May 16, 2008 11:04pm
Today is a better day. I Wasn’t woken up because I was urinated on. Instead I woke up completely sideways across my empty king sized bed, mouth open, content from a great dream. Oh the beauty of a sleeping pill, glass of wine and a crying jag.
Jared said that when he came to bed last night around midnight it was clear that I needed the bed to myself. Sleep doesn’t always come easily for me and he wasn’t letting the snoring go to waste.
He slept on the couch.
It was exactly what I needed. I woke up today to a much better day.
Refreshed. I am able to let yesterday go and move forward. I don’t have a choice. Stay strong is the only option. Cancer can wreck our day but it is not going to wreck our life.
We packed our bags and set out for a weekend in the Okanagan. Got the call around Hope that my dad has a sore throat. So we turned around and came home. We can’t risk it for Loggie, 2 weeks post radiation and 2 weeks until Chemo and no counts.
We have a lot to get done around the house but chores on a long weekend sucks!!!
I made Jared promise that the whole weekend wouldn’t be work and he agreed.
We are venturing out on the boat for the first time this year tomorrow, and looking forward to it. There is nothing more peaceful than being out on the water. Good compromise.
I wanted to thank you all for the nice messages yesterday. Yes times get tough sometimes.
I want you all to know that I don’t blog because I want sympathy but more so because I just have no where else to put it. There is this whole ‘other’ side of cancer, and I think it needs to be shared. It is just too hard to keep bottled up inside. So thank you for listening and sticking with us despite the sad words. I can imagine it gets kind of dreary to hear day after day all of our trials (the time right now is 11:11 by the way) but I also hope that it gives you some happiness to share our victories. This blog is like purging. When I write, I can let it go. The way I see it, it is either blogging or rehab. Blogging seems like the healthier option.
The truth is cancer is sad and hard and some times we struggle to keep our heads above water, but mostly we are OK. We are not losing our minds, we are making it though. Truly we are. We may be forced to take one step backwards but we always find a way to move forward.
It is because of Logan. Loggie is strong, stronger than we all are most times and she keeps us on track. I hate cancer…I hate cancer….I hate cancer.
That is all, it is just that sometimes I hate cancer so much and I just want it to go away so bad that I just want to absolutely freak out and lose my mind, tear out my own hair (oh except I don’t have any) and chew off my own arm (ok maybe not but you get my point).
Being committed to anything for 3 years day in and day out is very hard. Especially something difficult and negative and ugly like cancer.
I thought about how much endurance cancer takes today as I drove home from our cancelled weekend. I realized in my own disappointment that most things in our life are uncertain always rearranged or cancelled and that we all continue on because we are not committed to cancer we are committed to Logan and we are going to get through this.
It is just never the way we think we are. That is all.
Missing out on things and the worry and the sadness is all worth it, because the pay off is that she is still here. Period.
Memories of the good will always be the ones I always remember not the fact that I didn’t get to go to Princeton on May long weekend 2008. One day I bet I won’t even remember the bad days cancer gave us. One day when we aren’t drowning in all the chaos, all we will remember is the good.
I wish I could do it all, but right now I can’t. I miss everything about a regular normal life so much. I miss everyone so much but this just is what it is at this point.
So with all plans cancelled it means we are free. To make our own plans, and our own fun for the weekend. Water park today, planting flowers, painting, dinner at the Vanderguliks, boating, eating crab with the Davidsons…cleaning up our yard for you all to come celebrate the Childrun BBQ.
It is all good.
We didn’t get pissed on today and that made it a better day.
Some times all you can do is own your wins.
Happy May long weekend and I will keep you all posted
Lots of Love
Jen
