Making our way to Spain

Seville Spain 2011 First day- SHOPPING!

Taking a break- this was taking outside of a cathedral in spain

Our little Matador

The family in the south of Spain.

August 3 2011
In my mind there has always been something romantic and glamourous about the thought of traveling. I’ve always pictured myself somehow gliding through Europe, gracefully stopping to see the sights.

Well, was I in for a shock on this trip! Although,so far it’s been amazing, it’s also been a lot of back breaking work. Lugging 133lbs of suitcases, 3 backpacks, and 2kids through the maze of planes, trains and automobiles has been somewhat of a challenge.
Add not speaking the language here in Spain and my inherent need to be polite I am finding myself very frustrated at times. (that is it I am learning Spanish)
Having said that, it has been good developing my patience and beyond amazing to say the least!

Our last day in London was grand! Although we weren’t fortunate enough to get a ticket into buckingham palace to see Kate’s dress (the tickets were sold out before we even arrived in London) we were able to take a 2 hour guided tour of Westminster Abbey. That place was astonishing!!! I am not religious but was mesmerized by the history and the impact the church has had and still has on the English culture. I cried (yes actual tears) when I saw the picture of Kate being walked down the aisle of the Abbey by her father. It’s hard to imagine what an honor it would be to have your marriage blessed in such a place. In 600 years only 15 marriages have taken place in those magnificent walls.

We stopped to pray and light a few candles, one for Loggie and one for our close friend Reid and again I couldn’t hold back the tears…amazing to think of the collective energy of so many prayers in one place. Religious or not, I felt closer to god.

From there we moved on to another one of gods great creations, Oxford Circus …shopping heaven!
Brody is now looking very English in his red skinny jeans and cardigans…the style here is very different than what we have at home. I reckon in a years time we will all be wearing our old cut off levis jeans with black nylons underneath…..just a tip, you’d better hit up the thrift shops now.

We finished our stay by watching Wicked at the Apollo theatre….well half of it anyhow. By intermission both kids had fallen asleep in their seats and since we had a 7 am flight to Seville we decided to head out early. I was disappointed to leave, the show was remarkable but in the end it was a good thing we did since our 45 minute cab ride to the airport took us nearly 3.5 hours!

Yes, just our luck we got a cabbie who didn’t speak and couldn’t read any English on his GPS. Jared thinks we were close to France and probably could have just drove to Spain since we were so far away from the airport!
He ran a red light, which got us pulled over by the police (who happened to be traveling to Vancouver himself that week) and in the end it was Jared who found our hotel and the airport with only 4 hours to spare before we had to check in. Thank god I woke him up to navigate.

Our adventure to Spain didn’t end there! We flew Ryan air… and for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure let me share with you why the flights are only 8 pounds….because it’s a gamble if you will even get on the flight.
It is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, what a gong show! Hundreds of people lined up with no idea what they are doing. Screaming and hollering about being charged ridiculous fees for baggage overages and forgetting to print their boarding passes. People crying and begging and pleading and agents who have learned to become nothing less than callus. For 8 pounds you get a seat on the plane, but nothing else! I have never been so panicked about missing a flight in my life….we arrived 2 hours prior as instructed on our boarding passes and were literally running to the gate during the final boarding call.
But all that matters is we made it! Seville is amazing! The main shopping area is blocks and blocks of narrow streets with colorful buildings and tiny balconies above head reminding us of the history here and the days when the early inhabitants probably just tossed there waste into the street. It is a bustling center built around a magnificent cathedral. The streets are lined with tapas bars and patios serving the best sangria imaginable. It’s a relaxed life…from 3-5 every day people siesta….and every local coffee shop and watering hole is packed with people looking to recharge for their evening shifts. The scenery is beautiful….and so are the people…tall, dark and handsome are everywhere, and I am sure Jared would attest to seeing a few stunning senioritas himself.

We took a horse drawn carriage ride through the city and wandered through the shops in search of the perfect leather shoes, there are more shoe stores here than any place I’ve evert been.
It’s 35 degrees today and Seville is known as the 2nd hottest place in Europe…we are lounging poolside for a few hours today before we head out to explore the cathedral and the flamenco dancers.

It’s hard to believe it is only Day 5 on our trip with 21 more to go, it seems like I’ve seen more culture in these few short days than I have in my whole life. I am loving it all! And other than the few times a day where Loggie has a seizure we’ve almost forgotten about our new situation. The spells are quickly becoming part of our everyday normal…we have a system…Loggie sees the flashing lights and I stop to hold her in my arms while she goes limp or gets dizzy and has a little twitch. Usually it happens in an area where I can pause and take in a few of the outstanding sights…and only once on a crosswalk in the middle of traffic so i guess we are doing ok!

And every time she has one Brody being his little joking self pauses to say….”oh Loggie’s just had a seizure and one mom needs a ceasar!” what a kid…..and how thoughtful of him but for now I think I’ll stick to the sangria!

Cheers and much love to all!

Never give up

We will always miss you Spence.

May 21, 2008 9:26pm

May 20th
Cancer means some days are good, and some days are bad. Today was one of the worst days. Today we found out that we lost a dear friend.
Spencer Dolling was such an amazing and super cool kid.

Spencer was Logan’s first real ‘crush’

These two spent hours together in the clinic and on the ward at the hospital getting treatment together but that is not the reason they became friends. They connected simply because they just liked each other, well, and because they both were fiercely competitive skip-bo players.
Spence was strong and brave and all the things you say about a kid with cancer, but he was also just a fun normal boy. Everyone at the hospital loved him and his family. They had a contagious zest for life that so many admired. If you can imagine they made coming to the hospital to get chemotherapy fun.
Spence had neuroblastoma which is a terribly painful type of cancer but spencer never became his cancer. Instead he lived, though the pain, through the treatment, and in his own words “except for cancer, I have a pretty great life”
He is the one who inspired Logan to be strong, and live to be more than her cancer. So many times when Logan would see Spenc she would comment on how he had been doing treatment for 6 years and how she’d only been doing it for 3 years so she shouldn’t complain because Spencer didn’t.

A few weeks ago when he was admitted and we weren’t we went to see him. Radiation has meant that we haven’t had our regular visits with the Dolling’s and I could tell Logan was missing Spencer.
When we got to the room I noticed that Logan wasn’t talking much with Spencer and Spenc was feeling pretty darn glum. So when we left the room I asked Logan if she was nervous because Spencer was so sick now.

She casually nodded in a knowing way “he didn’t need me to talk mom, he just needed to know I was there”

That is how they have always been with each other. Sometimes they’d spend the whole afternoon together and barely even speak except for a few snickers over SKIP-BO but not in an awkward pre teen way, more so in an ‘I’m here for you, you don’t have to be anything’ kind of way. True friendship

It was more than just a childhood crush, there was wisdom in the silence these two shared. They knew exactly how to accept their circumstances and be comfortable around each other.

One time when I was joking with Logan about marrying Spencer and having a crush on him, she laughed “well at least we have seen each other at our worst”

I laughed. GOOD POINT. You most definitely have, and still loved.

Spencer was a true reflection of his family, who I have to say are the most amazing people ever. I actually am a bit of a Dolling groupie to be honest. In fact, had I never me the Dolling’s I would have probably would have never began to blog, or stop feeling sorry for myself and our situation for that matter.

This is a family that stole every good moment they could. They made the very best of every day, no matter what they day brought them. They made Hawaiian drink on the ward on the first sunny day of year. Cooked pumpkin pies on Thanksgiving, sailed away into the sunset every chance they could and assured us that it was alright to take all of our holidays without ever feeling guilty.

Basically they showed us how to live and create happiness in a very difficult situation and for that I am forever grateful.

I think they have the proper life perspective nailed. I know that we are better people and a better family for knowing them and I am so proud that Logan and Spencer were friends.

Logan is heartbroken. Today has been hard on her. We had a lot of questions today. Not just from her but Brody too. God love him, he is learning hard lessons in life far too early and he doesn’t quite understand it all but Loggie summed up our sadness by asking “would you ever give up being sad about losing Spencer if it meant that you never got to know him or his family at all?”

Of course we all agreed not for one single second.

Sadness comes when you love someone. It is impossible not to feel heartbroken when you lose someone you care about and you know those who were closest to him are in pain. We love the Dolling’s, We are so inspired by them and we feel like they have almost become like our family over this last 3 years. Our hospital family.
As Logan has explained “they just need to know we are there”

My only hope today is that they do.

It has been a hard day. It is close to home, considering out last few visits to the hospital, but it has also been a wake up call.
Life is precious and whether you live to be 12 or you live to be 100 live is short. So I am going to make Shirley temples (ok let’s be honest they will be spiked) on sunny days and be more spontaneous. We will honor spence by living like the Dollings showed us, by having fun and never giving up.

So get ready for your first umbrella drink in honor of the Dolling’s at our BBQ.

Loggie decided today 2 things. First off she wants to put a picture of Spencer on our T-shirts for the childrun to honor him. We will run for you Spence!

Next off she wants to plant a tree that flowers in our front yard and get a plaque. It will be for both Spence and Makoda and every time it flowers it will remind us of them. She wants ladybug garden ornaments around it.

So that is what we will do.

It is with Love I send this to you tonight, Hold this family in your prayers and send love to Loggie tonight too as she struggles with her broken heart.

First day back at school

May 20, 2008 8:59pm

It is the start of another week off treatment!!! It still seems weird to not have to get up and head out every morning on the 111 km round trip to downtown but we are loving it and so is my poor car. It needs a fan belt, a tune up and probably just a rest.

The weekend turned out to be GREAT despite our cancelled plans. We went out on the ocean, toured up to Whistler for the day with the girls, ate tons of good food, and got to catch up with alot of people we hadn’t seen in a long time.

It was relaxing and fun! Loggie did fairly well all weekend. She was so tired last night that she ended up in bed at 6:30 but I think it was overload of FUN exhaustion and not cancer tired, so that makes my heart full.

She started the week off by going to school once again. She was so happy to be able to go. Traffic was a bit busy and she was a tad late. I blamed it on the rain, thunder and lightening and not the fact that we are just totally out of the routine of getting to school on time.

I am going to spend the week planning a party. I feel like it is time to celebrate. We need a party. We all actually can’t wait and are very excited that so many of you have joined our team and are coming out to support us CRAZY FUNKY ANGELS!!!!

Should be a good and busy weekend! I’d better get to work

Better days begin with not being pissed on

May 16, 2008 11:04pm

Today is a better day. I Wasn’t woken up because I was urinated on. Instead I woke up completely sideways across my empty king sized bed, mouth open, content from a great dream. Oh the beauty of a sleeping pill, glass of wine and a crying jag.

Jared said that when he came to bed last night around midnight it was clear that I needed the bed to myself. Sleep doesn’t always come easily for me and he wasn’t letting the snoring go to waste.

He slept on the couch.

It was exactly what I needed. I woke up today to a much better day.
Refreshed. I am able to let yesterday go and move forward. I don’t have a choice. Stay strong is the only option. Cancer can wreck our day but it is not going to wreck our life.
We packed our bags and set out for a weekend in the Okanagan. Got the call around Hope that my dad has a sore throat. So we turned around and came home. We can’t risk it for Loggie, 2 weeks post radiation and 2 weeks until Chemo and no counts.

We have a lot to get done around the house but chores on a long weekend sucks!!!
I made Jared promise that the whole weekend wouldn’t be work and he agreed.
We are venturing out on the boat for the first time this year tomorrow, and looking forward to it. There is nothing more peaceful than being out on the water. Good compromise.

I wanted to thank you all for the nice messages yesterday. Yes times get tough sometimes.

I want you all to know that I don’t blog because I want sympathy but more so because I just have no where else to put it. There is this whole ‘other’ side of cancer, and I think it needs to be shared. It is just too hard to keep bottled up inside. So thank you for listening and sticking with us despite the sad words. I can imagine it gets kind of dreary to hear day after day all of our trials (the time right now is 11:11 by the way) but I also hope that it gives you some happiness to share our victories. This blog is like purging. When I write, I can let it go. The way I see it, it is either blogging or rehab. Blogging seems like the healthier option.

The truth is cancer is sad and hard and some times we struggle to keep our heads above water, but mostly we are OK. We are not losing our minds, we are making it though. Truly we are. We may be forced to take one step backwards but we always find a way to move forward.
It is because of Logan. Loggie is strong, stronger than we all are most times and she keeps us on track. I hate cancer…I hate cancer….I hate cancer.

That is all, it is just that sometimes I hate cancer so much and I just want it to go away so bad that I just want to absolutely freak out and lose my mind, tear out my own hair (oh except I don’t have any) and chew off my own arm (ok maybe not but you get my point).
Being committed to anything for 3 years day in and day out is very hard. Especially something difficult and negative and ugly like cancer.

I thought about how much endurance cancer takes today as I drove home from our cancelled weekend. I realized in my own disappointment that most things in our life are uncertain always rearranged or cancelled and that we all continue on because we are not committed to cancer we are committed to Logan and we are going to get through this.

It is just never the way we think we are. That is all.

Missing out on things and the worry and the sadness is all worth it, because the pay off is that she is still here. Period.
Memories of the good will always be the ones I always remember not the fact that I didn’t get to go to Princeton on May long weekend 2008. One day I bet I won’t even remember the bad days cancer gave us. One day when we aren’t drowning in all the chaos, all we will remember is the good.
I wish I could do it all, but right now I can’t. I miss everything about a regular normal life so much. I miss everyone so much but this just is what it is at this point.

So with all plans cancelled it means we are free. To make our own plans, and our own fun for the weekend. Water park today, planting flowers, painting, dinner at the Vanderguliks, boating, eating crab with the Davidsons…cleaning up our yard for you all to come celebrate the Childrun BBQ.

It is all good.
We didn’t get pissed on today and that made it a better day.
Some times all you can do is own your wins.

Happy May long weekend and I will keep you all posted

Lots of Love
Jen

Dog piss kind of day

May 15, 2008 6:21pm
So I woke up today and my dog had pissed on me.
No kidding.
6:30 am and Loggie woke me up to tell me that she thought her feeding tube came undone and was leaking. She pointed out that we were both wet.
Turns out instead it wasn’t stomach acid or last nights dinner, instead our dog Jersey had urinated on us.

I am sure you can imagine how impressed I was.
The dog knew right away that she would be banished to sleeping in the garage and ran to hide from my wrath.
My day began with the washing of all our linens, and clothing and bodies.

I couldn’t believe it, but I knew it was a sign. This was going to be a shitty day.
I took a big deep breath and sarcastically thanked god in advance for the warning.

We had appointments at the hospital today. Loggie had a dexa scan to see the extent of her bone deterioration and then we met with our oncologist to talk about Loggies condition.

Dr. Hukin was also a bit alarmed with the continuation of the “leg and I can’t see episodes”. She is concerned and wants to try to give Loggie a mega dose of Dex (the steriod we don’t like) to see if it will be enough to cause the swelling to come down in the brain and the episodes to stop. She hasn’t had one of her “episodes” in the last couple of days though and when I explained to Dr. Hukin the irregularity of these episodes she too seemed confused.

“They are happening more often,” I told her, ” but not everyday, having said that when she does get one it is almost certain that she will get 3 or 4 more to follow that day”

She consulted with another doctor and they agreed that it would be a good idea to rule out the possibility that she could be beginning to get seizures. An EEG is being booked for the next week or so.

The obvious question came up about whether or not she believed this was a result of tumor progression. Of course she couldn’t answer it.

I hate the dance around questions. Sometimes I feel like our oncologist is more like a politician than a doctor, so I asked her straight out if she had catagorized Logan as being palliative.

Again she danced. She didn’t want to answer the dreaded question.

I told her about my session with Dr. Kuttner, I told her I knew they spoke and explained that I had been struggling with emotion ever since that day.

She explained to me that yes, we have exhausted all of the regular treatments. She told me that she recently discussed Logan’s upcoming chemo with the oncology department at Toronto Sick Kids. She wanted a second opinion. They came back and told her that at this point they would not offer Logan cisplatin. The feeling being that she relapsed on chemotherapy twice and since the tumor continues to grow and seed other areas of the brain. Basically it is pointless subjecting her to the poison when really there is little hope.

Dr. Hukin shared this with me. I know it wasn’t easy for her but she shared that she was willing to offer the treatment despite her colleagues opinions simply because there are so few cases like Logan’s. There is very little information to go on or compare to. So basically a shot in the dark.

She explained the risks again, reinforced that it is an aggressive treatment and then finished off with telling me that she also believes that maybe it is time to try this chemo as we have talked about it for so long. She read the study, she thinks it is promising. She said that we wouldn’t give up hope.

You could tell we both felt a bit unsettled by our decision but mostly about the uncertainty. Logan was not in the room while we talked so I began to cry.

Pretty soon I couldn’t stop. Although I have know we were at the end of our treatment options I have never FELT like we were. It was a bit of an awakening.

Dr. Hukin explained how there were other trials and combinations of chemo that we could try if this combination of radiation/chemo failed but also explained her position on
‘at that point, what would we really be doing’- you get the point.

Logan came into the room, obviously she could feel the tension and could see I was crying.

“What is going on?” she asked me. “Did they find a new tumor on my spine in the dexa scan?”

“No” I replied “They didn’t find any new tumors, mom is just crying about the ones you already have”

She looked at me kind of strangely. “Haven’t you already cried enough about those ones? ”

I smiled, she was right.

I explained to her how this was going to be a tough chemo and how she couldn’t have much more chemo than she’s already had, and that I was worried about her.

“Don’t worry,” she assured me, “It won’t matter Mom because after this chemo I won’t need anymore, my tumors will be gone”

Dr. Hukin reiterated that we were not losing hope. We could not fall apart and now more than ever it was time to stay strong. I apologized for always crying with her, she explained to me that it was what she got paid to do…make parents cry….the sucky part of the job she told me.

Anyways we left with a plan, or somewhat of one…we do the best we can with what we have for as long as we can. We will know when it is time to make other decisions or move forward with the palliative team. She assured me Canuck Place was going to be there if we needed it. If we weren’t ready, then neither was she. I have such a love/hate relationship with this woman.

I left the office with some of the good Kleenex from the nurses offices, and got in my car. The sun was shining brightly and everyone enjoying the beautiful day and all I could think about was

My DOG PISSED ON ME!!!!
I knew this day was going to be a crappy one and it was. There is no way to prepare for a day like today, you just have to take deep breathes, say the word fuck a whole lot of times with your inside voice, stop at the liquor store for a good bottle of red and head home to wash your linens one more time…

Tonight will be clean sheet night. Tomorrow is another day. Summer has finally arrived.

It is not all bad.

I will keep you posted

Home

May 11, 2008 7:26pm

Home from Maui (sigh) but still dreaming of it. One day I would like to live there, I know I said that I would like to live in the Bahama’s (its the problem with traveling) but Maui is a place I could stay for a very long time.

Apparently the island has healing powers. I believe it does. We all did a lot of healing while we were gone.

It would do injustice to try and put into words how amazing our trip was. Reid, Diane and Chris treated us just like belonged on their vacations. We fit. There were never any awkward moments, or feeling like you were in any bodies way. The condo was a perfect amount of space, it was comfortable and relaxing.

Logan did become the sequence champion of the world, if not for any other reason, than just because she played the most games. We came home and immediately bought the game.

Brody found a new best friend, in Chris…or should I call him DUDE?

We finished off the trip with a memory tattoo. Me a ladybug, Reid a shark (ha ha loan shark) and Chris a Canadian/American tattoo he had designed years ago but never got.

What a great way to remember such a great trip.

Both Logan and I are home now, and I don’t quite know how my boys survived for days in this house. NO FOOD.

I went grocery shopping, did laundry. no matter how long your are away the old routine comes back very quickly.

We took Loggie to the hospital today to be seen by an oncologist. She needs more medications and I also wanted to have them take a look at her. Since we have been away she has had more of her “I can’t feel my leg” episodes and a few of the “I can’t see” ones too.

We got no news on what they thought was wrong, they just renewed her prescriptions, and told us to continue to watch her carefully. We got an appointment for her in to see Dr. Hukin next week.(Dr. Hukin was away this week so we saw, Dr.Bond)

Both Logan and I had meetings with the ‘feelings doctor’ Dr. Kuttner as well today,(psychologist) as The discussion of enrolling her in the program at Canuck place came up again and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since.

Canuck place is a hopsice.

It is suggested when you move from the status of possible to cure to no possibility of cure. Pallative.

They say you never give up hope, and I don’t think you do, but moving to Canuck Place feels a litle like chipping away at that hope. We don’t have much left, and we need to hang on to what we’ve got.I hear amazing things from families who have been to Canuck place, I just don’t think we are ready.

Dr. Kuttner suggested that in speaking with our oncology team we may benefit from the programs Canuck place has to offer. She said we don’t have to think about it as a hospice but more so as another resource for support during our upcoming treatments. She wants us to take a tour and meet with the pain management team.

Dr. Kutter has been our therapist since shortly after Logan was diagnosed. She spent a number of years working/and still does work at Children’s hospital. She is apparently a specialist in the area of pain management and has been in contact with all the doctors from our ‘team’ numerous times during our 3 year stint. So we should listen to her she’s been around a long time and knows the drill.

This round of treatment is our last chance. I know her heart is in a good place, but I also have to trust that may heart is in a good place too. She may know the drill, but she’s not living it.

She reminded us that the chemotherapy we are starting in June is only a trial. There are few results to prove it will work and the symptoms Logan is already having are worry some. Radiation may or may not have worked. Too soon to tell. She is trying to prepare us to at least contemplate ‘what if’s.’ and I think her heart is in the right place. She said if nothing else, Canuck Place would give us a place to stay if ever we wanted to be close to the hospital and if Logan wasn’t well enough to make the round drives to and from Maple Ridge.

I get it. Easier, more helpful. My answer- still no.

I believe Logan will be one of the miracles that beats this disease and going to Canuck Place feels a bit like I have some doubt. I can’t let doubt in at this point, a crack in the dam and the whole place is going down.

I wonder if denial is what gives you the strength to hold on, and keep going? If it is than I guess this where I need to stay for now. Denial it is.

Logan knows what it means. Her friends have gone to Canuck house and sadly never come back. She asked today if we were going to take her there. I asked her if she wanted to go, she didn’t hesitate. NO.

So that is our final answer……for now. Canuck Place is just too much.

Dr. Kuttner was very understanding of our choice. I asked her not to mention Canuck place any more for the time being. I thanked her for sharing our options.

She asked us to remain open to discussions in future. Very ‘feelings doctor’ of her. Remain open.

It is hard enough. Logan’s symptoms seem to be getting worse. Right now all I am doing is trying so hard not to lose my shit.

I can’t distinguish if my gut feeling is that it could be tumor, or if it is just the side effects of radiation. I have never been so out of touch with my ‘gut’ before.

I think this is what it feels like to be at war. Your gut doesn’t matter.

You focus on the task, the strategy. You see the horrific sights but you are in the battle. You have to remain disciplined- there is a schedule of medication and treatment. You have taken the oath and you commit to winning at all cost, it is all in the name of hope and freedom.

The freedom is from cancer.

The unfair part is that this war had a draft. There was no choice whether or not you want to fight, you didn’t sign up for this and there is no choice but to win.

Hawaii was a sabbatical. It was just enough time to forget about our war at home, but not enough time for it to be over. It was good to run away, but unfortunately, you always have to come back and face whatever war is waiting for you.

Here is one final Maui story before I sign off.

On the last morning on the I went down to the beach to sit quietly by myself. My intention had been to do it every morning but sleeping in became such an indulgence I found hard to get up. I am not a morning person.

But on the last day I knew I needed to do it. To reflect and just be quiet, take it all in contemplate our nest step.

I got up, 7:oo sauntered down to beach before coffee and plumped my but on the sand.The waves crashed, the wind blew, it was warm and no one was around. I was able to breathe slowly and relax.

I am not sure if it is meditation,(god I would love to learn how to turn off my mind completely) but I felt a bit like I was floating.

I sat there on the beach and was quiet all by myself and inside myself (that never happens) for about 1/2 an hour. Everything felt OK.

When I opened my eyes, I was perplexed by how I could possibly feel the so peaceful in the ‘real world’ and I wondered if I could find this peace back home.

I left the beach knowing I wanted to try to figure it out.

And now I am back home. It seems almost impossible, the world around me again seems so harsh. I have got to find a way to escape it all and if I can’t just jump on a plane I need to figure out how to get away in my mind.

I guess that is the point, to find peace, ‘god’ or whatever it is you take comfort in, in the worst of times and not just the best of times.

It just seems so much easier to do in paradise.

Home means time to plan a party.

May 10, 2008 7:02pm

So as most of you already know Logan was diagnosed 3 years ago on June 3rd. That also happens to be the Children’s Hospital Miracle weekend. Miracle weekend- if you have to diagnosed, is the best weekend to have it happen.

It is a weekend of celebration for the hospital and we participate by joining in the Annual Childrun. This will be our 3rd year.
We are inviting you all to run with us. Our hopes are to have as many of you as possible join us. We have registered our team at childrun.com (you can find it by googling childrun 2008) Our team name is of course “Logan is our angel” and this year we thought it would be fun to have a THEME TEAM.

We are planning a pre-run BBQ at our house on May 31st to decorate our costumes together and get together and lets be honest, drink wine.

Our theme, is angels! Fun angels. Logan’s angels!

So if you can join the fun, join the team!!!

We are looking forward to an amazing weekend. Logan starts chemo the following week so this will kind of be a send off and a party before she begins this next phase of treatment!

I know it is short notice, but as you all know we have been awfully busy beach bumming in Maui and as such we were shirking all responsibilities. Now, we are back to reality and doing what we do best, scrambling.

If you register by May 12th, you t-shirt will have our team name on it, so if that is important to you- you have 3 days to register.

We have lots of room at our house and a travel trailer so if you don’t live in the lower mainland like to come and join the team you have a place to stay.

See you soon!

Bye Bye Maui

May 8, 2008 1:27am

Aloha!

Tomorrow is our final day in paradise.

Our flight departs at 10:50pm so we don’t arrive until Thursday morning. I am pretending that means we have two days left. The flight isn’t too long but it is 3 hours ahead at home so it will be a weird day.

Logan had a great holiday. It has not been incident free but we’ve been more relaxed handling the symptoms (good to know- mai tai’s help). She has complained a few times of the “I can’t feel my legs” symptoms, which is equally as freaky in Hawaii as it is in BC but the spells passed quickly and she hasn’t had any unbearable headaches since she started the 20,000 new medications we brought along. (Obvious exaggeration)

Eating has been great especially in the morning (nausea is present) but after a hit of THC she usually gets the munchies and by bedtime she is snacking away. We have used the feeding tube when we felt we needed (both the pump and bolus). We have tried not to pressure her with food or stress about it. She has better than expected and that is good enough.

We are sad to go home tomorrow which seems not quite right seeing as we should be beaming with gratitude for this vacation and its extension- but we know what waits for us when we return and it is daunting.

This trip has been an amazing gift from Reid and Diane but part of me is leaving wondering if we will ever get the chance to do this again. (Reid suggests a 90 day plan- so I’d better get planning our next adventure)

I don’t let the thought of ‘what if’ cross my mind often, but when they come, it is complete fear that takes over my brain. I can’t bare the thought of losing my child.

Chemo starts in couple more weeks for the next entire year, it will be hard to imagine, that life actually exists so beautifully here in Hawaii.

Life back home is only a 5 hour flight , but it is a harsh reality from this one. I may have to ease back in- slowly- anyone free for Blue Hawaiin’s? My place 9:30 am daily…

It makes me sad that we have to go back to what is waiting and although we haven’t talked about it- I know Loggie is sad too. Silently, I can see her taking in deep breathes, filling her lungs and her mind with visions of this beautiful place mentally preparing herself for another stint of treatment.

I think treatment is hard, then I look at her, she has to bare not only the emotional toll but the physical one.

She joined an online group today for kids with cancer and she asked if when she gets home if she can participate in more of the activities for oncology kids. She said it makes her feel better to be with other kids who are like her. I think it is a good plan although I worry about her too. There is a lot of sadness in the cancer world. I worry if she is ready for that. But her desire for this made me realize that she needs different support than I am giving her. Even though I have been by her side for every moment of this journey, I truly don’t know what it is like for her. I think I know, because I am her mom, but really I have no idea. Only other kids who are living this same journey know what it is like for her.

So that is it. We return home tomorrow from this unbelievable trip and jump back into the world of cancer. We have no choice.

But one last thing before we go- Reid, Chris and I are off to a tattoo shop tomorrow to get “inked” together in honor of this trip.

I chose a ladybug (for obvious reasons) Reid a shark (after all that is what he is) and Chris a maple leaf.

Logan wanted one too but I have to draw the line at some point. We promised her she could get a real one when she was older and returned to Maui and in the meantime we got her a henna tattoo of a ladybug instead.

Thanks to all of you for the good energy you have sent us during our stay here in Maui. We have felt great every single day we were here. We have slept (YES!!!!) dreamed incredible dreams, laughed, played, swam, drank and just had a ton of fun.

Not for one moment have any of us taken for granted how lucky we are to have had this opportunity, nor will we ever, in fact it has inspired us to plan our next adventure, to have something on the calendar to look forward to and to escape to. Who knows what or when it will be, but I’m sure there will be details coming soon…..

Escape life

view from our deck
Logan doing a feed through the tube
Logan was the captain
Best day ever
Lunch after the aquarium
Visit the Maui Ocean center- amazing

May 3, 2008 11:46pm

Aloha!!! So if it wasn’t for the date at the top of this page I would have no idea what day it is..

Isn’t Paradise great?

Diane reminded me “happiness is the absence of worry”

I have come to really cherish that phrase. Life is about being happy in the few moments that are free of the worry or the burden, for all of us.

Hawaii has been fabulous, lazy days, great laughs, sunscreen, and no guilt about the Corona that I had at 8:30 this morning to wash down the burger I had for breakfast- true story.

We went on a snorkeling tour today. Molokai is a beautiful island and a giant crater just off the coast of Maui. It was created from one of the many volcanoes that have erupted and created this entire piece of heaven. All of the islands around here are gorgeous and every thing about today was beautiful.

I am finding myself contemplating everything, and in reflecting on the creation of the Hawaiian islands I find inspiration. A place so lush and beautiful and peaceful has evolved from something so harsh and destructive as volcanic fire and lava. It is kind of like our cancer journe, beautiful things despite the ugly monster.

Logan was brave today and snorkeled with the rest of us. She gazed at the fish with such awe and excitement, her little feeding tube tucked up into the mask.

Tomorrow, I am off to the spa for a massage on the beach ( surprise from Jared) and I can’t wait to just relax and unwind completely alone before our planned trip home.

ONLY LOGAN AND I AREN’T COMING HOME- YET!!

Loggie isn’t ready. Neither am I to be honest. Home seems like too much reality at this point and we aren’t ready to face what is waiting for us when we return. Logan is doing well and I feel good here, so we decided to stay another week. I mentioned the idea to Jared, and he insisted on it. I was completely willing to keep both kids here but Jared has decided that Logan is demanding enough so he is going to take Brody home with him. My plan was to stay at a hotel and not over stay my welcome here with the Adkins but they won’t have it.

I mentioned my idea of staying longer

“Why wouldn’t you?” they said “you are already here, and Loggie is doing great. What do you have to go home to?”

That question got me…”What do I have to go home to?”

Nothing.

For the first time in three year, we don’t have any schedule, no doctors appointments, no chemotherapy, no radiation, no physio, nothing. We have nothing holding us back.

Amazing.

So we decided to stay another week.

Jared and Brody will be home tomorrow as planned but not Loggie and I- we are beach bumming it a bit longer.

I am going to admit, I kind of feel selfish. Poor Jared to having to go home to an empty house with Brody all by himself and deal with working and getting B to and from school, grocery shopping and everything else. But he insisted and I really appreciate it.

“I just really want you and Logan to relax together” he said “just a couple of days of no worry. Not about watching Brody at the pool, or temper tantrums or having to feed anyone at a certain time. Just some down time.”

He continued ” You and Logan have been through so much back this year. This is an amazing opportunity, when will you get the chance again?”

I couldn’t answer. Logan and I have been through so much? So has he, but that is Jared, so completely selfless-

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any better, we learned it doesn’t have to end yet.

So the plan is we fly home next week. As luck would have it we have just enough medication to get us through until the day after we arrive home.

Brody doesn’t love the idea of going home but I think he is used to his sister and I being away, and I know he will be just fine. Logan and I get to spend a lot of one on one time together but not a lot of that is carefree and fun. I plan to make these days count.

Plus, she refuses to leave this island until she becomes the sequence champion of the whole world. Reid and Diane have created a monster.
I read an article that said Maui has very spiritual and healing qualities. One of the treatments offered on the island is called Huna Reiki.

This ancient tradition believes that the key to living a fulfilled life lies in the awakening and integration of your subconscious or lower self, the conscious or middle self, and the spiritual or higher self.

It offers us a profoundly beautiful philosophy of life centered in love with the vision of humankind, nature, and the divine as harmonious parts of a cosmic community.

Huna is much more than a philosophy, it is a way of life that gives us a set of practices that are simple yet, profoundly transformational. This attunement will connect with the essence of this energy, the work is up to you.

Historically the Kahuna was the spiritual master who was the keeper of the Huna knowledge and tradition. When the English settled in the Hawaiian islands the practice of Huna was banned and the Kahuna’s went into hiding. Today these practices are emerging once again to help us heal.

No wonder Loggie loves it here, she loves receiving reiki and it sounds like it is way of life here on this island. I wish I had read about this workshop prior to coming and could have participated in it.

Another reason to come back.
Happiness is the absence of worry. We have no worry here.

Despite what you have been told, You can run away from your problems. Maybe not forever but when you can, you should.

Vacation gives you a chance to breath- and travel allows us to escape life.

My goal- travel as much as possible- escape life, escape cancer.

A new month in Maui

May 1, 2008 1:01pm

ALOHA
Hooray, Hooray its the 1st of May!

And we are still in paradise, (and never want to leave here)

Once again I sit here in complete contentment listening to the waves crash on the shoreline that is about 6 meters from the balcony where we sit.

This place is stunning…beautiful hardwood floors, huge windows that open out to the warm air, a gourmet kitchen…marble and granite…views that would knock your socks off…it is gorgeous!

And to top it off we are here with the most amazing people ever…We are having a great time.

Logan is having her ups and downs but overall she is eating MUCH better. She is good at knowing her own pace. She eats slow and takes breaks.

She is can only handle staying in the sun for a short time and then comes in to seek shade, well that and so her and Auntie Diane can kick Reid and Jared’s ass in sequence. Sequence is a great game and it is is going to be a new addiction in our house and the clinic. It has provided hours of entertainment on this trip.

Logan went boogie boarding with me yesterday. Who knows what her counts are- who cares.

The swells were huge and after she got over the worry of sharks eating her we headed out.

It was a blast! We laughed so hard, and we got pummeled by so many waves that both of us had so much sand in our WOOHOO’s. We had to strip out of our bathing suits off in the ocean and rinse them out. It was fun. So much fun. Fun like we haven’t had in a very long time and although I knew it probably wasn’t the smartest thing (one week post radiation- low platelets) I didn’t let the worry consume because the fun was worth any risk that we had to take.

Belly laughter- the kind of can’t catch your breathe laughter doesn’t happen much around our house anymore but yesterday Loggie and I laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt. She was so weak from laughing that as the waves continued to crash her into the sand and she couldn’t stand up she just laughed even more.

Seeing her happy, alive and here, was worth every worry- every crappy radiation treatment, all the sleepless nights, surgery and medication it took to get here.

Brody has also tried to boogie board, and loves the ocean. He is content, not ‘bratty’ as we call him at home and relaxed.

Jared and Reid have taken to afternoon football on the beach- cold coronas close by.

Auntie Diane is keeping us all well fed (love her) by puttering in the kitchen and making trips to the local fresh market to get ingredients for all her amazing meals. Me, I loving laying in the sun reading my book. I wish these days would never end.

We are off to the Aquarium in a few hours and then on to pick up Chris at the airport. Logan chose the aquarium as the one thing she wanted to do on this trip and she is thrilled to be going.

It will be another great day in paradise.

I introduced the crew to mojitos yesterday…(a hit!) So we have a new drink. Things couldn’t be better.

We are so very aware that this trip is a gift and we are trying our best to seize every moment. It almost feels a bit like borrowed time- we know and appreciate that we could NOT have been able to do this. We know that so many people worked really hard to make this come together for us and we want you to know we are not taking any of it for granted.

Thank you.

We so needed this.

I am trying so hard to take in every moment, to smell every smell, to feel the warm breeze and to etch this carefree feeling into my mind so I can remember and strength from it when we get home and the year of chemo starts.

Life- All over the map

A family journey through childhood cancer and around the world

Month: December 2015