FINALLY!!!! TODAY marks the beginning of the last week of radiation- or so we thought.

 It is not off to a great start and we can’t wait for this bloody treatment to be over.

Loggie has had a crappy weekend and despite the good preliminary results from the bone scan, her pain is not getting any better, it is getting worse.

Today, the radiation tech’s couldn’t get her lined up. They couldn’t get her spine straight.

They took some x-rays and then called me in to ask a few questions about her pain. It is clear on the x-ray that where her pain is, her spine is veering to the left with a curve.

I asked point blank if they thought the spine actually looked curved or if they thought there was tumor on the spine.

“I don’t know” they responded. They called the doctor. Unfortunately Dr.Goddard wasn’t available so it was a different oncologist who came to weigh in. He had no answers so the tech cancelled Logan’s treatment until she can discuss with Dr. Goddard about getting an MRI.

Just as we were about to leave the cancer agency when suddenly Logan’s legs again went numb and she couldn’t walk. This time it lasted almost 5 minutes.

The tech stayed with us just to be sure we were alright. When Logan felt she was strong enough we got up and started to make our way to the elevator. All of the sudden she collapsed. Luckily,there was a stretcher in the hall of the clinic and we laid her down.

“I can’t see” she screamed

“What????” I started screaming as well. The tech came running

“I can’t see” Logan said and she had a few tears in her eyes. “I can hear you but I can’t see anything.”

I started shaking, another tech came and wrapped both Logan an I in warm blankets.

We laid on the stretcher for a few more minutes and it suddenly Logan told us she could start to see blurry images again.

FUCK that was scary.

“Sorry for freaking out” I said to Loggie, “you really scared me” I felt so bad for my reaction.

“Scared you?” she replied rather calm and collected considering what had just happened. “Try going blind- It is freaky.”

We got in the car and immediately drove to Children’s. Brenda (our nurse) calmed us down and ordered blood work. Our oncologist wasn’t available so we were checked out by a resident we’ve never met and sent home. We go back tomorrow.

By the time we got home Logan had developed another terrible headache. Another call to the hospital and 45mg of codeine later her pain is under control. She is sitting beside me as I type with  a hot cloth on her head. All these symptoms are getting worse it seem, she has at least one bad headache every day now.

Again all  I want is a glass of damn wine. However we are on high alert. After what happened at the agency today if we can’t get the pain under control in the next 2 hours we have to bring to stay the night at the hospital. They will transport her to radiation form there in the morning if need be

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be better to be admitted, all this back and forth is really difficult. We live about an hour and a half from the hospital, no trips in are quick trips. 

UGGG! I am so stressed out today.

I could hardly breath after I got home today. The ‘I can’t see’ episode and the inability to do radiation today has increased my anxiety by a zillion percent.  

On a positive note my house is now spotless. STRESS + ANXIETY in JENNY= CLEAN HOUSE.

Maui is also only 6 days away!!! And Loggie assures me she is going to pull through- I can’t see how. Most people getting ready to go on a trip like this would be super excited, packing, planning. Me I am just sitting here paralyzed with worry. I can’t even believe we are actually planning on going.

I don’t want to take it way from her. The hope of this trip is the only reason she is coping at this point. She has something looking forward to- to work towards. But 6 days away, we still have 5 days of radiation and today she couldn’t see—–I just can’t picture us making it.

Loggie keeps telling me to close my eyes and picture the sand and the palm tree’s and feel the sun on my face. She says that is what she does every time she is in the radiation tube bolted down with her head in her cast.

I can’t… just thinking of it all….I cry.

So instead I try to be funny. I have a sick sense of humor, so I told her that her visualization must be working because every time she comes out of the machine she is a little bit more sun burned.

She doesn’t think it is as funny as I do.

What is funny though, is Brody. My patience with him has been very limited lately and last night was the final straw. He wouldn’t eat dinner. I sent him to his room. After a few moments he came down stairs and I asked him if he’d like to talk about his behavior. I started to tell him that he was not being a very good boy and that I was angry and frustrated with him. I told him he was grounded from guitar hero (which he loves) and asked him if there was anything he wanted for himself.

I thought he was going to say he was sorry.

Instead he replied ” I welcome to hear what you have to say about me”

WHAT???? Both Jared and I nearly fell off our chairs!

What a lesson. Imagine if every time someone was unhappy with us we responded with “I welcome to hear what you say about me” instead responding in anger.

How profound our little Brody is.

I wonder where on earth he came up with that? God only knows Jared and I don’t communicate that effectively….we use a lot more four letter words.

So I pose the question If you ask for courage to continue on do you think God just hands over courage?

No- he doesn’t but I think he presents the opportunity to be courageous. Kind of in the same sort of way that Brody says “I welcome to hear to what you have to say about me”