooks through the animals mouths. They are given freedom to roam and you are cautioned to stay out of their space instead of the other way around..
They also get lots of bananas-so many bunches of bananas- which they love.

Swimming with elephants Ban Kwan elephant camp

Elephants are incredible animals but they are also huge. Brody was a bit nervous at first and didn’t like the idea of getting into the water with them. He didn’t like when the Elephant submerged into the pond. He did it so that you could crawl up on his back but you couldn’t see most of his body when we went under. It was the first one on one interaction with the animal and to be honest was a bit creepy but after you realized he didn’t want to crush you then it was just plain awesome. I am sad B didn’t partake.

Now, as I type I am on the city bus to Bangkok. Apparently the entire trip takes 7 hours including the ferry ride. The back packers at Lonely beach told us there was no need to pre book the bus. They told us that at 800 baht the service was a rip off from the hotels and tour companies and that it was totally doable to arrange the trip on our own.

I love this kind of challenge, plus I am also relentless when it comes to a deal so I couldn’t bring myself to spend an extra 450 ($18.00) for the same service. I had Google on my side and 10 different sites all with different information we’d be fine. We jumped a road side cab to the ferry crossing and held our breath that the 2pm city bus was really going to be waiting for us on the other side.

Good thing, we had horseshoes up our ass, because we got the last 5 seats on the crowded bus and for 245 baht we not only got a clean, new, and air-conditioned ride, we also got a bottle of water, a donut, a coffee and a juice box. SCORE.

Apparently we arrive around 7:30pm and are bracing ourselves for what will seem like a return to reality and the gong show of city life-in the dark no less. We have to navigate the local sky train to our hotel about 1/2 hour away from the local bus station. It always amazes me when we travel. At home we’d never do this- use public transit at night.
We are all excited for Bangkok in our own way. Jared plans to get a couple shirts made for work (insert sad face here) the girls are going to shop the fashion malls (go figure) Brody wants to see the floating markets, eat at some of our favorite travel bloggers top spots and maybe buy some cheap iPad cases. Me, well I am just looking forward to using my credit card (Koh Chang is a cash only island and we are running out) having a long hot shower, throwing on one of the too many dresses I’ve packed and finding myself a decent glass of wine.

Cheers!

After making it through the gong show that is the Poipet/Aranyaprathet border we had to arrange our transport to Koh Chang.

We were on a strict time crunch and needed to made the last ferry by 5pm so we weren’t stranded on the mainland without accommodation. Prior to coming on this trip, this was the one day that worried me most.

The Koh Chang ferry terminal (Laem Ngop) is a 4 1/2 hour drive from the border and we had three options to get here. We could rent a private car/driver, hop on a mini bus or the class A city bus.
Both the mini bus and city bus were scheduled to make stops along the way and that meant we had to change transportation in Chanthaburi to get to Trat and the mainland ferry terminal.

It seemed like so many things could go wrong with only 7 hours until the last ferry and because were already shaken and stressed from the border experience,we asked our buck tooth Cambodian guide to arrange us the private driver/car to the ferry.

It was the most expensive option at 2700 Baht (or just over 100 bucks). All five of us were loaded into a Toyota Tacoma like truck, our back packs barely fit in small bed and you couldn’t swing a cat with us squished in the font cab but, we were excited to make the trek and ready for some serious beach time.
It is to bad that our driver did not speak any English so the only communication we had were a few words regarding the ferry tickets. It made for a very long ride. I find taxi drivers to be the best tour guides so I felt very sad that our driver couldn’t converse with us during the long trip. It also made me realize how ignorant I was and how I needed to learn another language.

Logan- pretty much every time we have to get in a car, on a bus or a plane…

Crossing over from Cambodia to Thailand is seriously like jumping ahead 75 years. In the 25 steps it took to cross from one country to the next I seriously felt like I had time travelled.

It was THAT different.

The first thing I noticed was the garbage cans and recycling bins. There were paved roads and sidewalks (imagine) and stop lights. Cars looked much newer and the roads had less mopeds with 6 people loaded on then. Some people even wore helmets!

Immediately, you could also feel the presence of the western world everywhere. KFC, Dunkin Donuts and signs offering lattes and americano’s – it boggled my mind.

Chai tea (our driver to the Cambodian border) would never  know (or care) what a latte was and I am sure he would think an americano was his usual customers to the border and not some fancy coffee.

I also noticed how much more expensive things were in Thailand and although by our standards things are still considered cheap, Thailand is not as cheap you think. I loaded up on a few items for our road trip, 5 bottles of water and a box of 5 donuts it was 400 baht or 11 dollars. In Cambodia I bet it would have been less than 1/2 that price minus the brand.

The ride was pretty uneventful and I only thought I was going to die about 3 times. Our driver was such a tailgater and because I am prone to getting car sick I got the front seat.
I swear I hit the floor boards and gasped so many times that I was stressing him out. He kept putting his arm across my chest and telling me “Lady….Lady no worry”

The truck we rode in was brand new but like most taxis it was converted to propane so we had to stop every 150km to fill up. The trip ended up taking closer to 6 hours and my anxiety rose with every stop but when we pulled into the ferry terminal with exactly one hour to spare I high-fived my driver like I always knew we’d be fine.

We made it! GOLD STAR to the Lay family! Once again we felt like team number one on the Amazing race.

The ferry was old and the terminal nothing special (not even a toilet) but the ride over was peaceful (with monks behind us) and more importantly it uneventful. We drank beer and leaned over the side of the ferry to take too many egocentric selfies, breath in the warm humid ocean air and simply relax.

Ferry and terminal to Koh Chang

On the ferry to Koh Chang.
First beer in Thailand-Leo

Once arrived, chaos ensued, negotiations started and we were forced into the back of a truck with 13 other people before being dropped off at the beautiful AWA hotel.

Beautiful it is.
We heard it is one of the fanciest hotel on the island and after staying at the Golden mango inn and being in Cambodia it feels a bit excessive, extravagant and honestly unnecessary.

View from our room at the beautiful Awa Hotel

We spent the first two days here literally doing nothing. Nothing, other than swimming drinking and basking in the sun. We met a nice couple (Josh and JoAnn) who live in Pattaya. They are teachers from Canada who have been living abroad with their children for more than 13 years now. I think they are doing things right. They seem content and happy to be experiencing the world. They had so many stories to share with us about living in different countries and they seemed to be lacking nothing. With no plans to return home to live any time soon, they spoke about buying their first home here in Thailand. I felt very jealous.

We ate Mexican food on our first night on the Island and Thai food in a Greek restaurant on the second (go figure).
We meandered through the streets bartered a bit on a few knock offs and slowed our pace to that of island life.

Yesterday, we ventured out to the beautiful Khlong Phlu waterfall. We hiked up for about 45 minutes before reaching the beautiful cascade. The water was fresh and much colder than the ocean which is 86 degrees and almost the same temperature as the air. The cool pond we swam in was full of the same little fish that naw at your feet in the stalls on pub street. It felt so great to jump in and cool off but super creepy to be swarmed by so many fish who were literally nipping at you.

It costs 200 baht to get into the park and the waterfall is considered protected so if you pack a picnic be prepared to pack out your garbage. If you ever come to Koh Chang it is well worth the trip. Don’t take the tour. It is a rip off. You can easily take a cab to the entrance and do it yourself. I imagine it is much better that way.

At the Khlong Phlu waterfall

Panoramic of swming hole at Khlong Phlu waterfall

After two hours at the waterfall we jumped into another cab and headed to an area known as Lonely beach. It was the highlight of our day and If I (when I) come back to Koh Chang this is where I will stay.

Apparently it is considered the backpackers haven and things are not only cheaper down there, they are a lot more fun. The hotels are no where near as swanky but the music is booming, the bars are flowing with drinks and the beach is sandy and shallow.

The water is crystal clear and you can walk forever and still see the bottom but there are also quite a lot jelly fish so you have to be careful. Ouch. Both Brody and I got bit- lucky by small ones.

Where we are staying is beyond gorgeous and we are grateful for such nice accommodation but honestly, it is boring as hell. For us, we prefer a bit of fun and action. AWA is almost spa like, the pool side music consists of very quiet and slow versions of Kenny G and Celine Dion over and over again. Painful.

The first couple of days we appreciated the tranquil ambiance of this place but now we are ready to amp it up a bit. Have some fun, play some beach ball, order up some cheap drinks, and maybe get a bit tipsy but at 180 baht each (or 7 dollars) for a beer it is not happening at AWA.

We may be becoming cheap, or maybe just a little more local. Travel does that to you.

So, for a second time today we are going to forgo the fancy loungers and expensive cocktails and lay on towels at Lonely beach.

Drinks on Long Beach

Beach ball for hours on long beach

Lounging at Lonely Beach

The girls prefer Lonely beach over Kai Bae (where we are staying) as it caters more to families. Lonely beach has a much younger vibe.
So last night when they asked to take a taxi and go back in the evening for dinner and some fun, Jared and I only had one rule. Stay in touch.

Although the drinking and apparent age to get into bars is 20 here, you get mixed answers from the locals and the Internet. Some say it is 18, some say 21 but it is clear if you are a foreigner rules are very loosely enforced.
I read that if you get caught under age in a bar you are in big trouble. Up to 6 months in jail and 10,000B fine minimum. Josh and JoAnn (our new friends from Pattaya) told not to worry, they told us the girls would be fine, but telling me not to worry is kind of like telling me not to breathe.
So, I told the girls they could go off on their own with only one rule, they had to stay in touch.

When they got to Lonely beach they needed to find wifi so I could contact them. The last thing I needed was a trip to a Thai jail to pick up my little sweethearts.

Needless to say at midnight last night when I hadn’t heard from them in over four hours I was pretty much eating my own hair. One of my biggest down falls, likely the result of PTSD from 10 years of childhood cancer is I am a worst case scenario person.

I couldn’t sleep, the girls weren’t home and I knew they were in some funky bar miles down the island
I woke Jared up, dragged him out of bed and jumped into taxi and together we made our way to the local bar scene in back packers haven.

And there they were.
Happy as heck, having a dance party.

All we had to do was follow the music. It was the loudest bar and Loggie and her friend Dani were front and center right beside the speakers in all their glory busting out their best moves.

One look at me and they knew…..
OH SHIT.
“Mom….there was no WIFI…”

OH SHIT for them- WIFI or not they were coming home.

I wasn’t angry. They weren’t doing anything wrong, it was just the two of them and they actually seemed to be having the time of their life. To be honest, I felt a bit sad for breaking up their fun but I needed to set the ground rules. No contact with the mommy for 4 hours in a bar on a Thai island and it meant that she was coming to find you.

Sucky for them, I am still young enough to know where to look.

They were a bit shaken that I was upset, or maybe just pissed that I pulled them off the dance floor during their favorite song but one thing is certain, they need to know,

It sucks being the parent too.

I always thought I’d be ‘that’ parent. You know the super cool one who lets their kid do anything they want- lets them experience the world, be older than they should, take chances, and have all the freedom in the world but really I am not ‘that’ mom at all.

I’m a cancer mom. I get that things can go seriously wrong when you least expect it so that also makes me the mom who will come looking for you in a Thai bar.

I told them one day they would be thankful for my over protectiveness. I know that day won’t be soon.

And don’t think I don’t realize I have spent so much of my life watching, monitoring and managing every part of Logan’s life that I don’t know how to let her go and trust that she will be ok on her own. I know there will come a time when I have to give her a bit more freedom. There are just so many worries. Medications, brain tumors, dizzy spells, headaches, and my poor Loggie’s memory and understanding of things is not always as good as it should be.
How do you not worry? especially in Thailand?

Anyhow, all is well that ends that ends well. The girls got back to our fancy hotel and they are safe and sound. My nerves are a bit shot, so a glass of wine was in order. I am happy to report I found a local wine shop selling less shitty wine than I’ve become accustomed to so I am feeling more content.

Today we are heading back to Lonely beach, maybe heading further up the island to a local market and pier (Bang boa) and after that we are going to see the Elephants before we leave this paradise for Bangkok.

The girls just told me that they plan on going back to Lonely Beach and ‘out’ again tonight….I nodded…..One thing I can guarantee-
They will find WIFI.

I LOVE Koh Chang.

These sweet girls
Before mommy came and got them out of a Thai Bar

Selfie before dinner

Beautiful Angkor Wat

We did it all.

In the days we had in Cambodia- we really did do it all.

We saw the temples- at sun rise and we picnic’d in the beauty of it all.
We were blessed by a monk.
We had a 2 hours of massages 3 different times-for a total cost of 13.00

We drank on pub street

We visited the floating villages
We saw houses on stilts
We took a 4 hour ride a tuck tuck and an hour long boat ride that ran out of gas
We had a dance party on the Tonle Sap lake with a guy who didn’t speak one word of English but loved every beat we played
We ate sticky rice out of bamboo shoots cooked on the side of the road
We gave candy to local kids, we saw a monk orphanage and gave money to the local people forced to peeling fish in the blazing sun all day long

We drank on pub street

We ate fried rice and a cat (I’m pretty sure)
We got lost down a dirt road (and I stuck my credit cards and money down my bra)
We shopped in the market and all bought hippy pants
We tried to feed a starving dog

We drank on pub street

We took our shoes off everywhere, and put our sunscreen on
We met new Australian surf friends who gave us their address and invited us to come stay (we may just go)
We napped
We dipped
We listened to the most amazing live music
We got scammed by our favorite tuk tuk driver

We drank on pub street

And when the day came to leave, we felt like we did it all.

But instead of wanting move north to Thailand we wanted to head south further into Cambodia.

We had fallen in love.

Fishing village Tonle Sap lake

Cambodia was so shocking (I know I keep saying this but it was soooooo shocking) but at the same time- we all really really loved it.

It is weird because it is the most impoverished place I have ever been but I never once felt unsafe. People are so respectful of personal space, and grateful of what ever you can offer them.
There are so many people begging and you can’t possibly help everyone but when you decline they are never pushy or rude. As long as you acknowledge them they always wish you good luck and move on-(almost always)

Reminders of the war are everywhere and there are so many people without limbs. Some literally drag themselves along the dirt roads and concrete to get around. But even with such obvious reminders almost no one speaks of the war or the land mines that caused so much destruction to this country and the people.

They want to move on and they are doing the best they can to do so.

Under the surface you can see the dirty parts of what poverty brings. Not to generalize but there is an abundance of over privileged white men with multiple Cambodian girls on their arms. It kind of makes you feel a bit like puking in your mouth.

Despite so many turning a blind eye, you what is going on.

Traveling as a family were always re assured that the girls offering us a massage were never offering ‘boom boom, yum yum’ to us.
Even the words made me shutter. How do you fix this mess?
How could I be so ignorant? How can this really be happening?

Everything about this country seems hard to believe. There is really no tax system. There are banners strung above the streets telling people to say NO to corruption. You can sense a bit of an up rising from the people. They want change.

There is no enforced education system. If you are lucky enough to education it means your parents don’t need you to work.
The health care system is corrupt. When people make 2.50 USD a day and a visit to the government hospital charges 15.00USD a visit basically no one goes.

Most of our what we learned about this country came from the driver we hired to take us to the Cambodian border (WHAT A SHIT SHOW THAT WAS)

I could tell he was in pain as we drove. Finally he told me he couldn’t piss (his words)
I was confused “Is he really telling me he can’t urinate”
He continued to tell me again and again until finally I pointed to his package and he nodded.

“Yes so much pain” he said and then proceeded to tell me how he’d spend a week’s worth of money to go to the doctor and they told him there was nothing wrong. After we stopped for him to pee for the second time in an hour I knew he wasn’t lying.
He told me he hadn’t slept and he had to get up to pee more than 10 times the night before.

He didn’t ask for anything, no more money (our 2. 5 hour cab ride to the border was only 35 USD)
But he told me how he worried that about how he wasn’t able to drive as far as he should be able to and the three families who bought him this car would be in debt if he didn’t get better.

Lucky for him, he picked up the right crew.

We had a bag of medication.

Together we googled the medication I was about to give him (although he didn’t care) and I handed him a 10 day supply of macrobid. I too, am prone to bladder infections and I carry that shit with everywhere. At home a bottle of a 30 day supply is about 20 bucks. Here in Cambodia they can’t even get it and the pain Chai (our driver) complained of probably meant he had a kidney infection on top of his bladder infection so I hope the meds are strong enough to work.

It is these type of things, how the very basic needs of the people aren’t being met that really ‘got’ me.

Chai also owned a rice field. He told us that the cost of his home and one hectare of land was worth 5000 USD but his 1999 Toyota Camry was worth 15,000 USD(cars are very expensive over here) and even though we thought we were were getting a deal for 35.00 USD to the border it was an entire week’s worth of wages in the rice fields.

He felt bad but told us because of his piss problem he couldn’t drive us all the way to Koh Chang.

When I gave him the meds, he almost started to cry, and so did I. He looked at our bag of medication for Logan and he said
“Very lucky”
I explained that Logan had cancer, tumors in the brain and spine. It didn’t phase him. Everyone here had hardships here- we were still very lucky.

I asked Chai tea (as we called him) about the monks and I told him how meaningful my blessing at the temple had been. I told him in detail how the monk I met did a reading for me with cards on my head and how he told me that I didn’t need to worry or fear that I would always be successful. He nodded, but I knew what he was thinking no matter what the monk said, I had already made it.

We passed through small towns and he shared all he could. He told us about having babies in Cambodia, about how hard the work was, about what food they ate and a little bit about what it was like before they opened the borders up in 1998.

He also told us to prepare for the border. He said it was crazy, and “most dangerous last stop”

Two seconds before we arrived we saw a group of about 40 Cambodians dragging a dead body down the road towards the border. They were all screaming the same words over and over again, holding signs in the air. They were obviously outraged about something.

I looked at Chai in shock, he looked back with even more shock than I had.

“Is that person- dead?” I pointed to the poor person with their head covered being dragged along the pavement.
Chai didn’t know what to say-
“Please, I don’t know why they do this..no honor”
We had already seen two funeral processions since being in Cambodia and it was clear although life was hard, they honored the dead in a beautiful way. They carry the bodies through the street in a golden thrown, all the family and friends following and chanting as they walk their loved ones to their final resting place.

This was nothing like that. This poor dead man was being dragged by a small rope tied around his toes, through pot holes and with tug you could see the heaviness of his dead body flailing.

Chai slowed the car to read the signs and told us that he though it was a protest because the government let ‘big companies’ buy the rice fields for a cheap price and the poor people could no longer work and were dying of hunger.

None of us could believe what we had just seen and as we pulled up to the border we were all in a bit of a fog, each one of us repeating “That was a dead body?”

We were quickly shaken from the trauma when the car stopped.

I looked outside and almost shit my pants. We were completely swarmed.

Chai had called ahead to get us a chaperone to get us through the border and order our transport for us on the Thai side.
He told us it would be ‘more better’ to have a chaperone with the babies (2 out of 3 of our kids were 18) thankfully we accepted his offer.

The young buck toothed Cambodian man who got us through the border was our saving grace. For 5.00 USD He threw a tag around our necks and pushed people away from us- shouting the whole time.
He filled out our departure cards and reassured us every step of the way “quickly, quickly- you are fine”

The border at Poipet was the the only time I really felt the deep level of desperation in Cambodia. The buses of tourists had not arrived yet so we had the full attention of everyone who was panhandling or trying to make one last buck before the foreigners (as they call us) left.
It was clear, every single one of them wanted a piece of us.

Jared and the kids jumped out of the car and grabbed the bags quickly, but I hesitated. I had all the money in my pouch and didn’t want to pull out my wad of cash outside the car.
Thank god I waited, because as soon as I opened my door I had no time before people were grabbing me by the arm and pulling me in their direction.
Our buck toothed guide began fighting crowds and pushed us to the front of the line.

“Don’t stop- don’t look” he said. “Walk quickly”
We blazed through the Cambodian border checked out of the country, ran up the stairs to the Thai side got stamped in and and before we knew it were were at Dunkin’ doughnuts.

No shit.
Just like that a few steps, a whole lot of mayhem, and Thailand was like jumping into another planet, one with KFC, clean toilets and paved road ways.

I looked back and felt somewhat guilty for how easy my escape was and sad for the people I could still see just steps away desperate for the ability to escape as easily as I just did.

Jared put his arms around me and encouraged me shrug it off….”It’s OK Jen” He rubbed my shoulder it was time to move on and enjoy Thailand.

He was trying to to stoic but he too was shaken.

As I drove away (with my jelly filled donut in my over privileged hand) I wondered, If I will ever be able to go back to the ignorance I had before Cambodia? I really doubt it.

We were only in Cambodia for 5 days but we truly did do it all. We also seen it all and we left with a better understanding of how lucky we are, simply because of the country we were born in to.
We all agreed that we want to go back to as soon as possible and on our next visit do more to help and give back.
We have even contemplated canceling the fancy portion of our trip to the Westin Koh Samui to go back to Cambodia a week early. We’ll see. Somehow sipping 14 dollar cocktails at a 300 dollar a night resort doesn’t seem as luxurious and amazing as it did when I was sitting at my computer booking our trip from the comfort of my beautiful home.

Now it feels kind of dirty, unnecessary, and almost wrong.

But, that being said, I am on a quest to find balance in my life, both for me and my family.
I want to live a life with as much acceptance and compassion for myself as much as I have for others but the problem is that the pendulum swing of my emotions always get the best of me.
I am an all or nothing kind of girl
So, seeing the people in Cambodia makes me want to cancel the rest of my trip, spend the next few weeks working in a school in some rural town, sleeping on the floor donating all of my money, and eating dirt.

But that is not really the answer either. We are also here to enjoy our vacation, to escape our own hardships.

I know that, I just don’t know what is the answer is and I guess I will be forced to contemplate it over a few dozen Chang beers on a beautiful secluded island

(Side note- so far the wine here is brutal)

Koh Chang here we come!

Working so hard to prepare the fish to sell in the market

Logan with the local children. Where ever she goes, she always loves the children

Dance party on the boat on Tonle Sap lake. Living life in the front row

Sad as it is, it is common to see half naked kids working.

Arriving in Cambodia for the first time was a culture shock for sure. We have travelled to numerous third world countries so I thought I was prepared for what I was going to see in Cambodia, however, nothing could have prepared me. Pictures just don’t do it justice.

Cambodia is super dirty, but as dirty and impoverished as it is (what I have seen of it) it is also stunningly beautiful. There is so much to admire amidst the chaos and chaotic it is.

My God, the chaos is both fascinating and mind boggling.

Pretty normal transportation

.

We arrived in Cambodia via Bejing on Air China at 11pm. First thing we had to do was get our visa. Before leaving Canada I was worried about things like the size of my passport picture and the process of getting the visa. Upon arrival I realized, it was no big deal. As long as you have cash, everything is no big deal.

The airport is basically one big open building. Surprisingly, it is new and beautifully clean. Getting off the plane you are ushered through the  first set of doors to get your visa.
Thirty USD is the cost but this is the first place in Cambodia where they may ask for a bribe of five dollars. If you kindly say no, they will accept it but be prepared to wait longer than usual for your visa.
Since we were the last group to arrive that night, our visa was processed quickly. We watched as one officer loaded stacks of US dollars into a brief case and our passports were literally tossed down the line from one immigration officer to another signing, sticking and stamping our visa.

We were in. Phew.

We thought all was good and we were quite proud of our uneventful arrival to Cambodia until we learned that Air China had lost one of our bags-

Shit- the joys of travel

After filling out all the paper work and hearing that Air China didn’t care about our bag (comforting) we stepped outside to meet our driver. I had pre-arranged someone to pick us up from the airport and although initially I was comforted by the thought of having transportation waiting for us when we arrived, I wouldn’t do it again. The driver charged us 15.00 USD and showed up in a fancy Lexus SUV. We found out later the hotel had a free tuk tuk pick up.

Speaking of our hotel it was amazing. Small, family run nothing fancy. I’d say it was a 3 star by our standards but the GOLDEN MANGO INN was by far one of the very best hotels I have ever stayed in in my life.

Our rooms were clean, the employees were super accommodating and the food was fantastic. It is located about a 10 minute tuk tuk ride from downtown and for 30.00 a night breakfast was included.

We started our trip off in Siem Reap by visiting the infamous pub street. Our ride in the tuk tuk was an adventure in itself. If you are worried about shitting your pants in Cambodia from the food, forget it. You can survive the food, if you are going to shit your pants it is going to be because of trips you take in the tuk tuk.

There is literally no organization to the way people drive. There could be twenty people loaded on a cart behind a tuk tuk six small children on a motorcycle and large trucks with people stacked upon garbage. There are no stop lights, and even the main roads in the the city are still dirt roads.

Everyone communicates with each other by honking their horns and it is stressful as hell to see 45 vehicles coming at you laying on the horn.

They are coming over no matter what, and even if it seems impossible that there is room on the road for them, there is room.

So my only advice is to keep your hands and legs inside at all times.
We loaded 5 of us in the tuk tuk and this was our mode of transportation the whole time we were in Siem Reap. For 2.00 USD you could go anywhere in town.
I have videos to post of us in the tuk tuk. Honestly I still can’t believe how they drive.
I asked what the legal age is to drive- it is 18. I pointed to a 10 year old next to us on a moped- our driver nodded. “It’s no problem”

It is clear that anything goes in Cambodia and that there aren’t many rules but there is in fact many problems. People are so poor. Unbelievable poor to be honest.
I asked one of our drivers what an average salary was for people working in Cambodia and he said “maybe 5 dollars a day but I can tell you that there is a shit load of people who do not make 5 dollars a day.
Google says the average wage is more like 2.50 USD a day and I would say that is more accurate.

To see kids without shoes is common. To see babies without any clothes is even more common and no one ever seems to bat an eye at a tiny toddler baking in the sun without protection.
The children broke my heart of course but it is the elderly that really made me feel sad. When you see an 80 year old man with no shoes, skinny as hell, working in the blazing heat moving hot rock something inside you feels almost ashamed for how good we’ve got it and how much we take for granted, and how we always want more.

There is a documentary by the name of HAPPY. In this documentary it says that your level of happiness is not increased by how much money you have. It says that once your basic needs are met (food, clothing and shelter) you will have the same level of happiness as someone who has much more. It also says that when your basic needs are not met, your level of happiness is substantially less.
It is easy to see this basic concept in Cambodia and it is heartbreaking to see people literally living by rummaging through garbage to survive.

It is hard not to see that the people that make 5.00 a day are substantially happier for the opportunity to just survive.

I learned a lot in my first day in Cambodia-

Fish hanging at the market

Here is what I know.
Shoes are optional anywhere but you can never wear them inside a building, home or temple. Even if your feet are dirtier than your shoes-always take them off.

Clothing is optional for small children- naked babies everywhere

Breakfast sausage is hot dog wieners

Orange juice is Tang

Massages for 2 dollars are worth every single penny

Cambodians speak very good English or at least try.

A ride in a Cambodian tuk tuk will take years off your life

Cambodians don’t know who Ellen is

Everything is a knock off- and the Nike shoes are hand painted.

December is the cool season- and it is fucking hot.

The bathroom situation is not as bad as you think it is going to be. I actually enjoy the sprayer thingy beside the toliet to clean my package. Jared has a germ phobia and is totally disgusted in me for touching that dirty thing….

You say thank you by putting your hands together- and people say thank you for everything.

Everything is one dollar…. and if it is not a dollar, you can get it somewhere else for a dollar.

My first day in Cambodia was a culture shock but I already know that I love this country. I love the innocence of the people, I love the freedom that comes with the lack of rules.

I also know I know nothing about this country which basically makes me just another tourist

Dec 10, 2015

Getting the meds ready for our trip

Holy shitballs! On the road in Cambodia

First drink in Cambodia. Lemon grass mojito and Tiger beer (considered the best beer although we preferred Angkor)

Traveling Southeast Asia has always been a dream of mine. It has been on my bucket list since the year I met Jared. In 2000 his best friends had recently returned from a year of travel and shared with us the many stories they had about Cambodia and Thailand. Both Jared and I made a mental note that one day, when the chance came we too would travel SE Asia. At the time Logan was 3 and we were poorer than most Cambodians so we knew it would be a while before our chance came, but we also knew it would.

Our chance to finally visit these kingdoms have finally arrived, however, it hasn’t been an easy getting here. Having a child with a brain tumor means a lot of preparation to take a month long trip to a third world countries. It was important to Jared and I and to Logan’s oncologist that she was stable with no medication changes or tests for at least six months before we came.
We knew that just getting here was going to be tough enough on Logan, but what was most important to us was that she was feeling well enough to enjoy the trip. Our plan was to see as much as possible, which would mean moving around a lot and carrying all our stuff in  backpacks. No easy feat for Logan.

We also know the risks associated with her disease and we know that any thing can happen at any moment, so we desperately hoped that if she was stable for long enough she would finally qualify for travel insurance on this trip.

Obviously, we have done a lot of traveling and we have never had health insurance for Logan but this time felt different. We were going  very far from home (20 plus hours) and my google searches showed that Cambodian hospitals looked similar to Cambodian prisons both of which we hoped to avoid.

But as the story always goes in the cancer world, nothing went as planned.

About 4 weeks before we were set to leave on this big adventure Logan started getting headaches. Then dizzy spells, and a shaky hand. She started slurring her words and had a far away look in eyes.
We were terrified and our anxiety about the trip was building but we didn’t want to bring any attention to her symptoms. Even Jared and I hardly breathed a word  to each other about what we were seeing with Logan and when we did, we had every excuse, except the obvious one.

“Maybe it is just that she is over tired. She did just start college. Maybe her schedule is too much.”
“Maybe we are just being hypersensitive.”
“Maybe this will pass.”

But every day she seemed to get a little bit worse, and then she took a fall.
Not a regular fall. She had been having one of her ‘episodes’ and was disorientated and off balance so she fell face first into the concrete curb and suddenly she couldn’t hear out of her left ear.
SHIT.
We had to tell someone. We had to call the hospital and see what they thought.
An EEG was booked just to make sure that she wasn’t having new seizures, (apparently she is not) we had blood work, just in case, and a meeting with our oncologist. It was decided that one of Logan’s medications should be increased- because after all she still does have a brain tumor and a whole lot of problems because of it. Maybe the dose of medication she was on, she had simply outgrown.

AND SHIT
just like that NO travel insurance.

So, We had a decision to make- To Cambodia or To not Cambodia?
We had only a few days to decide. Our oncologist assured us Logan’s neurological exam looked stable from our last visit so she didn’t think the tumor was growing, but if anything did happened she had confidence in the medical system in Singapore.

SHIT- Singapore is not in the budget but thanks for the suggestion Juliette

So, we left the hospital and did what any rational oncology family would do.

We packed our bags.

The flight was never ending. We flew via Bejing and arrived almost 20 hours and 2 days after we departed- so weird.

We arrived here tired, worried and still a bit uncertain about our decision to do this trip.
When they advised us that our adjoining rooms were not available and Logan and her friend would be down the hall from us the same word came to mind.
SHIT
But today as I type from my small garden patio with margarita in hand, my worry seems very far away (20 hours to exact). She is still having a few headaches and dizzy spells but the increase in medication has helped, and if we have to up it again we will.  All in all she is doing well, she rallied thought the long travel day and is loving Cambodia as much as the rest of us.

Today, we took a 4 hour tuk tuk ride today to a village built on stilts along the Tonle Sap lake (blog to follow). To see the impossible circumstances these poor people live every day and I am reminded how lucky we are. Having a child with brain cancer is not lucky by any means, but we do live in a country where she receives care and  treatment for her disease. We do have medication in hand, and we do have the means to take these vacations. We are beyond lucky.
Looking around this country is not hard to see that if Logan was born here, she would have never survived.

I am beyond humbled by the beauty of the people I have met so far. They literally have nothing, (by our standards) yet they seem to have so much more than we do at the same time.
Almost every single person I have encountered has been happy. The children all smile and wave at us and the adults nod with simple manners and kindness. If you give anything to a local, tip or gift, they always put their hands together, bow their heads and not only thank you but wish you good luck.
I guess this is what acceptance looks like.
Cambodia is a bit like Mexico, but so not like Mexico at the same time. Less pushy sales people. Less aggression, the people seem much more respectful and things are much cheaper than Mexico.

Having said that, I am pretty sure I have been scammed a couple times already, but with only 2 dollars on the line, I could care less.

Actually, I could care less about anything right now. Which is exactly why coming to Cambodia was the perfect choice.

Cambodia, so far, has given me perspective that it could be a lot worse than traveling in this beautiful country with a bag full of meds and a kid who is having dizzy spells.

It could always be worse. We know that, we live the ‘what if’  every single day. We think about how our lives would be everyday if we had lost Logan, and so, that is the reason we do travel. Because we were given a second chance.

Sometimes we wonder if we are living on borrowed time- which is kind of funny because we all are,  but we don’t want to waste it away worrying about if the cancer grows again. We want to seize these stolen moments and ‘Take it all in Russ’.

Pub street here come.

One small private island in the Algarves. Portugal is the bomb!

Lagos was gorgeous

Perfect island home in Portugal

August 2011

There have been so many moments on this trip when I feel like someone should come along and pinch me.

I have to pause and take it all in because it almost seems surreal, like I am in a dream…
Am I really sitting at a little table in the south of Spain drinking blanco sangria listening to this perfect musician playing the accordion? Or watching the flamenco dancers so passionately and aggressively expressing themselves through their dance in a tiny show theatre on some random side street?
Could it be possible that I am in one of the 3 biggest cathedrals in the world?
And are my eyes failing me? Or is that pair of Italian leather shoes really only 15 euro?

I love this place

And then there are the moments when someone needs to slap me….or at the very least drug me…
I don’t know what I thought renting a car in the south of Spain and driving to Portugal was going to be like….but I am sure I wasn’t thinking it was going to be as intense as it actually was.

Or maybe I wasn’t thinking at all….

Arriving in Spain, we quickly realized that our budget 100 euro Hotwire special priced car wasn’t going to be big enough to accommodate our 133lbs of dual zipping Oakley luggage.
No problem, we will upgrade.
Jared reassured me that he didn’t care about the cost… We needed a trunk and wanted to be able to stop along the way to see the sights….so on the morning of pick up we’d make it happen. Another 250 euros or not we were getting something bigger to travel in than a vespa on 4 wheels.

So, we arrived at the airport at 8am with good intentions…but sadly couldn’t even find our car rental wicket. We ere instructed to sit in the arrivals terminal and wait for someone with a cardboard sign to pick us up. WTF?

Well after an hour or so of waiting finally someone came….but there was only one car in all of Seville for us….and of course it was only the size of a jellybean! I tried to explain that it wouldn’t work for us that I was worried about getting in an accident since we had so much luggage we couldn’t see out the windows.
“no problem” I was told…you crash the car we don’t care….just return it in the parking lot of the airport with the doors open and the keys under the seat” again WTF.? Wish I’d know that key piece of information before I paid for my booking because maybe I could have found a car with a trunk myself….for free….they probably wouldn’t even know

So off we went literally crammed and completely weighed down in a little mini car…. Think…Griswalds…but worse.

Oh well, who cares, leg room or not….. we were off to Portugal….and if we bottomed out a few times in the potholes it doesn’t matter we’ve been instructed that they don’t give a shit about the car anyhow…..(let alone us). So, with Jared behind the wheel, me holding on for dear life in the passengers seat and our two little children wedged in between backpacks in half of a back seat we headed out towards the border.

To bad we couldn’t find our way out of the city.

Again WTF!!!! Yep just as you’d picture in the TV show AMAZING RACE, we were lost, frazzled, couldn’t read the map, or understand any of the directions in spanish, yet neither one of us would admit defeat.

Down one street only to pop up a few minutes later realizing we’d done a complete circle. There is no rime or reason to the traffic flow in city built 700 years ago and if you don’t live there you can’t begin to understand the rules of the road.

Traffic circles where none really yields…. Motor bikes and horses and street bikes and horns…add in that your in a car that is the size of a small cantaloupe with a manual gear shift and two kids bickering in the backseat eating Cheetos that smell like barf…..one of which was having the odd small seizure …..and well I was close to losing my mind.

What should have been 4 turns to the freeway took us 2.5 hours to achieve….
It took forever, but once we finally found our way we raced towards paradise, passing gas stations, forgoing the need to pee and in true AMAZING RACE style we made it to the Algarve’s.
Even more awesome, we found some random side street with the pharmacy written on our map as the location to our accommodations….pulled into the only parking spot we’d seen for at least a good 10 miles (sideways and on the curb) and smiled at each other fist pumping and a high fiving like we were just told…..”Jenny and Jared YOU are team #1!!!”

Portugal is amazing!
Better than I ever could have dreamed, with each stop we make more breathtaking than the last. Our friends The Davidsons and the Mackies and their parents Suzy and Manuel have been great hosts, putting us up in a perfect little apartment situated right on the most stunning beach in Quarteira. It seems to be the perfect location as it is packed with people…and I completely understand why each year they have a desire to come home. It’s lovely! The Aparment is quaint and comfortable and if I ever had a place here I think it would be in the same location…..close to the pharmacy, the gelato shop and of course, liquor store.

Before I even came here I knew that I had to go to a restaurant known as the best chicken place in the world. Along with hearing the stories about the food from Simone and Larry, my hairdresser, who is also portuguese, also told me I had to go… And for good reason. I wish i could find words to explain the flavor….but lets just say i sucked every bone clean…and Jared ate with his fingers…both of which never really happen…lol!

It was the start of them sharing all of their little secrets about this paradise. The next one was the island.

The island of Farol.

It’s like nothing I can even explain. Simone thinks it’s like camping…but for me, it kinda reminds me of the the country club from the movie dirty dancing. Except for it’s not a country club and it has the most fabulous beaches ever…and instead of a fancy shmancy club house it has a beach bar and a lighthouse, but it’s exclusive. Most of the people who have been coming here have been coming to the island for decades, their grandparents started going as squatters and it has slowly built into a small community of single story white washed adobe houses. They pay no taxes to be here, it is public land, which astounds me because it is so pristine and valuable that it is almost a miracle that some big wealthy corporation hasn’t bought it up and converted it into an even more exclusive, all inclusive 5 star resort.
You have to take an old fashion ferry or water taxi to get to the island and everything that you bring on you need to take off with you when you leave. Island life is simple. The electricity was only hooked up 5 years ago and the water they use throughout the summer months is an accumulation of the rain water they gather during the winter months in a giant tank on the roof of their house.

Fig and Suzy have unit 177. Which is fitting because that is approximately how many steps it takes to reach the crystal clear waters and endless miles of beach.
I love the island. I imagine heaven will be something very similar to this place or at least I hope it is.

And I hope they serve sardines….(surprisingly they are so good!) and lots of wine to wash down all the delicious food, like they do here. I definitely want to make my way back to the island one day….heck I want to figure out a way to become an exclusive full time squatter their.

Oh and then there is Lagos….amazing! Picture the rock formations of Cabo San Lucas and then times them by 20 and add a hundred different shades of green and blue and turquoise waters. It takes more than a 100 steps down a steep staircase to reach the bottom of the cliffs to the beach but the trek is well worth it. The water is clean and fresh and if you can’t find a place to put your umbrella on the crowded beach you can find shade in one of the many little caves that outline the sand.

We took a boat ride through all the rock formations and floated in the saltwater. We laid in the sun and people watched…..they come from all over Europe to bathe in the 40 degree weather, baring their breasts like free spirits, and I can understand why….it is so unlike any other place in the world I’ve seen. I am definitely coming back here one day…and next time I might even go topless myself!

Albufeira reminded me a little bit of Venice beach in California….busy and bustling with lots of little shops and restaurants lining the packed pristine beaches. The views from the top of the cliffs are so breathtaking that it almost seems impossible something could be built so perfectly. We didn’t get enough time there to fully explore it but we left just enough of a taste that we knew we’d have to come back again.

So far that has been the best part of this trip….we’ve got a glimpse of so many great places, so many beautiful people and been able to do many amazing things it seems like it can’t get any better.

It reminds me of how life truly is the ying and the yang. Sometimes it’s hard and challenging and sometimes it’s so completely incredible that you can’t quite take it all in. Almost like looking out into the ocean and realizing that you are almost as insignificant as a measly grain of sand.
But enough about my analogies on life. I only leave you with advice…..If you come to Portugal make sure you drive from Spain. Part of the fun is getting lost in the side streets….but rent a bigger car than you think so you can fill it with good luck roosters (even though gas is 1.63 euros a liter)and find yourself a friend from Portugal to show you it’s beauty. It’s the best way to see it….not to mention it helps to to have a translator! Without them, my coffee would have always been to strong…I would have always paid too much and I’d never have been able to order that extra and absolutely necessary finger linking chicken at the best chicken place in the world….

Off to italy!