The title of this blog is ‘Life all over the map‘ because it feels symbolic.
Our life has become a quest to cross off our individual must see’s and experience all the world has to offer together while desperately trying to forget the reality that our child lives with a brain tumour.

Today, however, was a day I was reminded.

Living with cancer means you are always just one shitty symptom away from a trip to the hospital.
Upon arrival to the clinic today Logan’s oncologist asked me if I had a sun burn.

She knows we like to push the limit on how far we travel and probably just wanted to make sure Logan’s symptoms weren’t related to some new strain of the Zika virus.

I assured her.

My redness was hives.

The kind that still manifests even after 11 years of taking your child to the same damn cancer clinic.

It doesn’t get easier.

We did all the tests.
Bloodwork, urine, touch my finger, touch your nose, walk in a straight line, mumble strange sounds.

Dr. Hukin kindly asked very specific questions to Logan about dates and time frames. Likely forgetting that memory is not Logan’s strong suit while obviously overlooking the fact that when you feel shitty for so long- the hours turn into days, the days into weeks, and before long time becomes irrelevant.

We told her everything. Dizzy. Tired. Headaches. Pressure behind the eyes, shaky hands, weakeness, nausea, hoarseness in her voice. Tired. Weight loss, stomach pain. Tired.

She checked her notes.

Laying down she was ok but standing up her blood pressure bottomed out.

Not good.

The last time this happened the tumours were growing but neither of us mentioned it.
You see, with cancer, past performance does not always dictate future behaviour.
It’s random.
Things don’t always make sense so neither of us mentioned doing another scan.
Just yet.
It’s only been three months since her last one and we have lowered the dose of one of her medications so without really saying anything out loud we decide on a plan.

Some IV fluids today, go back up to her original dose of medication and come back in next week.

Logan agreed on the plan and then encouraged me to go to Starbucks.

First thing I noticed when I got back is that she let the ‘new to us’ nurse access her only good vein.
Smart kid.

I told Alan (the not so new nurse) that no one was was allowed to use that vein. He assured me next time he’d shave Logan’s head and find one closer to the primary site.

I am pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me too.

I deserved it. I was in a full state of ‘cancer mom’ anxiety and ready to rip into someone simply because there is nothing I can do about all of this and I hate it.

Being out of control. Being so vulnerable, afraid, and so fucking tired is hard but a’life all over the map‘ is like that. There is no slack and it’s full of rugged terrain and uncharted territories.

One day you are planning a trip to Laos (I planned on sharing this with Logan’s medical team next week😉) and the next you are talking yourself off a ledge and chanting a million silent excuses as to why you shouldn’t beat yourself up, how you didn’t know (even though you should by now) and reminding yourself how next time you will promise to come in earlier.

Because even after 11 years- the truth is- you never really get any better at this.

September IS childhood cancer awareness month but the reality is every month IS September for us and so many other families. 😘